[drummergirl25]

Greetings,
I am a Christian woman who has been in a loving relationship with a Muslim man for almost 5 years now . He would like eventually to be joined to me in an Islamic ceremony, and then we would later hold a civil ceremony for legal purposes, and I am agreeable to this, but I have asked him first to formalize his divorce from his previous non-Muslim wife, which I think is only fair.
This man was born in Africa and raised in a half-Methodist, half-Muslim family. He came to Canada 16 years ago and continued to practice Islam in a very secular manner. When I met him and for several years afterwards, he continued to be a secular Muslim. Recently, he has become much more religious, doing his prayers 5 times a day and attending Mosque on Fridays. Almost every sentence he speaks refers to Allah. Everything he does and everything that happens, he makes a statement about its relevance to Allah and Islam. It is difficult to have a regular conversation with him these days. I have always respected his right (and everyone else's) to practice his religion and have never stood in his way. I have had to adapt to his new lifestyle in many ways, and our lifestyle has altered greatly, and I continue to adapt to the best of my ability. However, there have been some ominous signs recently that our relationship may be in danger. We may not be able to continue if we cannot work out these issues. I love this man and he loves me. We came into this relationship fairly late in life (he is 46; I am 50), and I do not want to see it fail now.
He has not asked me to convert, although I know he would really like me to, and he has made many vague references to conversion. He often asks me to join him in his prayer room while he prays, which I do not feel comfortable doing. He constantly asks me to pray three times a day in my own religion (there are no rules in my religion which expect me to do so), and often checks with me at the end of the day to see if I have done so. He has become very fanatical about washing himself for the prayers, and does not even want my towels to touch his, which sometimes makes me feel as if he considers me dirty. He often makes me wait until he is finished (in our only bathroom) even though I may be getting ready to go to work and have to hurry (his prayer times are not always consistent).
Last evening I returned home from a celebration of a co-worker's birthday at a restaurant, after not having seen him the whole day, and I approached him in an affectionate way (we have always been affectionate to each other) and tried to kiss him, but he pulled away and asked me if I had eaten pork for dinner. I felt rejected and became upset. I have not eaten pork since I met him, as a concession to his religion, and he knows this very well. How can he distrust me so much as to ask me this, and pull away from me? He says I should just answer him. I say he should not need to ask me.
I know that he prays 5 times a day when he can, and I respect that as his right, but he often spends so long doing his evening prayers that one session almost runs into the next (sometimes even three long sessions, one right after the other). As a result, we now spend very little time together. I have a full time day job and I also work from home on my weekends to support us (he is self-employed as a musician and doesn't work regularly; I pay the rent and most of the bills). Consequently, it would be nice if we could spend a little while in each other's company, but that rarely happens now.
When we do have some small spare time on the weekends, and we do activities that are not related to religion, things are great, just as they were when we first met only a few years ago. He is attentive and kind and good to me. But these times are becoming less and less common. I am trying to understand that Islam has become a large part of his life, but it is taking over our entire relationship and I fear for its success!
I invite any advice and help.
Salaam.

[Muslim Mom]

You have two problems. First of all, he's not even divorced! Secondly, he doesn't support himself. Least of all of your problems is that he is a Muslim, (albeit not a very good one if he is sponging off you plus married to another woman).

He may be trying to be true to the faith by instituting prayer back into his life, but he's got a long way to go if he's taking advantage of you in this way.

The hard truth is that you are being used by this guy and now he's using the faith to further intimidate you. Kick him to the curve and find a better man to share your life with, you're being a doormat.

[J920]

Not kissing you in the event you ate pork, knowing full well you havent eaten pork since you met him, is sending a message completely irrelevant to pork itself. You are unclean and I am clean...is what it is saying. I will not assume what kind of muslim he is, but a Christian teacher was killed in the streets by her studwents when she accidentaly touched one of them when they both went to pick up a pencil. That is what worries me the most, the subjugation. If he cant kiss you whats to stop him from hosing you down?

[Muslim Mom]

Originally Posted by J920

Not kissing you in the event you ate pork, knowing full well you havent eaten pork since you met him, is sending a message completely irrelevant to pork itself. You are unclean and I am clean...is what it is saying. I will not assume what kind of muslim he is, but a Christian teacher was killed in the streets by her studwents when she accidentaly touched one of them when they both went to pick up a pencil. That is what worries me the most, the subjugation. If he cant kiss you whats to stop him from hosing you down?

