[Angel038]

This is hard for me to talk about let alone share with millions of people. But going to try to make it as short and sweet and hope to get responses. I met my ex husband when I was 14. We dated for 6 yrs before we got married. Within those yrs he has lied, cheated and emotionally abused me. I finally divorced him but I have these jealousy issues and have always in relationships after that. I cant trust and whenever a pretty woman is near or a b/f talks to or meets, I get a rage inside. I am currently in a 5 yr relationship now and in the begining my bf now has lied to me and went and met a girl from online but nothing physical went on which she told me all about it and thats how I found out. Well, it was my computer he used and i found her name and instant messeged her. Anyways, I forgave him but cant forget and he still lied after that about chatting online in yahoo to others and I saw emails that were inappropriate and such. When we moved here to nc 3 months ago i found yahoo again on his laptop and he lied and said he did not chat but found them on it. I am at the point where now again i am going into rages when he leaves to do racing on a crew team or when a female goes by, i think he is staring and I get upset. I want this feeling to stop and I am actually on the verge of moving out but dont want to but i dont know how to conrtol it so I run away from it and back to single life to avoid it. Does or has anyone ever felt like this and if so how do you control it or fix it or should I just end it? I know he loves me, but if he truly cared and did, then why the need to look elsewhere. I will ruin any relationship I am in because of my jealousy. thank you so much.

[mcmama]

I have trust problems too. Haven't gotten past them in almost 10 years of divorce to even go on a date. So you are ahead of me. But I'm probably older than you and was raising kids under difficult circumstances. Also, I haven't met anyone worth the trouble since.

Some people compartmentalize their life so that what we know is cheating they believe is not. Chatrooms work very well with this self delusion, because they are anonymous - people are looking at the screen and not each other. But it's not like looking at erotica, it's connecting with real people. Some folks have a hard time separating the fantasy from the reality. That's why a lot of people will say they are not cheating when in fact they are - and they lie about it because they want to avoid the truth.

You need counseling for yourself to heal this hurt within you. Also, you may be right in suspecting him of cheating when he goes out. But probably not when he is racing on his crew team, that is pretty intense.

Whether this relationship survives or not, you don't want to always have this baggage of being suspicious.

[jodie46]

Angel,

I am so sorry you are sad.
This will not be want you want to hear but Im not sure it is your jealousy that's the real problem. No woman with any self respect would be happy about her bf sending private messages to another woman-whether or not they physically met.
No woman would see lying as acceptable. No woman would see cheating as acceptable.
To be honest if this had happened to me and I had it out with my bf, got all upset so that he knew how much it had hurt me, yet he continued doing it again and again-especially after he said that he would not, then I would assume he did not have sufficient respect or feelings for me to deserve me. Even if he does not understand why it upsets you, the fact that it does should be enough for him to stop (if it really is just messaging what would be the big sacrifice??) I would finish it, but you have to take your own time and make your own decisions
.
I know it is hurtful but if he is doing nothing wrong why does he hide it? Why does he lie about it? Why doesnt he tell you he has a messaging friend openly and do it in front of you. Everyone is entitled to their privacy but I would find this secrecy insulting-and worrying. What else is he lying about and hiding? Where does he draw the line?

I also wonder why you assume you are so jealous-more than the average person. Could it be that two lying cheating men have firstly genuinely made you more untrusting and jealous because of their bad behaviour, and secondly kept on TELLING you its all in your head and you are jealous to cover up for themselves, knowing they are playing on your weakness?

Trust is not given, it is earned. You are right not to trust this man if he has not worked hard to earn it from you. I'm sure you can be jealous but if you were with a man who was open and honest, I bet you would find it easier to be more laid back around attractive women-call it a hunch.

One last thing, when you try explaining to your bf how much his behavious upsets you and why (ie it is not that he wants to have friendships outside you or time to himself, but the secret way he does it, hides it from you and lies about it that you find upsetting and worrying) also ask him how he would feel if the situation were exactly reversed. Chances are he will try to SAY he wouldnt be jealous, but his face willl give him away that he would be. If his answer shows he really couldnt care less then perhaps you need to revaluate how much you think he cares about you.

