[CaliMom2005]

My ex-husband recently asked that our 12 year old son not be disciplined by his step-father (my husband). I completely disagree and think it is important for both parents whether step or not to be able to give guidelines and be able to discipline our son. I'm of course frustrated and want to know if anyone has experienced the same and if you could offer some suggestions.

[Nathan]

Are there specific, valid reasons why this request has been made?

[CaliMom2005]

My ex-husband thinks that the discipline should only come from me and that he should just be friends with my husband. My ex-husband has him for the first time in 11 years staying with him for the summer. I would agree that initially there is a transition period but I don't think my husband should be completely eliminated from making him follow the rules and be able to discipline him.

[hennypenny]

As a step mum, I always prefer to leave the discipline up to the blood parents wherever possible. I have this luxury as they don't live with us. However, if there is no other adult in the room or outside with us, or they have left the kids with me to babysit, then yes I do discipline them.

[rachel__hughes]

my partner has a 3 yr old son from a previous relationship and i have a 4 yr old daughter from a previous relationship we both have a 5 month old son together. we both discipline them the same even if we r in the room together my daughters father isnt around so to her my partner is her daddy so in my opinion he can discipline her as he would his own and i discipline his son the same although i am quiet soft on him still cuz i feel weird really disciplining him he is a very naughty child and because i feel i cant discipline him properly even though my partner has said its fine its causing problems in the family

[verymom]

I'm a stepmom, too. My stepson is 12 now, he was 8 when my husband and I got married. He lives with us full time - his Mom left when he was 4 - he visits her in another state occassionally and she is very soft on him. So, it was very difficult for me, because I always felt like the bad guy. But, my husband is gone on business a lot, so I am the only one home. I agree that the blood parent should handle the discipline - or at least be in agreement with what you are doing when possible, but that's not always realistic. Just try to be fair, and try to spend some alone time doing fun things with your stepchild. Over time, the relationship will grow, and then it will be easier. We've had some rough spots, but my stepson and I have come a long way in 4 years.

[mcmama]

It seems to me that when your child is in your house, his step dad is a parent and should discipline him in cooperation with you. Anyone who expects a step parent to never discipline is really wishing them a lot of trouble, because kids will exploit that any way they can!

[ACard]

I'm a step-parent too and I've struggled with this issue too. I've been to my pastor regarding this issue and I've been told that I have to disclipline too. I know I've read books and heard people say that the step-parent should stay out of it. I've found that I need to disclipline even when it turns out ugly and may be easier to just stay out of it. When I say ugly I mean that when I do disclipline my 7 & 9 year old step-sons they go home and tell their mother I am mean, then she calls my husband and uses it to make him feel bad. She uses it against him and tells him that the boys don't want to come to our house because of me. Then he feels really bad and then gets mad at me and we fight

It is a never ending battle . Anyway, Mcmama was correct, kids will not respect you if you do not disclipline. I've found in many ways that by not discliplining it was much worse. The boys would not listen to me because they didn't think I was going to do anything about it. Now they don't act up like that while in our home because they know their father and I are on the same page with it and won't allow it. Step-parenting sure isn't easy!

[mcmama]

Your last two sentences are the main thing! Not easy, and you and your husband have to be on the same page. This is your home. What are you, a guest in your own home when the stepchildren are there?
It's true with any parenting relationship - I can remember trying to get around my parents, playing one against the other. Big revelation to me that they talked these things over and knew everything - and agreed!

[erika h]

Originally Posted by mcmama

Anyone who expects a step parent to never discipline is really wishing them a lot of trouble, because kids will exploit that any way they can!

I agree. My husband's parents divorced when he was 9 or so. His dad fortunately made the opposite clear - that he wanted the step dad to be viewed as someone who could discipline.
I think it is important that children have a good father figure in their lives. Since your husband can't fulfill that role year-round, the step dad will need to step up. But you can make it clear that you set the disciplining rules, and the step dad is merely helping reinforce how you and your husband mutually agree to your children should be disciplined and raised. Ask your husband if there is anything very specific that he does not want the step father to do, but being completely hands of will cause more problems in the long run.