[TigerLily13]

I have been married to a wonderful man for almost eight years. I say wonderful because he truly is the greatest guy I've ever known. He is sweet and kind and loving and giving and handsome...But there is just this one ginormous problem. He and his father are co dependent on each other, and he is so highly enmeshed in his family of origin that he continually sacrifices our lives together in order to appease them and their needs.
They are ALL about manipulation...his father will even throw a "tantrum" to get his way with my husband. My father in law and my husbands' younger sister also use illnesses to get attention and keep him reeled in. They are constantly trying to get him to even feel guilty about not being at their beck and call.
So we went to counseling...again. And he just won't get it...Just becuz they are your family, you do not need to accept this behavior. Esp when it hurts your wife and your marriage. After the one session, I started going alone. He thinks that I can change my "feelings" towards them...but I cannot. With the blessing of the counselor, I have told him that I will no longer be around them, aside from maybe a holiday or two. This will inevitably create issues, since they are involved in everything in our lives. But for my own emotional well being, I cannot continue to allow the behavior. And without proper boundaries...I don't see our relationship inproving, rather I see impending divorce.
He says he will go see the counselor...but has yet to make an appt. I just made my third appt with her alone. He says he is trying but I don't understand what he is doing other than working it out in his head. Obviously that has not worked in the past, so I don't expect different results.
The counselor says that we must have one weekend day to ourselves, uninterrupted. Which has ended up as a joke, instead of just simply telling them this, he makes up excuses...so they call continuously, and he answers the phone.
I don't know what to do...I need help because I truly love him, I just dont want to be miserable anymore. I don't know if he understands how close he is to losing me, but I have even brought up seperation, but he doesn't seem too concerned...
What do I do?

[mcmama]

You are going to have to set your limits and take charge of this. The answer is no. No. No they are not coming over. No we are going out alone. Etc. Etc.

And of course they will be in his ear about how troublesome you are. This sounds like the kind of family who really does not let anyone in, is very dysfunctional, and appears to be thriving because they are so "close".

He has to continue to go to counseling with you, and somehow there has to be reinforcement for what the counselor is saying. And he has to go. With you. Make the appointment. Drag him there or else. Don;t wait for him to make the appointment. set it up for the two of you and go. He;'ll "play along" at first, but if you KEEP GOING and INSIST on him putting you first, eventually he may get it. Or you may need to get a divorce, no matter how much you love him, because his family interferes.

I guess no one has told him that you are his family now.

[TigerLily13]

I am actually very proud of myself for starting to enforce my boundaries. But it seems like I am the one doing all the work! He told me last night that he did tell his family and has enforced our one day together. Which is not true. He told them that we were having issues and needed some time to figure things out. Then told his dad that he wasn't feeling well (which was true), so that got him out of plans with him last weekend. I asked him point blank why he doesn't just tell them flat out that one weekend day is just for us...uninterrupted. He said that he will deal with it as it comes up??? So when did he tell them this? Apparently uninterrupted means that they can call five times!
The problem with the counseling is that I told him that the counselor thinks he needs to get help on his own, and that I would leave it up to him and not mention it again. And I'm not going to go back on my word. I just made my third appt alone, and it will be two months since we saw her together. TWO MONTHS! It's like he thinks that things will change by doing the same thing over and over...meaning that he can just deal with things on his own, in his own head. I disagree becuz it has never worked int he past...He says he is going to make an appt, but still hasn't. It makes me feel like I am doing all this, and he is just waiting for me to change.
Last night he told me that he loved me, but if I needed a change in my life, he understood, even though he doesn't like it. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
Thanks for listening, and for any advice...I feel like I am fast approaching the end.

[daddyoftwogirls]

I don't think that ONE day for yours alone and six for them is fair enough for you, but better than nothing.
Would moving away be an option? Probably it's not as it would imply changing jobs and so on, but it would be a way of putting some distance (in distance and time) between them and your own family.