Excuse me, are a Muslim-how do you know what this means? Have you studied Islam or do you just take your from reading hate sites on the internet?

If you are going to write so-called facts, be sure to back them up with legitimate source.

This woman's problem has nothing to do with Islam or Muslims. He happens to be a Muslim and as I said, he's picking and choosing the parts that are convenient to him in order to keep this woman under his thumb. There are men like this in every culture, in every faith group. It's called ABUSE, he's called a JERK, she's rather stupid to not see this.

Don't boil it down to Islam or Muslims. The Taliban represents one 100th of one percent of the Muslim diaspora-they don't represent Islam or Muslims, just as the FLDS does not represent the Mormons, or Jim Jones did not represent the Evangelicals, or even Rev. Wright does not represent the Black churches and black Christians across America.

Your generalizations hurt everyone, your hatred hurts my family, my children.

[mcmama]

Are there resources we can direct non muslim members to which show how NORMAL muslim men are supposed to treat their wives? Because really, the image is so negative - the atrocities of the Taliban are very visible, memorable, and they feed into the stereotype of Scheherezade's sultan and other rather imperious figures with multiple wives and loads of privilege which the women do not enjoy.

Are there mens clubs? Anything like "Promise Keepers" for muslims? (Yes I know, Promise Keepers gets put down a lot by feminists) Anything which supports the muslim family man and his role in the family that we could read, view, etc?

The ladies who have posted here lately about muslim men who use the religion as an excuse for mistreating them are unfortunately not alone. I have known women who went through this too - seems fine when secular, but after the wife or girlfriend is isolated from her family and friends, the guy gets religion and keeps making demands - and the whole thing of the woman supporting him financially seems to play into it too. It can be very confusing for these women, their families, their friends - and helpful to see some visible guideline as to what to really expect from a decent muslim husband or boyfriend.

I have also known muslim couples as clients - the men treat their wives with great respect, and do not disrespect other women.

[Muslim Mom]

Originally Posted by mcmama

Are there resources we can direct non muslim members to which show how NORMAL muslim men are supposed to treat their wives? Because really, the image is so negative - the atrocities of the Taliban are very visible, memorable, and they feed into the stereotype of Scheherezade's sultan and other rather imperious figures with multiple wives and loads of privilege which the women do not enjoy.

Are there mens clubs? Anything like "Promise Keepers" for muslims? (Yes I know, Promise Keepers gets put down a lot by feminists) Anything which supports the muslim family man and his role in the family that we could read, view, etc?

The ladies who have posted here lately about muslim men who use the religion as an excuse for mistreating them are unfortunately not alone. I have known women who went through this too - seems fine when secular, but after the wife or girlfriend is isolated from her family and friends, the guy gets religion and keeps making demands - and the whole thing of the woman supporting him financially seems to play into it too. It can be very confusing for these women, their families, their friends - and helpful to see some visible guideline as to what to really expect from a decent muslim husband or boyfriend.

I have also known muslim couples as clients - the men treat their wives with great respect, and do not disrespect other women.

There are volumes and volumes available for viewing on the internet. It seems like this would be a major project to educate members here about the truth of Islamic behavior, I shall do my best to quote some good resources when I have a few minutes.

We don't need promise keeper type associations, Muslim men are to follow the example of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, and he was the best example of a family man in the history of the world. Because he was guided by God he never raised his hand to a woman, he honored women to such a degree that in reality Muslim women have enjoyed better human rights than their non-Muslim counterparts over the centuries. Muslim women have always been afforded the right to work outside the home, (and their earnings are their own to spend as they wish), they have had the right to education, they have had rights to own property, to vote, to divorce their husbands, the list goes on and on. think back to even just 100 years ago...did non-Muslim women have rights to their own property, could they vote, was higher education common for women? could they divorce their husbands without permission from him? No to all questions.

Now, there have been some patriarchal societies that have abrogated the Islam-given rights to women, just as men will try to do always, however, this is not what Islam prescribes for its followers. So, taliban, and other groups who follow the distorted teachings modern day Wahab from Saudi Arabia, have conveniently glossed over the rights of women and put everything in her life under her husband's umbrella.

