[stevesgirl1289]

Hi everyone,hope you can help me because I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.I want to bail but I don't know if this is going to fix the problems we have.I have a 20 year old son who's father died when he was 1 year old and I then remarried and his stepfather was horrible to him.I got divorced and am now remarried to a wonderful man and we did go to couples counceling and blended integration therapy for a long time.We now live in the same house and live with my 20 year old boy and my 8 and 6 year old boys that we are raising together.His 19 year old daughter lives with her mother.The problem is that he says I always compare his child to mine even though she doesn't live with us.For example,His daughter could not live with our rules and went home with mom with only 17 days to high school graduation.As punishment he took away her car(titled under our name) and her phone and medical and dental insurance.If she wanted to be on her she was going tobe on her own completely.I finally convinced her dad to give her medical insurance because she has severe allergies.She has not gone to her allergist but quickly went to get her birth control pills.My son finally came out of his drug addiction and has been clean for almost 3 years.He has not been without problems.He flunked out of college and we took the truck away(titled under our name) and has been through quite a few jobs.He has been without work for about a month and has not paid us 50.00 dollars rent(trying to teach him responsibility)for 2 months.He stays out at night and comes home sometimes in the morning.I asked him to vacuum the rug one day before I took him to work and he refused.I refused to take him to work.He didn't go to work and lost his job.My husband refused to stay out of it and said something to my son and my son cursed at himand never apologized to him.My son is now going to college and enrolled in school and needs medical insurance because he takes concerta for a.d.d. and my husband refuses to provide any for him.We just argued quite badly and he got angry with me because he says I always bring his daughter into the picture.I did but as an example.what's the difference between giving his daughter insurance for birth control pills or giving my son insurance to get his mrdicine for school.I don't understand.If we are all the same in Gods eyes why can't the children be the same in our eyes.If we make the distinction then they will too eventually.They(the children) will mirror what they see us doing as well.His daughter has said cuss words to me as well but I am the adult and if I can't find a way to forgive and discuss it civilally with them how can I expect them to learn?Help!

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Teenagers are pretty tough on parents. Even the 'perfect' good ones give mom gray hair. That's why our good friend is Miss Clairol.

The reason we live through the terrible twos, the difficult threes, and so forth, is to gear up for the teenager years with parenting.
We give them roots and then wings to become adults.
That is all of our goals for our children.
And as parents, we have to be the adults 24/7*

I am not a step-parent, so do not feel I am the best to give you step-parenting advise.

I can give general parenting advise.

With my kids in college, it is very important that they have health insurance. They will get sick and need it.

IMO, health insurance should be the same for all the kids in the family. I would not imagine that the family plan health insurance costs change by adding another child.


That is rather petty and childish on your DH's part by taking them off the policy.


Also, not allowing a child to graduate 17 days before graduation date....guess that somebody has never heard of "Senioritis," that high school kids go through right before graduation.

Every kid.

Not just your step-daughter.

Some families are just thankful their child is able to graduate.

IMO, sending her away from a goal she had worked from K-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12 grades is pretty petty and bad parenting.

Hopefully, she was able to get her diploma or GED.

Counseling sounds like a good idea to me. Wishing you all the best in life. You deserve all the good things life has to offer!

[mcmama]

Your husband has issues if he thinks a fit punishment is to take away health insurance. Especially in the USA, it is increasingly difficult to obtain as an individual, and not all employers offer it.

He needs to re evaluate his priorities.

I just fought this battle with my ex, a known control freak. My youngest son is insured through his fathers employer, even though he is in a US service academy and "tricare does everything" in other words - stop being such a worrywart and making me spend money. But the truth is, if my son were to develop a life threatening illness or be in an accident while on leave that would cause him to be disenrolled from the academy and thus separated from military service for medical reasons, he would need coverage, and likely not be able to find it.

So I paid an attorney AGAIN for this our last battle, and my child won. AGAIN.

Your husband needs his head examined if he is using health insurance as a punishment, as a control device. He has serious issues. Health insurance is part of the unconditional support of parenting teens and young adults through age 22. If he's keeping score using this, he's probably a very deluded narcissist who believes that basic support is something the kids owe him back. Doesn't work that way in the reality of positive healthy parent-adult child relationships.

[Samual]

Your husband needs to realise any decision about your son, is your decision in the end, he can offer support and suggestions, but he cannot punish your children in such an awful selfish way. This man is your son, not his, even if your son has been giving you trouble, he has no right to be like this with him. I doubt he has considered how he would feel if you were treating his daughter in such a way.

Do you provide help towards your husbands childrens health insurance? If not he may be annoyed that he has to support everyone in the house.

[mcmama]

You are probably right about resenting the financial obligation Samual. But in parenting, that is not a reason to be so controlling over something this essential.

Sounds to me like this husband controls everyone. Keeps his fist tight on the family purse. With this type, whatever anyone contributes to the household is not good enough. And when you do contribute, he makes sure to tell you that he tolerates you contributing so little because he's such a stand up guy. I could be projecting about this - but this is kind of a pattern when it comes to using money to abuse and control a family.

What I see in the OPs post is a lot of leveraging. Leveraging his children against his wife, and vice versa. Leveraging her children OUT once they are too much trouble - the better to isolate her. Using the meeting of basic needs - which any father or stepfather does - as leverage to gain control.

Without Concerta, the ops son is likely not to "behave" to expectation. So that is just building in the failure which is expected and a reason to cut him off. And the "goodness" of having relented about the daughter, at the wife's urging - leverage, pure leverage. See, I did what you want.

He possesses the daughter, and the wife and knocks out any male opposition. And he can set the daughter and wife at odds with one another when he chooses.

If they are parenting together, then there is no "suggesting" - they are parents. But it sure sounds like he's the boss and everyone else has to do what he wants or else. Cuz he's such a decent provider and doing everyone such a favor to put up with them and support them. And yes, Samual, that is VERY SELFISH, you are right.

OP, please correct me if I am way off about this.