[jmrodg2]

I know that I should be happy with just one child, but I want another child very bad and can't get pregnant! Anytime I even mention it, I feel guilt because at least I have one child, but I want another one! I know I can get pregnant, but when you can't get pregnant, whether it is the first child or the 10th one, you still feel defective. Is anyone else feeling the same way?
JR

[mom_of_one]

Dear JR,
I know exactly how you feel! I have a daughter who is 19. I just got remarried a little over 2 years ago, and would desperately love to have a child with my husband (who has 2 teenage sons of his own--that don't live with us). I am unable to get pregnant so far--I haven't tried IVF yet. The main reason I can't get pregnant is that my tubes are blocked, although my age might have something to do with it, too (I'm 42). Everyone I know who has children has more than one child, except for those who only want one. They say I should enjoy myself and be happy I'm not "burdened" with a child. Of course, everyone who says that has more than one, and they are still raising them. I love children and don't consider them a burden. I believe I was meant to be a mother again, and I feel defective when I can't do the thing I was meant for. It is such a sense of loss for me, and I wonder what I did to deserve this. I am very grateful for my daughter, but sometimes I don't feel like a real mother, or even a woman, anymore.
I'm sorry if this depresses you. But at least you know you're not alone in the way you feel. If you have any thoughts on this, please let me know!
mom_of_one

[Angie C]

JR and mom_of_ one,
I certainly can relate to how both of you feel. I am still going through secondary infertility and have been pursuing adoption as well as fostering infants and children. I too love children and feel very blessed to have been able to get pregnant and give birth to my daughter who is now eight, after going through all of the tests, procedures and treatments which included oral medication and injections once a month. I finally got so stressed after "3" iuis which are the less evasive procedures and less expensive, that I just broke down in the office at the fertility clinic of which I was a patient at and the nurse talked with me about taaking a "much needed break", which my husband had also been suggesting. I did so and within a few months I was able to get pregnant, even after I had stopped taking the oral medication, which I might add also had an effect on my emotional status not to mention a side effect was also having a late period which caused you to think that you were pregnant! I am 42 also and still have not been able to get pregnant which still cause me some grief at times, because you ask yourself, "What's wrong with me"? I however am adopted and know that I could love a child or children that is "born in my heart" just as my parents have always loved me and my sisters. I too wish that people could really understand that saying something like, "Well at least you have one" or to be thankful for being able to have one. Just like one of you was writing, these type comments are usually form those that have been able to have as many children as they wished to or from those that may not like children as much as we do. I certainly do undertand and empathize with you and hope that both of you are able to have the child that you so deeply want. I hope and pray that my husband and I are able to adopt before too long. If I can answer any questions that you may have about my long journey with infertility and our plans to adopt, I'll be happy. I also hope that you would consider adoption if you are unsuccessful in having a child! God bless both of you. Angie C

[mom_of_one]

Dear Angie,
Thanks so much for your very sympathetic and understanding reply. It helps to hear from someone else who has been there. Thank you also for praying for my husband and me to have a child. I will pray for you, also.
Currently, my husband and I are leaving the IVF option open, but we are taking a series of classes for adoption called PRIDE. This 10-week session is required for adoption here in West Virginia. Have you ever heard of such classes? Also, I just turned 43, and my husband is 43, also. Do you think we would have trouble adopting, especially since we want a very young child?
Thanks again for your reply, and God bless you!
Brenda (mom_of_one)

[mom_of_one]

Dear Angie,
Thanks so much for your sympathetic and understanding reply. It helps to hear from someone who has been there. Thanks also for praying for my husband and me to have a child. I will pray for you and your husband, also.
Currently, my husband and I are keeping the IVF pursuit open, but we were put on a waiting list. We are taking adoption classes called PRIDE, which are 10-session classes required for adoption here in West Virginia. Have you ever heard of such classes? Also, I just turned 43, and my husband is also 43. Do you think we would have a difficult time adopting, especially since we want a very young child?
Thank you for your reply, and God bless you!