A Muslim husband must be a provider and protector for his wife and family, not a tyrant.
The Prophet Muhammad, pbuh, cleaned his home, stitched his own clothes, repaired his own shoes, cooked food, played with his children, even prostrated on the ground in prayer while his grandson hung around his neck in play. During meetings with heads of state he would rise from the table and give his seat to his daughter if she entered the room. This is over 1,400 years ago in a harsh tribal society where people had previously been burying their newborn daughters alive out of dread of having too many girls in the house. (Is this any different today with the millions of aborted female babies among the Chinese society and the Hindu cultures?)

The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: "Whoever has three daughters, cares and provides for them, and shows them mercy, will enter Paradise ." He also said, "The most perfect in faith amongst believers is he who is best in manner and kindest to his wife."

[Muslim Mom]

The Council on American Islamic Relations has a campaign to educate non-Muslims on Islam and Prophet Muhammed.

Non-Muslims are welcome to request a free Qur'an. This is not a religious group, it is an American civil rights organization that has been working diligently in America to educate the public on the true nature of Muslims and Islam. They are not out to convert anyone, they are simply trying to get the facts straight. Millions of dollars have been donated to provide these wonderful Qur'ans that are translated into English and top quality so people can have a look and read and research for themselves.

http://www.explorethequran.org/

Then they have another campaign, inspired by the Danish cartoon debacle, that allows non-Muslims to request a free DVD of a PBS program called Legacy of a Prophet or a book by an Islamic scholar that explains to the lay person just who Muhammad was:

http://www.cair.com/Muhammad/default.asp

There are no catches or gimmicks, we Muslim Americans donate to these programs and this organization so they can help educate America on the true teachings and practices of the faith, Islam.

[mcmama]

Thank you! I don't think most of us are intentionally dumb or discriminatory, but it is a serious educational thing in our culture.

A lot of the generalizations have to do with the secular media - my son, an Episcopalian at a Catholic college struggles on several fronts to proclaim himself a Christian, yet the pope does not speak for him, nor do many evangelical leaders. Living in an area where there are many modern orthodox Jews, I find that there are generalizations about them that are really more accurate about other orthodox communities. But with American muslims, the generalizing really comes down to survival. So I appreciate you giving us these resources.

[J920]

Pork is unclean to many Christians and Jewish depending on denomination to the extent that it is seen as unclean and consuming it or touching it is unclean. That is the only place I was going with it. I apologize for offending you. If he were another faith, say Methodist, and used scriptuer to justify his beating his wife, well then that is wrong and ofcourse not reflective of all Christians/Methodists. I tied the faith and behavior together bc the poster made it clear the problem started when he resumed interest in his faith. ..whatever that might be. And i do not assume all Muslims are certain way but then again not all Christians bring glory to the name, Christian, either. Again to offend or categorize wasnt my intent, men using religion to justify this or that, was.

[Muslim Mom]

Originally Posted by J920

Pork is unclean to many Christians and Jewish depending on denomination to the extent that it is seen as unclean and consuming it or touching it is unclean. That is the only place I was going with it. I apologize for offending you. If he were another faith, say Methodist, and used scriptuer to justify his beating his wife, well then that is wrong and ofcourse not reflective of all Christians/Methodists. I tied the faith and behavior together bc the poster made it clear the problem started when he resumed interest in his faith. ..whatever that might be. And i do not assume all Muslims are certain way but then again not all Christians bring glory to the name, Christian, either. Again to offend or categorize wasnt my intent, men using religion to justify this or that, was.

Well, you actually wrote:

I will not assume what kind of muslim he is, but a Christian teacher was killed in the streets by her studwents when she accidentaly touched one of them when they both went to pick up a pencil. That is what worries me the most, the subjugation. If he cant kiss you whats to stop him from hosing you down?

That is certainly offensive and I asked you to please quote the source of the information you stated as fact regarding the Christian teacher killed in the streets. You need to either rescind this statement or prove its validity.

I'm sorry, but this kind of thing is rampant on the internet especially and it permeates the society at large and damages any chance of understanding between people of different faith groups.