[making_it_work]

Ok let me start off by saying any advice brought to me here is greatly appreciated.

The story starts off 3yrs ago I was unfaithful and cheated on my wife I slept with someone several times during a 1month time. A couple months after this happened she found out, through her sisters. She said she had forgiven me. Everything was fine and then I started to talk to some other girl last year, just talk nothing more. Feburary of this year my wife left me, she said she needed to work on herself before going any further with us. I was devastated, because I thought there was nothing that was going to tear us away.

She has been gone now for 8months total, and she wants to come back and I'm willing to let her come back. Now within this 8month spand she has had 2 boyfriends which she has said she only slept with one. In July I met up with a old highschool sweetheart that I haven't seen in 10yrs. My wife found out and made a huge deal about it, and well I ended up calling the cops because she brought like a whole posse with her to beat up my friend. I ended up going to jail because I didn't know I had a warrant for missing court. I was in jail for 2days, when I got out my wife came and cried to me that she wanted to be with me I said fine and I proceeded to try to make things work.

2wks passed and she came and said that she didn't want to work things out and that she wanted to go back to being with the guy she was with. I left her and told her to get out of my face and out of my life, I basically took every picture down in my apartment that had her in it to forget about her. I then just stayed to myself and my son and my friends, not paying any attention to her.

Months pasted and now she is coming back saying she doesn't want to be with him that she had to support him and that her mother brought her up better than that. She said she loves me and wants to make the effort to work things out. I told her fine again. Its been about 3wks now and things have been a little rough, because she wants to keep that guy she was with as a friend and I keep telling her no that he needs to be out of everything if this is going to work.

I love my wife and I will do anything for her and I know I have made my mistakes in life also. I want to love her again like before, I want us to be happy again like before. I'm looking for advice on forgiving her and moving foward and hoping she can do that same thing. She says she hasn't spoken to him even though he has called her but that she don't call him. My biggest problem is that I think she is only wanting to come back because of the holidays. We have talked a lot and she doesn't want to move back into our apartment she says to many bad memories, so I told her fine we will look for another one, but she doesn't want to move to quick on this either, which I don't either if she is planning on leaving me again.

Please help me as to what to do I know I want to get counseling for both of us we need it, I am going to church so that helps. I love her but when i'm not around her I feel as though I have no control and I don't know what she is doing. I need help from feeling so insecure and also this feeling of OMG what is she doing? Is she talking to him and I don't know it? Does she still tell him she loves him? Does she really love me and want to move on with me?

Thanks in advance for help and sorry about the long message.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

2007 has been a tough year for you two, hasn't it.
I'm tempted to say that the two of you are going through
the Seven Year Itch on the 6th year together.

Do you two have a child together? I am not certain when you say you have been with your son and your friends. How old is your son?

Am thinking that you two need to take things slow and get counseling. Marital Counseling.

Fidelity and trust in a marriage are both very important.
Those have both been broken in your marriage by your affairs
and your wife's affairs.

Good to hear that you are attending church. Better to be there
then taken to jail.

Maybe your minister could also give you some good tips.

Let us know how things work out.

[slygirrl]

Wow..... you guys desperately need counseling and I don't mean that hatefully but geez.....

Honestly I think marriage counseling isn't going to solve the problems, I think you both need to do individual counseling. If not to figure out that youguys are not compatible married, but also so you can both gain your own sense of sanity. There is a trust that has been broken between you two. A trust you may never get back. Not to point the finger but you broke it first. (and not to really harp on it, but I don't care how you justify it you say you started talking to another girl last year..... okay you had an affair on her once-- which she found out from her sisters not you-- do you blame her for leaving after the second female enters the picture?) I don't know if I could ever trust someone who had an affair behind my back. No matter whether it meant nothing or it meant something. You guys took vows and those vows were broken.

Now I don't know if it was retaliation on her part to have not one, but TWO boyfriends (which is innappropriate no matter how it is worded because there was no set "We're getting divorced" decided upon, there fore it's cheating on her end too).... So she is just as wrong as you were..... I can offer you my best wishes and hope that you both seek couples counseling as well as individual, but there has been so much damage done on both ends that if you two can salvage your marriage- then it was truly meant to be. If not, cut your losses and you both need to move on... Good luck

[making_it_work]

QueenAngie: We do have a son together he will be 5 in February. Things have been better, I am willing to trust her, just need her to show me that trust as with I'm sure the same with her I need to show her that trust.

