[whymom]

O.K. I can't believe I'm telling a bunch of strangers about my marriage problem. But, I don't know what else to do. I'm really confused about what I should do.
I've gotten myself into a big mess. I married a man I did not want to marry. My marriage day was like torture to me, knowing I did not love him, but saying yes to the marriage vows anyway. I thought he was attractive the first day we met, but as I got to know him more, I knew that I didn't love him. I tried to tell him that I didn't want to be with him, and he started talking about suicide. How could I have a suicide hanging over me for the rest of my life feeling it was my fault? So, I married him, deciding I would just make it work. I didn't tell my mom, I didn't tell my religious leaders how I felt, but inside I knew. I thought, well, he wants to be with me so much, at least he will never be disloyal if he wants to be with me so much that he would even commit suicide. I tried to rationalize it away by telling myself that would make it all work out.
Well, fast forward to now, nine years later. I have been through every kind of problem with him it seems. Pornography addiction for a while until I discovered it, lying, copying my term paper in a class we shared without my knowledge (and they thought I had copied off of him), getting fired for jobs we've had because of lying and then trying to cover it up (and embarrassing me to death, making it look like I had part in the lie which I knew nothing about). We've had to move 10 times in 9 years, usually because his boss has major issues with him and he either gets fired, or he realizes they're moving in that direction and quits before they can fire him. The moving has started driving me crazy for my kids sake, they have to keep starting over again making friends, and I have to also which is hard for a shy stay home mom.
We have three children. He has not been much of a father to them at all. I do everything for them. He rarely plays with them, is almost always moody at home and quick-tempered. He has never changed diapers, rarely read them bedtime stories, never helped give them a bath or get them ready for bed or cooked or cleaned, or gotten up with at night with a crying baby. I've done absolutely everything for them. He is almost always watching T.V., on the computer or reading or playing Xbox. I take out the trash too.
He worries about himself, and I worry about all of them. I would like him to help just to get them ready for church one time a week, and for the six years we have had kids, he hasn't helped once. Just one time a week I would like a little help, and he more than knows how important it is to me. He never watches the kids unless they can be completely babysat by the TV, and I know when I come back that they will be hungry or needing changed, so I have to hurry like crazy. The problems have gone on and on. He has refused to talk to a counselor when I have begged him to. He never takes me on dates, never afford to get a babysitter he says. . . And yet, he tells me that he loves me and has said before he would probably commit suicide if I ever did leave. I don't get it. He would give you a good excuse for every one of those if he were here. And then there's major money problems, he has made very poor financial decisions and we are constantly trying to shovel out of debt-The kids and I have had to go without for a lot of things to not get us even further into debt.
I have always been a big outdoor person. I have even gone on camping trips with my little ones by myself-packed up the whole car, set up the tent, everything, because it hurt me to think my kids would never have a dad who would do stuff like that with them, so I have tried doing it myself until my mom got on me and said that it is too dangerous for a young mom to take her kids camping by herself. I know she is right. But I feel like I'm giving up a huge part of myself and for my children's future. I don't want them to grow up and just sit and either watch TV, play Nintendo or read. (One week, when he was out of work, he played for 38 hrs. of Nintendo) My interests are everything but T.V., his are only anything involving a screen or a book.
So now you may wonder why I have not left him yet. I will say that to many he comes across as an ideal husband. He has admitted that he can trick anyone into thinking he's this amazing person. At church, he comes across as this amazing man who knows so much about the scriptures and is the ideal husband. It really bothers me. He is very well read, so he knows all the right things to say. But, he has never known how to really apply it.
I am not like that. I am pretty shy and I think if we divorced, he would find some way to look like a bad mom. My kids have had a lot of health problems, (which I think in large part is due to our having to skimp on groceries and they weren't getting the nutrition they needed-there were times when he wouldn't even let me go to the store and he would come back with all this refined stuff, so my boy has had major issues with constipation.)
I am worried about me now though. I have always done everything I'm supposed to do-a good girl through and through. Never sworn, done drugs, or did anything bad as a teen. But I have to admit that recently I have been tempted because there is a man I have met that is the most amazing single father and I am having a hard time not falling in love, and yet he is not even a part of my faith. He loves outdoor stuff too and does tons with his kids. And I can't believe I am having an issue with this. It scares me. I don't even really know if he would ever do anything anyway-he knows I am married, and we do not flirt or anything like that. He is a good man and doesn't know about the problems I am facing. But just knowing him has put a spark of joy back into my life. Probably we will just go our own ways. But this whole thing has made me really wonder if I should continue. My husband has made some improvements, and has tried because I think he has sensed that I've kind of given up, and has tried to change just to keep me here. This other person has made me see that I really could have a happy life someday. Or maybe all marriages are eventually doomed and I'm seeing life through rose-colored glasses? What should I do? My parents got divorced when I was young, and I never wanted to hurt my own children that way. But I am worried about where my feelings are going., and that I might eventually do something I might regret. He has all of a sudden tried to make all these changes but he has before, and the minute I stop wanting a divorce, he seems to go right back to his old ways.

[MissyChrissy]

He has held you hostage by manipulating your feelings. If he's going to commit suicide, he's going to do it. Tell him you're leaving, and when he pulls that on you, give him information where he can go get help. If he doesn't-that is HIS problem. You have to take care of the kids and yourself.