Brenda (mom_of_one)

[Poleczech]

I can definitely relate to feelng "defective" because you can't do what most women take for granted -- get pregnant. My husband and I have been married for over 17 years. Just after our first anniversary, we decided to start trying. For the next 15 years, we tried everything (from "lunaception," taking baby aspirin, taking antibotics, taking cough syrup, elevating my hips "afterwards," and of course, taking so many oral and injectable fertifilty drugs that am now struggling to lose all the weight I gained from it all, right up to just short of IVF.) We stopped short of IVF because when I went to the RE to see if I was a candidate, they found my uterus so full of fibroids that there was no room for a pregnancy. So I underwent a lap to clean it out and to check out all my other reprdocutive organs to be sure everything else was ok .... only to find out that I had a tumor on my ovary which turned out to be borderline cancer. Within two months, I had to have a complete and total hysterectomy (they even took out my appendix), so the possibility of my having biological children is now just dream I once had and a reality that will never be. I cannot tell you how many tears I cried (or pregnancy tests I wasted because I was a few days late and thought maybe this was it but wasn't.) Those 15 years were a rollar coater ride that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. But with some therapy and the love of my wonderful husband, we got through it and survived.
Now, we are hopeful adoptive parents, playing the waiting game again. But this waiting game is a much different rollar coaster ride. We have been through a different series of "tests" (not the medical but the criminal ones), we have had our homestudy and had our home and lives scrunitized, and are working with an agency. We are waiting for "the call" from a birthmother who wants us to parent her child. It feels bittersweet in a way, because I know that call will give us great joy, but will also cause great pain for the person on the other end of the phone. But it is still a gift from God that we know will come our way, if we can just be patient. I was always taught that "good things come to those who wait." Let's hope that 16 years is long enough.
For those of you who still have a chance with IVF or other fertility means, I wish you all the best. One thing I learned though in those 15 years, is that you are not alone, and you will have every emotion imaginable. My therapist taught me that not only will I have those emotions, but I am entitled to every one of them! But be good to yourselves and seek therapy if you are truly hurting in your heart -- it was the best thing I ever did for myself. My therapist taught me that fertility patients go through the different stages of grief just as if someone they loved had died. I have finally made peace with my lack of fertility -- I had to to be able to move on not only with my life, but to seek to be a parent through adoption. Yes, at times my heart still aches when I think that I can never feel a baby grow and move inside of me, but I also know that one day, I will be a mother through adoption, and I hope that my infertility "ride" will make me a better mother.
Best wishes to you all.

[HappyMomAnna]

I am a very greedy mom.... I had two children 14 months apart before I was 22 years old....at the time I had my second child I demanded my tubes be tied...as It was a sure bet I would be back again the next year for the third....After all my father is one of 8 and I take after his side of the family....
Flash forward and after 14 years of horrible marriage with two teen age children and I meet the man who I should have met all those years ago... He had no children and mine were teens......
We actually DID try IVF rather than untie my tubes because the success rate was higher. We were not completely dedicated to going the biological root but decided we could afford it and it was worth at least an effort. Thankfully, we didn't get too far only one big round of daily shots and all that icky stuff and at the age of almost 38 my doctor told me that while my hormones were great it appeared my eggs were old and not going to do what they should with all the drugs....We could consider a donor egg...and have some college girl take all the drugs and get paid for her egg....
By that point we thought why do this?
We had considered adopting as well and actually started our investigation into it while we were doing IVF.... Today we have two children by adoption who are siblings to each other! We ended up adopting our kids from the state foster care system.

[hennypenny]

Yes, I do know how you feel, it's very upsetting. With our first daughter five years ago, I fell pregnant easily in 3 months. I am now pregnant again, after 3 years of difficulty trying (I'm 32). People kept telling me that secondary infertility is rare, and usually indicitive of other medical problems, so I held onto that thought with both hands.
It turns out, there was a problem. I had endometriosis, and a blockage on my right fallopian tube. I had a laparoscopy, removing my endo. At the same time, the gyno did a dye flush through my fallopian tubes, which didn't release the blockage. 2 months later, I fell pregnant!
My advice to all of you is (not knowing what you've already tried) is to take note of your cycles. Take note of every little ache and pain, (at first, I had no idea that my bladder, bowel and leg pain were endo related) and keep your doctor up to date with all this info.
If your doc won't take you seriously (many couldn't be bothered helping me) keep shopping around, until you find a doctor who will! You really need someone dedicated to help you out. And again, I wish all of you another little miracle. Yes, I felt guilty getting upset when I already at least had a child, but you know what? There's no crime in wanting desperately to give your child a sibling.

[beth]

Don't lose hope for that second baby. My mother had a child when she was first married, and then that was it. For eleven years. She tried and tried and said she felt like a failure, even though she obviously wasn't. But after elevn years of waiting, something happened, and that something is writing this message to you. Hang in there, there's still time. Best wishes, Beth