[newmrsth]

yes...but what we live with is that we can only give them that security when they are with us (the two younger of DH's kids we only ahve every other week end, plus some holidays and extra time over summer...like this Christmas, when mommy dearest visits her 19 year old former foreign exchange student boyfriend in denmark instead of being with her kids...but hey, karma will catch up) anyway, we have no control over what she does in her home, only what we do in ours.
In ours, we have agreed on basic rules, basic behaviors, and that he kids, all of them as they are here, will help with chores. That's just how it is. But, enforcement of major stuff is by me for mine and him for his...it works better that way for us, although, that does NOT mean that we won't put a stop to whatever the behavior is. We will and do, just taht the punishment gets handed down by bio parent whenever possible.
Those irrational fears (and often they are irrational) can be very destructive. My step kids are fed those all the time. I was compared to cinderella's stepmom by the ex, but it luckily wasn't effective too long, within a couple weeks the little girl was telling me how happy she was that I was her almost stepmom. But still, it's continuing only she picks new and different methods...all the time.
It is most frustrating for my DH because it may be years before the kids see through it, or they may not ever. I don't have to deal with it with my ex, he's been out of the kids' lives for years, which is damaging to them in a whole other way...but doesn't involve alienation.
for us, there's no way we could cope if we couldn't discipline as needed. Luckily, we're on the same page there and it isn't very difficult to remain unified infront of all 6 of the kids AND the ex.

[fourmum]

Originally Posted by beth

I know there have been some posters who were once step-children and resented being disciplined by their step-parent, but surely you would agree that if a child is very young and the step-parent is the only one home AND lives with the child permanently, they do have a responsibility to discipline a child. If the situation is to work there has to be mutual respect, as you quoted above, and that also includes respect coming from the step-child to the step parent.

I totally agree. My husband is step father to my two older children and their father is not in contact with them at all so he is the only father they have. They love him dearly and I think he should have all the rights that their own father chose to relinquish when he left them.They benefit from the security that he gives them both financially and emotionally. I do think that every situation is individual though and only a mum really knows how much discipline by a step parent is appropiate.

[SteppingOut]

It's amazing how quickly things can change. I have two prior posts of around a year ago. Since then, my youngest stepdaughter "derailed" as a result, her Dad and Mom finally had to let go of their anger, frustrations, ego's etc. (so did I, I carried so much resentment towards her) to try to save this girl from self-destruction. We were even able to open our home to "mom" before she went away to do her time. The healing that took place for all of us was immeasurable. The energy it took to hate her and defend ourselves against her was draining the life out of us. The choice to forgive her was the right one to make for the kids. Looking back, a lot of the problems in our home came from the energy between their bio parents. They even held back from me out of loyalty to mom. I am just one more person in their world that loves them. Mom's gone for a year now, the older daughter and my relationship has come full circle. We're still averting disaster with the younger daughter, she carries so much pain inside of her. Stepmoms...it is the hardest job most of us will ever do. Thankfully, kids change and sometimes even us adults do. I'm careful about discipline, but you can always demand respect of you and the home we live in and provide.

[pattiewrites]

Letting go of the anger and hurt is the best possible thing for the kids. When I read studies about kids and divorce, I often wonder if it is the divorce itself that is so harmful or the way parents tear each other apart during and after. When mom runs dad down and dad and step mom trash mom, the kids are the ones in the middle hurting. Then everyone is surprised when the kids have behavioral issues. I'm happy your family was able to get past the pain and help the child.