[seeemilywrite]

What rights do you think a step-parent has as far as diciplining stepchildren? I know when I was younger I didnt think my step-mother should be able to make rules for me, she was after all not my parent. What do you think?

[writehandgirl]

Originally Posted by seeemilywrite

What rights do you think a step-parent has as far as diciplining stepchildren? I know when I was younger I didnt think my step-mother should be able to make rules for me, she was after all not my parent. What do you think?

Being a stepchild once myself, I agree. I don't understand how parents believe they can bring a new authority figure into a child's life and just expect them to "accept it." To do so is wrong and your child will end up resenting it.

[hennypenny]

I am a step parent to 3. The kids don't live with us though. I think it's something you need to ease the kids into. Let them get used to you first, get to know each other, etc.
We started out with just my fiance doing the disciplining, our way of giving the kids time to get used to me just being there, which we felt would be hard enough for them after everything they'd been through.
Because the kids don't live with us, nowadays, I just discipline the kids when the dad isn't present, or when it affects my home or my child, or my possessions etc. But it's been around 7 years for us since the kids have met me, so they are more used to me telling them what to do now lol. I'm sure if the kids live with you though, the step parent would be doing more discipline.

[beth]

Child accept authority figures do exist, they go to school each day and have to at least accept the existence of them. So, if the step-parent is living in the the same home as the step-children, then they are an authority figure, whether the kids like it or not. It is the stepparents role to protect them, just as a guest in a house might tell the kids not to run around the slippery pool surrounds or whatever the situation may be. The natural parent and the step-parent need to get together to nut out how they are going to deal with the situation, but if the stepchildren are difficult, the natural parent can at least insist that the step parent is treated with respect, even if they are not liked or not welcomed at first. A lot of problems exist because the adults in the equation are not working together as a team.

[seeemilywrite]

I think a lot of my issue wth my stepmother is she didnt live with us, and they got married when I was 16. At 16, I was aready acting against authority figures, then suddenly there was this woman, who I didnt know...who thought she had the right to give me absurd orders. It didnt fly.

[pattiewrites]

I think it definitely depends on the age of the child and whether or not they live with the step parent. If the child is in your home, you have the right to make some rules. I've been with my husband since my step daughter was 2. She is 19 now and I treat her the same as I do our own children. When she was small, she lived with her mom and only came to us on the weekends. I did not discipline her at all. Unfortunately, her father didn't either. He was very concerned with her "liking him." This caused definite problems with respect later. At 15 she moved in and things needed to change.

She was failing school, sneaking out of the house, drinking, etc. Generally totally out of control. She wanted to drop out of high school. I told my husband, "We've been doing things your way for 13 years and your way doesn't work. Now we are going to do things my way." I started by setting a conference with every one of her teachers and starting her in counseling. At first she resisted and didn't like the rules, which were you are in by 10 on a school night and you MUST go to school and pass. Not too unreasonable, I think. We paid attention to where she was and who she was with. Gradually, she began to get better. She ended up passing school and graduating on time. She later thanked me for stepping in and holding her accountable. She is now taking college courses and doing very well. She understands that, while she may have hated my rules, they were done out of love and concern for her future. She knows she is loved as much as the other kids and that I really care what happens to her. If I didn't, why would I have bothered to make her stay in school?

I think it depends on the relationship with the step child and if they feel they are part of the family. Just making rules and punishing isn't enough. They need to know that you love them and want the best for them, as a natural parent would. If she had already been a teenager when we met, I probably would have done things differently.

[beth]

Originally Posted by seeemilywrite

I think a lot of my issue wth my stepmother is she didnt live with us, and they got married when I was 16. At 16, I was aready acting against authority figures, then suddenly there was this woman, who I didnt know...who thought she had the right to give me absurd orders. It didnt fly.

Well, hopefully her orders weren't too absurd, although my teenage daughter thinks I am nagging because I ask her to move the straightening iron off the floor in the bathroom where she leaves it everyday!

However, in your situation where you spent only short blocks of time with her, it would have been harder to take. I can see why you didn't like it. Did your Dad ever sit you down and talk to you about the situation, or were you just expected to accept it as a given?

[EbayMom]

I don't think a step-parent should discipline at all. I think there should be mutual respect, and friendship....period.

[writehandgirl]

Originally Posted by EbayMom

I don't think a step-parent should discipline at all. I think there should be mutual respect, and friendship....period.

Yup. I am a grown woman now, but I was a stepchild once. I believe that stepparents never realize the rights of that child sometimes (I'm not saying all stepparents) and think that, because they are the "adult", they have the right to discipline that child as they see fit.

The problem is - the kid, once living in a completely different situation - never asked for this new authority figure to be brought into their home. The difference between school authority figures and stepparents is that, when the day ends, the school authority figures are left at school and not to mention the fact that they don't mandate everyday activities and the personal issues of that child.

It's just crazy to think one can just step into a child's homelife and take over. It won't work unless the child has been beaten down emotionally into believing they have to accept it. Otherwise, what you'll have is rebellion on your hand and a child that hates you and will work against you as hard as they can to control what once only belonged to them and their biological parent/original adoptive parent. Trust me - been there and done that and feel no quilt for holding my ground.

[beth]

Originally Posted by EbayMom

I don't think a step-parent should discipline at all. I think there should be mutual respect, and friendship....period.

I know there have been some posters who were once step-children and resented being disciplined by their step-parent, but surely you would agree that if a child is very young and the step-parent is the only one home AND lives with the child permanently, they do have a responsibility to discipline a child. If the situation is to work there has to be mutual respect, as you quoted above, and that also includes respect coming from the step-child to the step parent.