[TigerLily13]

Well five days a week, we are both working...so usually that is not an issue. It's the weekend that they like to invade and monopolize.
And we have actually moved...granted only about 20 miles away, but we used to live much closer in a very small town. I thought that moving would help the situation, but it has only seemed to intensify their grip tightening and them trying to get my husband to sacrifice his time with me.
Let me tell you exactly what happened a couple weeks ago...My husband and his dad had plans to site in their rifles before hunting season, but he also had plans with a friend at 2pm. He was up front with his dad and told him that he had until 2pm...apparently his dad can't site in his rifle himself (this is a whole nother story with them using illness as a manipulator). Anyway, at 2pm he told his dad he had to go...his dad threw a tantrum and they got into a fight because his dad still had another rifle he wanted to site in but forgot the bullets for it at home. Okay, so my husband talks to his friend and gets it worked out so that they can grab the bullets and all three of them would go back, and the friend could site in his rifle too. The friend was totally cool with it...but not good enough for his dad, he refused. As if punishing my husband for not doing things "his" way! So my husband gets home, and immediately calls his dad and apologizes and tells him that he will come over the next day to help him. Without even saying a word to me...so I sit home all day alone, while he goes over there to appease his father. Of course I am upset, but his response to me is that "he did what he felt he needed to do"...and then admitted later than he screwed up, but offers no solution for avoiding the same situation in the future.
This is just the tip of the iceberg...I have many instances of this type of behavior, and even worse. The counselor says that we need one day that is off limits and uninterrupted, unless someone is on their deathbed. So he calls them and tells them that we are having marital issues and need time to work them out, so has to cancel plans to go hunting the next day. Last saturday he said he wasn't feeling well, but that it worked out since he had plans to go hunting with his dad??? He just won't come out and say that we must have one day to ourselves. I think that then there would be no excuse for their behavior...but apparently uninterrupted means that they can call fives times! It's as if he can't handle them/dad being upset or angry at him, but is perfectly fine if I am???
What is wrong with him? We went to one counseling session together on Oct3rd...he then says that maybe I should go alone for awhile since it seems like I have stuff I wanna work on for myself. So I have gone two times alone, next (3rd) appt is Dec 4th...he says he will make an appt on his own, but has not. Two months is not enough time? I promised myself I would not bring it up or hound him, since it is his resp.
I am at my wits end...if you are a man, can you give me any insight? I know that he doesn't want to hear what the counselor has to say, but does he realize that he will lose me? I would never ask him to choose between his family or me, but that we have a healthy relationship with them. It's like he needs to "break up" with his dad?
He texted me last night and said that if I needed a change in my life, he understood, although he doesn't like it...What am I supposed to do with that? It's like he is trying to manipulate me, like they do him. And I will no longer allow it!
Thank you...

[QueenAngie]

Seems very reasonable to have one day just for you and DH....without the extended relatives.

Actually, it should probably be more like 2 weekends out of 4, IMO.
But that is probably asking a lot.

Must be a lot of issues growing up in that household that
your husband is not yet ready to face or address.
Going to counseling would certainly help him with those.

You are so right .... DH needs to tell his family that he needs
to have the day w/ his own family.
Take the phone off the hook or let the answering machine
pick up.
Unless there is a death in the family or a severe accident/illness,
everything can wait until the next day.

Good luck!

[mcmama]

You need to do the counseling together. He is not going to do it on his own. It is too big a step for him right now.

If you want him to get with the program, you are going to have to plan the program, unfortunately. Counseling is the beginning - and it should focus on communication between the two of you and building your relationship - and affirm that spouses come first, family of origin second.

[mcmama]

You need to do the counseling together. He is not going to do it on his own. It is too big a step for him right now.

If you want him to get with the program, you are going to have to plan the program, unfortunately. Counseling is the beginning - and it should focus on communication between the two of you and building your relationship - and affirm that spouses come first, family of origin second.

[daddyoftwogirls]

Well, I'm a man but can't really give you an insight (I guess if he was my friend I'd say grow up man). He seems to feel that he can maintain the statu quo with no more consequences than having you complain from time to time. At this point it seems that you have to give him a few clear options and he has to choose one, and keeping like now is not one of them. Moving farther away could be one (or it can be worse I don;t know, I mean having them for sleep overs...). Another is of course he accepts attending counselling and respecting the "day off". Finally there is you or him leaving home. If you are clear about this last one his floor will shake and he may realise that something has to happen, either way.

[Coolchick332]

Ugh my ex husband was like this and we tried counseling and even with that it didn't work.

And the in laws never liked me anyway to begin with. To top it off he cheated on me and then we decided to divorce. I'm still pretty upset about the ordeal but recently sold the diamond engagement ring he gave me to www.idonowidont.com for some closure.

You guys need to have a serious talk before it gets worse!