Slygirl: I know that the damage has been done, and I take full responsibilty to know that it was my fault at first, as a man and as a human being I know that what I did was wrong and thats why I want to salvage my marriage, I love my wife and I have always given her the best for her and my son. I haven't slept with anyone since we broke up. Now there is a age difference between us, i'm 27 and she just turned 24.

She says she wants me back and she says that she wants to build up our marriage again we have vowed not to make sex one of our main points, we have slept with each other when we first talked about getting together but not since, we are both waiting for the right time. I know this marriage can work, I feel it I just wanted some extra tips on getting it moving in the right direction again. She is spending the night at my house tonight and tomorrow night also. hopefully we can get our little shorty to bed early and we can talk and sit and watch movies or something and just hang out like old times and sort of rekindle our love for each other.

I got some nice idea's about making a picnic inside the house like in the living room so that would be good to do tonight if we can.

[mama2riley]

I'm not going to rehash what has already been said, but I agree with it...

I was going to suggest dating your wife again. Start from scratch. Sounds like you both need to build that trust up again which is so hard once its been broken. But if you can get back to enjoying time together, getting to know each other again, and discover the things you love about each other, that might be a good place to start. I commend you for your willingness to fix your broken marriage...not everyone would think it's worth it. I hope everything works out for you and your family and that you can both begin to heal.

[making_it_work]

Mama2riley: Thank you for those encouraging words. That is exactly what I was looking for. I'm going to be honest not many people now of days especially at my age think that fixing a marriage is worth it, but my family to me means more than anything that could have happened and has happened. I will always be willing to put forth effort in everything I do. I am not a quiter if I was when she left I would have went out looking for someone else, which I didn't.

God works in mysterious ways and I know that he has a plan for me and my wife.

She has already opened up and told me that through all of this she wants to have another kid when she turns 25 so possibly after her next b-day God willing we will be working on our 2nd kid.

[newmrsth]

"She has already opened up and told me that through all of this she wants to have another kid when she turns 25 so possibly after her next b-day God willing we will be working on our 2nd kid."
I have to say this, given your situation, what in the world are the two of you thinking planning a baby with your 'marriage' in the current state of disarray that it is in?????? PLEASE do not do that.

[mcmama]

I think you both are heading for disaster.

If she is just turning 25, you both are pretty young. And you need to work on the marriage thing. The forsaking all others thing. Not just the "sex" thing.

And for crying out loud, don't bring another baby into this. That will solve nothing and make a lot of problems.

Counseling. Pledging your troth. Forsaking all others. In sickness and in health. Richer or poorer. Till death do you part. Not until you don't feel like putting up with this anymore so you go find someone else and she goes and finds someone else and you involve those someone elses and their messes in your mess.

You can't "make" a marriage work if you don't really pledge yourselves to what a marriage is.

[making_it_work]

I feel what everyone is saying and I know that yes thinking about a baby is a little, rough no one said we are going to start working on it now.

Your right we need counseling, or we need to speak to a minister, or we need to speak to some kind of person who can help us out of our problems. To be really honest we will work this out, and as much as people might think this is a marriage that is already in the dumps it could be much worst.

Now I'm not saying that the damage is gone from both sides, yes the damage is still there and will be there for quite some time, possibly forever, but in my honest opinion its also how long God wants to let it stay in our hearts and in our minds. If God helped me to forget about her so that I would not be pursuing her during those hard times, I know he can also take away the pain and damage of what is in my mind and heart as well as hers.

Things happen according to the way God wants them to, so right now as helpful as this is, I know and have faith that God will bring us back together and help us both forget what has happened to us and bring us closer.

[slygirrl]

If I sounded like I was attacking you at all, I apologize for that because that wasn't my intention.

I'm glad you realize the extent of the damage the affair has done. I have been on the receiving end (to an extent, not quite the same level you took it to, but pretty close) and it is incredibly hard to overcome that. Some days still are better than others as far as me and my husband go.

Yes, you guys are young, you're the same age as me, so right there the age affects everything. I'm not really sure when people older than us decide that we are "grown up" and that we're not so young anymore. I got married at 22 and it's been a rough road. I can only pray that you guys do take reconciliation as serious as you need to to make this work.

And as far as a second child, please don't even consider another child right now. A baby doesn't save a marriage, it just strains it more, especially if you guys are on a very rocky path as you are. She's 24 now and wants another by the time she's 25? It could take at least that long just to work out your guys' own issues. Like I said good luck, it's going to be long and hard but if you're both committed to making it work with your whole hearts then maybe there's a possibility it could be saved.