You do not say what it is you love about this man, or what he loves about you?
5 years is alot to throw away over nothing-or alot of time to waste with the wrong person. Only you know the truth. Why dont you talk to him, be open lay your cards on the table and hold nothing back-what do you have to lose? Make it real to him, tell him at every stage what you feel and why, what you are willing to do to work at a solution and what you would like him to do to help. It is important to let him do the same and that you both get a go at talking when the other person does not interrupt. Then set a mental deadline of when you will do check things ie if nothing has changed in 3 months after youve made yourself clear, will it ever change?? Perhaps walking away is the only way he will take you seriously..sadly sometimes that's what it takes, but there is always a chance it will make him realise what he's lost and fight for you.

I'm sorry, I hopes this helps just a little.

[Angel038]

Jodie, yes, what you have said does help. I know 5 yrs is a long time to throw away. Thats why it hurts so much. This has been going on for quite some time now with this problem and it wont go away without help. I tried to talk to him about getting counseling but he cant afford it. I am not working right now so it makes it tough. When he walks out the door to go work with racing on a crew team he is gone a good part of a day and night and sometimes overnight and in my mind i am wondering what he is doing or who he is meeting and talking to. I cant help it. I dont want to be this way but I am having a hard time trusting his word because of his lies but I also was like this in past relationships because of being cheated on by ex hubby and lied to so many times. it seems that in any relationship I get into I cant control my jealousy or cant trust. I start to then get controlling. By that I mean my b/f now does this racing thing and I want him to quit it and he wont so by him telling me he wont I feel second to his hobby and that bothers me. I am trying to control him by stopping him from doing something he loves and i dont want t do that but I feel if he wanted to work things out or try he could put off the racing for awhile but he wont and thats when I feel second to it. I get very upset when he goes out and when he does, I am always asking him questions like who was with you, who did you meet, etc... I dont want to do that but cant help it. I feel like I am losing control of my own life. I gave him an ultimatum as well with the racing and told him if he goes racing im leaving and he said he is going racing. See, I should not give him ultimatums and I know that but because I am jealous or whatever I want him to stay home with me. I have sat down last night and we got it all out and decided the best thing for us was for me to move back home but today he does not know what he wants me to do. If I stay, i wont get better and i will end up unhappy and making him unhappy. If i go, I wont be happy and wont make him happy either. I dont think he is physically cheating or ever has but by meeting another female from online and chatting, it was enough to hurt our relationship. But it should not have to destroy it. I want to trust his words and maybe sometime I can but I dont think I can stop with my questions to him all the time of where he was or who he was with or what he was doing. Its like a control thing and i feel out of control when he is out racing or over friends or whatever. I know at some point I am gonna need help and when i can i will get it but just confused on my life and what to do. Kim

[deanac24]

I am sure things are tough for you. My first marriage was based on infidelity and abuse. I was physically and emotionally abused. He cheated on me from day one. We had 3 beautiful boys together. But now I have major trust issues with my current husband. I am in counseling to deal with these emotions and it is helping alot.

[jodie46]

It must be so hard. Take strength in the fact that you did the right thing once before, you got a divorce and it was no doubt horrendous-but you lived through it! When you and your husband split up it must have been hell not knowing what he was doing or where he was at first but you managed because you had to. Maybe that is how you could think of this. You agree to try not to ask hundreds of questions if he promises to be open enough to volunteer anything he thinks you should hear-even if it might hurt you. When you are bursting with a question say your 7 times table in your head until the panick subsides, ping an elastic band on your wrist-whatever you need to do to break the habit of asking for habit's sake.. You could start on a allowance on 3 things per day-you limit your questions to 3 (so pick them carefully) if he volunteers three things ie I saw pete or whatever. Maybe for every less question you ask he could offer one more fact so that in the end he could come home have a shower and want to share the news about his day with you openly, before you have asked-that is how it often works! All this is nothing if he is lying though, remember that-dont be a fool to yourself. If he is playing around mentally or physically none of your efforts will make a difference.

