[verymom]

Ny mother-in-law passed away last week. She lived 600 miles away from us, so we saw her about 3 times a year. My six year old son did not have a huge bond with her, but I am still concerned about his reaction ( or lack thereof) to her death. I explained to him that Grandma's body was sick, and she died and went to heaven where she lives with God, has a new body and is not sick anymore. He has accepted that - too well, I think. When the rest of us act sad about it, he says "but Grandma was sick and now she's feeling better and she lives in heaven". On the one hand, I think he has the perfect perspective, and we should all be so lucky as to accept death as putting our loved one in a better place, but on the other hand, I am worried that he is holding too much back. Any thoughts?

[babydawn]

I think as long as you are letting him know that if he wants to talk about it he can. Children can be very accepting of death. I don't think we give them enough credit. I went through a similar thing last summer when my father in-law passed away. The difference is, he lived a block away from us and it was very unexpected. My children took it very well though. They still have their moments when they cry and say that they are just missing grandpa, but we have encouraged them to talk to us if they have any feelings about it.

On another note, I am very sorry that you have lost your mother in-law. I know that these deaths can be very hard on the spouse. Probably not as hard on you as it is on your husband, but hard none the less. Trying to be there for them, while having grief yourself, and trying to be there for the rest of the family. My condolances, I know what a hard time you must be going through right now.

[verymom]

Babydawn - Thanks for the kind words. My mother in law had been ill with cancer for some time, but it still comes as a shock. I am really relieved for her, as she was in a quite a bit of pain. But it is tough for the rest of us. I appreciate your thoughts. You're right, as the spouse, you almost don't feel like you have the right to be upset - you're trying to take care of everyone else.

[shazbo]

My Father In Law Has Got Cancer And Has Been Given A Month To Live . My Partner Can Not Except That His Dad Going To Die. He Thinks Theres Going To Be A Miracle Cure. I Have Tried To Talk To Him But He Keeps Saying I Always Look On The Negartive Side Of Life . I Am Only Trying To Prepare Him For When His Dad Does Pass Cause Its Going To Hit Him So Hard PLUS I HAVE A 7 YEAR OLD WHO HAS GOT A VERY STRONG BOND WITH THIS GRANDAD . THAT ANOTHER PROBLEM HOW DO I TELL HER I JUST SAID HES VERY ILL

[mcmama]

You can't really prepare your 7 year old, except with honesty. Grandad is very sick. If the child asks if Grandad will die soon, be honest (gently). Kids don't need to have a whole lot at once about death and sex - they ask the questions as they are ready to accept the answers. So you don't need to "warn" her or prepare her. Take it as it comes.

As for your partner, a lot of families go through this with cancer. There's gonna be a miracle. Grandad will make it to his birthday, to graduation, to the wedding. People mark time in plateaus - and it really is a one day at a time thing. You can't prepare him either. Let him experience this, and be the strong one for him when the time comes.

Except for my kids, my whole family is dead. They have been dying one or two a year since I was 9. My parents were gone by the time I was 25; my father died suddenly when I was 11 and my mom had cancer for a few years. . I don't know what it is like to have a normal relationship past early childhood with a grandparent who isn't dead, dying, or too sick to relate. I have a few cousins who died of diseases, accidents, drinking. My brother died of HIV. Aunts and uncles - all older than my parents, and all gone one by one.

So I have some experience with this. There is just no way to prepare for loss, and no way to prepare someone. Just let it happen, and then let all the love and support take over.

[shazbo]

MCMAMA THANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY YOU HAVE BEEN THOUGH THE WARS. SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR FAMILY AND THANK YOU FOR THE WORDS

[beth]

Hi Shazbo,
There's really nothing you can do to make your husband admit reality. He probably knows what you're saying is right, he just wants to argue with you because the truth is too painful. Try to pull back a bit and try not to reason with him. Just nod and give him a little hug. That may be enough for him to stop "fighting" the issue. In any case, when the death occurs it will reveal the truth very clearly. Just be there for him when that time comes. We all must cope with death - your husband will cope, too, in his own way, when the time comes.

[shazbo]

Hi Beth thank you for replying i think you hit the nail on the head . he hears what i am saying is true but he just doesnt want to except it . i have still got both my parents so i can not say that i know what hes going though. i understand the pain but have never really lost any one close

[shazbo]

my father in law has passed over and is now out of pain . we told our daughter about her grandad on the day he pass.we said he had become an angel and jesus is looking after him now.her reaction was she covered her ears and said you are hurting my ears she knew deep down but didnt want us to tell her. she never went the funeral she went school instead but he was burid on the friday just gone and we took her to see grave on saturday with all the flowers on. she has been fine she did ask who was her grandad now and we said he is still her grandad but hes in heaven. my partner has been strong he was fine at the funeral but i dont think he has had chance to grieve yet because he arranged the funeral so he stayed strong for his septmother . but with fathers day in june i think that will be when it hits him