[katesbirdworld]

I feel like a throw away mom. I love my kids. I took care of them. Sit up with them when they were sick. Loved them unconditionally. Helped them with their homework. Fed them clothed them. Gave them me time. Went without so they could have. Gave up sleepless nights when they needed me. Protected them. When my son was 15 he wanted to live with his father who left us. Knowing that his father was not the right choice for my son. I had to let him find out for himself. My son stopped talking to me while living with his father. When he was 17 he called and ask if he could come back home. No questions ask I said great. The door is open. Well I had to ask, why didnt you call me all those years. His answer. He was busy. I made no comment, just accepted him with open arms. My daughter needed a car. She helped me out in the past, so I got her a car. Kids turn 18 and its like mom doesnt exist anymore. She gave the car back with car payments I couldnt afford. My son turned 18 he moved on and no phone calls no visits. Now my daughter is 26 and my son is 23 and its like they never had a mother. I would do it all over again for them. Don't think I am complaining that I had to do what I had to do for them. I love them with my whole heart and soul. It just hurts so bad that they can turn away and never look back. The other day my daughter had to bring a car back she borrowed from my parents. She wouldnt even come to the house. She wanted to meet somewhere to drop the car off. My dad and I went and met her at a 7-11. She txt messaged me and said. No hugging, dont have time to talk, just handing you the keys and leaving. She said she had to go to the airport to pick her friends sister up. In December I called my son the day before his birthday in case he was busy for his birthday. I wanted to wish him a Happy Birthday. He said, you know mom you are bothering me. He was busy playing a video game. I feel like I failed as a parent.

[mcmama]

Kate, I know people who have gone through this. It really is unfair, and it hurts like hell. A lot of it has to do with divided loyalties, and the children's dependence on the abusive parent, and need to accept the idea that you could be discarded. I know at least two women who have endured this.

The solution for both has been to remain open to their children, but set their own boundaries and pursue their own lives. Both have found that they have been "cast" in a role of someone elses psychodrama, and their adult kids don't want to accept that the role just does not fit anymore. One has a daughter who is alternately cold and cutting or needy needy oh mom we love you. The loviness usually comes with "can we come visit and stay with you and leech off you" after which things go missing. The other has a son who chose to live with his dad (who was arrested for soliciting gay sex in a public park) because mom is such a big fat loser. She is not a big fat loser, and it pains her terribly - but it is easier for this teen to believe that she is a big fat loser than to accept who and what his dad really is.

Meantime, she gets on with her life, and the door is open. But the wallet is firmly closed. You can leave a door unlocked, but still have an alarm system in place.

We know that children who witness domestic violence often become abusers themselves. This is also a less traceable, and indirectly passive way for them to become abusers - even if they don't abuse their spouses and children, they continue the abusive parent's degradation and exploitation forward with you. They learn to use the good things of motherhood to make you vulnerable, and make you feel guilty or shamed or used because of it.

All of us give to our children, unconditionally, and there are no guarantees. It sounds to me like you are on a good path in other areas of your life. The goodness of your current life will make the lie your children live a lot less palatable as they mature.

[katesbirdworld]

Thank you. I needed that. Oh BTW. How come I do not receive emails on threads. I have my stuff set to receive emails. This is a great place. Has alot of people with good advice.

Originally Posted by mcmama

All of us give to our children, unconditionally, and there are no guarantees. It sounds to me like you are on a good path in other areas of your life. The goodness of your current life will make the lie your children live a lot less palatable as they mature.

[mcmama]

For some reason I don't know, your email was not showing up in the system, although it was on your profile. So I adjusted that, and you should be getting daily notifications.

[Alejandros Mommy]

HugZ Kate...I have not gone through this...but My mom is going through this with my 22 yr old sister....It pains me to hear your children are doing this to you...esp after sacrificing so much...I can only hope that as they get older and have their own kids they will finally get how much you love them

[QueenAngie]

Hopefully when your children become parents,
they will appreciate all your love
and the things you did for them.

(((Hugs)))

[katesbirdworld]

Thanks to all for the support. Sorry to hear that your mom is going through this. It does leave a void that is for sure. I just try to do things that make me feel better like giving back to the community. I am a big believer in giving instead of receiving.

Originally Posted by Alejandros Mommy

HugZ Kate...I have not gone through this...but My mom is going through this with my 22 yr old sister....It pains me to hear your children are doing this to you...esp after sacrificing so much...I can only hope that as they get older and have their own kids they will finally get how much you love them

[katesbirdworld]

I just checked my email and they are starting to come through now. Thank you.

Originally Posted by mcmama

For some reason I don't know, your email was not showing up in the system, although it was on your profile. So I adjusted that, and you should be getting daily notifications.

[katesbirdworld]

In the mean time I will give back to the community and try to make it a better place for other people to be. I have always been that way. One time when my kids were small we did not have alot of money for presents. They were probably 10 and 13. We seen this homeless man walking with his dog. It was Christmas time. I wanted to teach them the true meaning of Christmas. We went home got hot chocolate, some fruit, some food for the man, dry socks, some dog food for the dog, drove back and found the man. Being the protector I am of the kids I locked them in the car. After all he was a stranger. I took all the items up to the man and gave them to him while the kids watched as the dog ate and he had a smile on his face from the kindness of us giving him something warm to drink and to eat. That was probably the best Christmas present I could of given the kids that year.

Originally Posted by QueenAngie

Hopefully when your children become parents,
they will appreciate all your love
and the things you did for them.

(((Hugs)))

[katesbirdworld]

I noticed your signature. My husband and I also have older kids. My parents, mom and dad both 81 and boy are they a handful.

Originally Posted by QueenAngie

Hopefully when your children become parents,
they will appreciate all your love
and the things you did for them.

(((Hugs)))