I know-I sound totally witchy don't I? Easier said than done, I know. My uncle commit suicide, so I know what it is like to lose someone over it. I do not blame my aunt for it...none of the family does. She had recently left him, but his suicide was due to his depression and unwillingness to get help for it. People get divorced all the time. Yes, it hurts. It sucks terrible. But life moves on and those who wish can find happiness in their future.

As for camping alone with the kids-I have to disagree with your mom. It's no more dangerous for you to do it than if you were a man. That is stereotypical and you sound fully capable of taking care of yourself and your kids. Heck-you've already done it! Kudos to you!

I say, you're already a single Mom. You might as well get the divorce, get the child support, and have your household run the way YOU want it run. Document all the crap your soon-to-be-ex tries to pull on you. I doubt he'd win.

[mcmama]

Gosh, are you married to my ex? Same kind of manipulation.

They don't kill themselves when you leave. Some guys like this make a BIG DEAL out of everyone knowing that they are killing themselves and it is all because they are so heartbroken, but they usually are pretty ineffective. So that is blackmai. O my, gonna kill yourself? Wait, I'll call 911. OK, help is on its way. Bye.

This may not apply to your husband at all, but you are describing a man like my ex - a closeted gay husband who cannot face himself. The kinds of struggles - and fronts - that you are describing match these experiences. Your husband may not be gay, but he has something to hide, and it is eating him up. And I also have a friend whose ex is a closet homosexual, who was very controlling about her going to the grocery store, how much time she took, what she bought, what she didn't buy, how she paid. These men who hide from themselves in marriage have serious control issues and are mental health train wrecks. They are often addicted to all kinds of pornography.

I would not go for an affair, because you are really in a vulnerable position. If you do this, then you become the bad one - and you had better believe that his good standing in the community and the church will mean that he and everyone else stand all over you. Also, it sounds like you are describing a fantasy more than a reality. And I know what you mean. Single dads who really DO the parenting are very attractive.

If I were you, I would go for counseling first - with and without him. Sometimes faith based counseling does little more in situations like this than try to prop up the false image of the guy who is pretending to be a solid citizen. Sometimes faith based counseling is a great way to shed light on the real issues which he can't hide from. You have to evaluate this yourself. But get professional help, because of the suicide threats. You cannot live this way, and there is a thin line between self destruction and taking loved ones down too.

[whymom]

Thank you guys for your posts. Mcmama, you're right. An affair really would be a very bad idea. I have been surprised though because I could never understand how someone could do something like that. It should never be acceptable under any circumstances and I don't think I ever would even if that choice were presented to me. But I am shocked to realize that everyone is vulnerable.
I think I'm just a coward. I don't know how to get out of it. I'm afraid of how I will support my kids, what lies he will spread about me (and he would), if I will ever find a nice man (or do most men just put on fronts and then change the second the vows are taken), where I would live, if I would get custody. . . And I don't know what it will mean for my kids. I mean, this has gone on for almost nine years.
It's hard to not compare-my sister has a husband that works a ton but then still comes home and helps cook dinner, change diapers, get the kids to bed, etc. And he does everything with their family. Yes, their marriage isn't perfect, but it sure is pretty good. It doesn't help much that my mom always reminds me of the differences in our marriages.

[MommyFun]

whymom, I know it has to be difficult to share your feelings like this. But it's a great first step. You're being real with yourself. You're acknowledging that you're secretly attracted to the single father, your feelings towards your husband, your fears about divorce. I noticed that you mentioned your religious leaders. May I suggest sharing these feelings with someone at your church? I know this sounds scary, but you need to invite people into your life to help you sort through the maze of feelings and choices and you're facing, whatever you decide to do.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

So sorry that your marriage has not be everything you'd hoped for.
Have you tried counseling? Go for just yourself.

How can it be healthy for your kids to move that many times? Not have enough $$ for nutritious meals for your kids?

This is not a healthy environment for you, the kids, or your husband.

Do you have any skills to have a job? Time to start looking for something you can do to support yourself & your kids.

Could you do a home daycare?

I would be working on documenting all your financial assets. Get a credit card in your own name. Work at saving a small amount of money, hidden from everyone else.

Can you go to your mother's home?

What about food stamps?

There is also the Angel Ministries available in many cities.

Could you go to the local church for free food?

What about free meals for your children in school?

Prayers for you!

[yahyah]

I would recommend getting out of the marriage before exercising any options with this man. He does sound wonderful, but from my friend's experiences, if you act upon your interests before the marriage is over, you may ruin the chance that it will ever work. Best of luck and I am no expert by far, just speaking about the experiences I have seen from afar.

[thomac]

Have you had any professional councelling help whatsoever? You have a very long list of complaints about your spouse. Everything is presented in a negative light. This may sound harsh, but what have you done personally to try and improve your relationship. Maybe its time to suck it up and let go of all the criticism. A job probably would help your mental health too. Stop being selfish and do whats best for the entire family.

[thomac]

Get a job and everything will fall into place. Stop being the victom and you can take some control back. Try some forgiveness as well and things will improve

[Alejandros Mommy]

thomac, it is far easier to post critisism then to actually support and listen. All your posts since you joined have been like this. I advise you as a new member to be supportive to our members so they in turn can be supportive of you. We do not allow consistent "bashing" of our members here.


Now back to the Original posters question.