[caringmom]

i am a mom to an 11 1/2 year old girl.... my daughter has been asking me for about a month if she could shave her legs... i have been trying to hold off as long as possible because it's something you have to keep up with... so i told my daughter that she could at the end of the school year.... i was planning on doing this with my daughter... it's a right of passage into teenage years and i wanted to share that with my daughter. anyhow, my daughter went to her dad & Stepmom's for an overnight visit lastnight...when i talked to my daughter over the phone this afternoon when she got home from school she said, "mom, guess what???.... I shaved my legs last night".... for a moment i couldn't even speak.... my daughter new instantly that i was not happy... i felt terrible because i felt as though i took the excitement away from her so i told her how sorry i was for being upset, that i was not upset with her, that i was upset because i didn't get to share such a monumental thing in her young life with her and that i was happy for her as i know how much she wanted to do this. i also tried to explain to her that i wanted to share that "first" with her... i did tell my daughter when she initially asked me to shave her legs that i wanted to do that with her but i know that all that had to be done for my daughter to forget everything i said to her was to wave a razor in front of her. she took the bate... am i making a big deal out of this???? this is not the only time a "first" has been taken away from me by this woman. i am so angry with her and i certainly don't want to come off nasty to her even though i don't like her... i want to have some dignity and self control when i speak to her...but then i am not sure if i even should... i think things like this will continue to happen regardless of if i talk with her or not...or even if i talk to my ex husband... they seem to think i will just go away but that will never happen... should i talk with her??? or my ex??? or should i just let this be what it is and not bother with either of them????

[writerchick]

That's sooo annoying. The step mother should have talked to you first, for sure, to check if it was all right. When my step-daughter wanted to dye a skinny stripe in her hair when she was at my house, I had her call her mother first, even though she assured me her mom would be OK with it. It's just courtesy. I would talk to your ex, though, instead of the step-mom, because he will know how best to approach it with her (unless you have a particularly discordant relationship with him.)

[scrapbookguru]

Yes, that would bother me too. So no, you are not over reacting. I think it's probably natural to wish to share in those things with your own daughter. In fairness though, maybe step-mom is ignorant enough to not have realized how important it was to you? And of course DD at only 11.5 yes, a shiny new razor and all thoughts of mom is gone. Only "Hey I get to shave!"

I think you handled it AWESOME with your daughter, in that you not only allowed her to see that it somewhat upset you, but that it wasn't her fault. I can tell you guys are really close and that's awesome.

I'm so sorry you didn't get this opportunity with her.

[MJ7]

I would calmly, and courtiously take it up with your ex. I would educate him a bit explaining that it's is just one of those things you looked forward to being a part of with her and that before your dd gets new experiences like that in their care, you would like him to talk with you first--esspecailly about the girl stuff. If he gets on the defense, I would just say, it's nothing personal with (step-mom), that you just want to be given some respect and you understand that he may not have known this was important to you.

[hennypenny]

I think you have every right to be extremely angry. Yes, she took away an important 'moment', but worse, she did something without your permission! How does this woman know, you might have wanted her to wait a long time?
I can understand if it were something like getting her first period while she was at their house, I mean the stepmum would HAVE to do something on the spot, but yeah, I wouldn't be happy about this either and I'm a stepmum.
I have a step daughter and soon she will be entering these times. We have a booklet about periods in case her first period comes while she's here, because we want to be prepared. And we draw the line at that. Everything else should have the mum's involvement.
I wouldn't let her shave, dye her hair, wear a bra, or any stuff like that, unless I knew her mum totally okayed me doing those things, and to be honest, it wouldn't occur to me to butt in anyway, as those things can wait til she's with her mum.
I would say something for sure.

[writerchick]

Originally Posted by MJ7

I would calmly, and courtiously take it up with your ex. I would educate him a bit explaining that it's is just one of those things you looked forward to being a part of with her and that before your dd gets new experiences like that in their care, you would like him to talk with you first--esspecailly about the girl stuff. If he gets on the defense, I would just say, it's nothing personal with (step-mom), that you just want to be given some respect and you understand that he may not have known this was important to you.

This is excellent advice, and especially if you don't make it so much about this event in particular, just a general "it would be better if you guys would check with me first" type of request. Because honestly, the stepmom might not have even have a clue that this would matter, so best to have this conversation before the nex time. I sure hope she's a reasonable human being.

[caringmom]

Thank you all for you input... It is so helpful. as for actually speaking to my ex-husband... i just don't know if i will or even can at this point. i am not sure how calm i can stay. this isn't the first time that the step-mom along with my ex-husband have ignored my existance as mom to our child. and i have spoken to him before especially about "firsts".... when i got home lastnight, i explained to my daughter a bit more about how i was feeling and why my feelings were hurt since i was visibly upset and she seemed to feel somewhat guilty and concerned. I again made sure she knew that i wasn't blaming her or angry at her & that it would take a little bit for my feelings to subside.. i also let my daughter know that i was disappointed that she did not call me as her and i had talked about this issue and were planning on doing that together. she said she understood and wanted to call me but both her dad and step-mom told her she couldn't call cause it was after 9pm and they told her that i don't want calls after 9pm, which is an outright lie! i did not tell my daughter that was a lie but that she can call me anytime!!!! i think what they did was sneaky & that they certainly were aware that this would be something special for us to do....my ex and i do not have a good relationship, nor do i have a good relationship with the step-mom but i am respectful to them...i have tried to be friendly with the both of them but they both are very controlling people to the point of actually being demeaning and emotionally abusive (this is my my ex and i divorced).. when i have tried to be nice, get along, be considerate, and flexible i get walked all over.... i decided about 8 months ago, not to have a relationship with the step-mom for this reason but i have to communitcate with my ex... i almost believe they are trying to real me in so i make a fool of myself or trying to get me to lose control... i think they have other motives for their behavior besides being outright hurtful... i think i need to really think before i act!!!! and be very careful... thanks again

[writerchick]

So much for them being reasonable human beings. Talking to your daughter is probably the best thing, then, and just remember that her mental health is the most important, so you may have to give up some "firsts" for the sake of her not feeling guilty or torn. It's awful in situations like this, but definitely the child has to come first.

[caringmom]

Originally Posted by writerchick

So much for them being reasonable human beings. Talking to your daughter is probably the best thing, then, and just remember that her mental health is the most important, so you may have to give up some "firsts" for the sake of her not feeling guilty or torn. It's awful in situations like this, but definitely the child has to come first.

thank you and i do realize that i will most likely have to give up other "firsts" but from now on when my daughter and i decide we are going to do something important together i am going to contact her dad to make sure he knows that i will be doing whatever it may be with our daughter. my mistake this time was that i told my daughter i wanted her to wait till the end of the school year and then we would discuss it with dad and shave...i hadn't talked to her dad because i wanted her to wait and i should have called him to tell him what our plan was for this special event....just maybe things would not have happened this way. and maybe, just maybe.... they will get the picture but then again i doubt it.... and yes my daughter does come first!!!!! very good point! i don't ever want to make her feel as though i am making her feel guilty or torn or choose sides. my daughter and i are very close and i think because of that they do things that make her feel all of those things, plus it makes them feel as though they have control of her. i know i have to wait till she's older so then she can make her own educated choices and hopefully she won't choose to be like them. thank you again.

[Das]

As a step mother encouraging a young girl to shave her legs gee that would **** you off.I think if it was allowed that's something between the mother & daughter.The step mother has other things more important to be in charge of & that's making sure things are going right while the step child is in her care.
Been a step mum before.
Das