I also think that part of your panick is feeling out of control. He goes racing, where do you go? When he goes out, you try going out-even if its just for a quick walk around the block so that you focus on somethinf else other than imagining what he's up to and building it up in your mind. Join a free library- a book sounds boring but its great for escapism, it gives your mind a break and the journey there and back would get you out, and maybe you'd meet other people so that he could wonder what you are up to for a chance! Take some control back. Suggest he goes out racing sometimes. You'll be amazed how much better you feel than when you beg him not to go and he rejects you by going anyway.

I am a little confused by what you write. It sounds like you have reason to worry, yet he must care to put up with the questions. I am sure you can both get free counselling for your relationship if you feel you would benefit-but remember what counselling is. Counsellors are not miracle workers, they are just people who will listen without judgement. If you try really hard you could provide that for eachother. Set an egg timer for 5 mins and only one of you gets to talk until it buzzes. no shouting no blaming no going over your time-save it til next time. then swop. You do not get to judge the other person for the way they feel, or belittle them, you just listen. I bet you will feel silly but I also bet it will help if you keep it up. If he is silent during his 5 mins dont interrupt or speak to fill the silence, just wait. Even if he says nothing during his 5 mins for the first few times, he will in the end.

A saying I know to be true-If you love something let it go, and if it doesnt return to you it was never really yours in the first place.
Ie if your bf really wants to get up to no good then he will find a way. You questioning his every move will not prevent it, but it might stop him admitting the truth for fear of the consequences.

I make alot of mistakes but I live by the fact that the hardest road is almost always the right one to take.
Be brave and take your time, you will make the right decision.

Let me know how you get on.
J xx

[Angel038]

jodie, ty so much for writing. I am reading and taking in everything you are saying. I did try to have a talk with him tonight to find out what it is exactly we both want and such. It turned into an arguement. He asked me, are you done? Well, I said, oh yes I am done and I walked away. I am not sure this is going to work. he as a hard time communicating with me but it is so easy for him to communicate with others. Dont understand that but I try my best in the relationship even though I know I can be hard to deal with at times. I feel he is or does not try hard enough. It is really hard to expain what I meant in posts. Just feel like I am losing my mind and reality of life. Frustrated. Well, I am off to just think and lay down for while. Ty for replying to me and i will keep in touch. kim

[MissyChrissy]

Often we attract the same type of person, so when you got rid of the 1st cheater you realistically could have gotten involved with another of the same sort.

imo, this current bf has shown that if he hasn't cheated yet, he's capable of it. I do not think your jealous feelings are without merit-I think he's done things to bring them forward. He is responsible for talking to other women on the computer...of course you're upset about it!

Here's an anology for you...you take the same way home every day from work. Day in and day out, the same thing. It's comfortable, and you can predict it. Often, we meet people the same way too...it's comfortable. We like comfort, and we're interested and attracted to people we're comfortable with...only because we're USED to it. But I think you need to find a different way home from work. Check out the other scenery. See if you can't find something "better" on that other route...meaning, you may want to look in a different area for a bf. If this one fails, don't blame yourself, move on, and find a new way to meet someone, someone different than what you're used to and comfortable with...perhaps you'll finally land someone who'll be faithful to you, and you'll see the jealousy disappear.

[Angel038]

ty missychrissy. I am leaving to move back home. Tonight trying to talk to him was like talking to a wall. This hurts but I know I can get over the hurt. But just hope I can get over the way I feel towards a relationship now. We have a dog together as well and that is also hard leaving her. I am going to stay with my mom for now and she has a dog already so if she did not i would take my our dog with me. But they both dont get along. I am just at my wits end. I feel like i am alone even when i am in a relationship because lack of communication from his part. Well, I will keep in touch. ty all for your replys and support. Kim

[jodie46]

Good girl Kim!! That's really brave to walk away. It's difficult not to cling on to anything like leaving the dog behind as an excuse not to go but you did it anyway, that's brilliant!
Even if you choose to go back to him he needs this time to take you seriously and gain some respect for you. Hopefully if you give yourself time you might find you dont actually want him back.
I know it seems like an eternity but try and stay away from him for a month. If it's meant to be then one month wont change that, and if it isnt then a month away will give you a change to start to feel just a tiny bit better about yourself and about him.
try not to text or call, or reply to his, take a proper break or you may as well not bother making this brave move otheriwse. Your mum will help you to keep busy.

I'll be thinking of you.
Keep in touch x