[StrangeLife]

Quick Background: I was previously married for 6.5 years in what I thought was a great marriage, the envy of many of my friends...after my second child started walking my ex kind of snapped, couldn't handle the stress of being married, a mom, said she was no longer attracted to me, needed more passion, had two affairs and ran off with a string of ex-boyfriends. This all happened start to finish in 2 months...I was devastated. We divorced amicably, and I retained custody of our 2 young children (both under 3 years of age at the time). I received counseling to help me deal with a whole new set of insecurities and damaged to my confidence.
Fast forward: about 5 months after divorce final, I am a consultant so I travel a lot. Met a nurse thru eharmony, wrote each other for 2 months, and then started dating, she was in southern California I was in New Mexico, but I had a client who I visited on a weekly basis in SoCal. The writing was great, the dating was even better. Lots of physical, mental and emotional chemistry. Enjoyed each others time and had a lot of fun together.
Her background: Partied a little in high school and after in college, got pregnant by accident, young, (23), father bailed out. Put herself thru her educational program, became a strong independent single mom....serial dater, dated guys on averaged about 2-3 months. Had one long term relationship that lasted 14 months but ended it because she grew tired of partying and he wanted to party. That relationship was a weekend relationship, only saw each other on weekends. Got serious about marriage and what she wanted in life, met a guy who was ideal on paper but to whom she was not really in love or attracted to...dated for over a year, on an off, he pushed marriage, she reluctantly agreed because she didn't think she would find better. It lasted 5 months at best (2 realistically), swore she would never marry again without chemistry and love. 4 years later, and no serious relationships since, she meets me (at this time her daughter who has lived her whole life with mom is now 10).

We date weekly (1 or 2 nights a week) for about 8 months and start to talk marriage, realize that the best option is for her to move to New Mexico, which is fine, she has nothing holding her to Cali and has wanted to leave for a while. We get engaged for 7 months after that.

At the time of the engagement, the relationship is affectionate, loving, happy and and great chemistry. 2 months before the wedding, the father of the daughter finds out about it and files a restraining order keeping the daughter in the state for a custody battle. (note he has never had custody, paid child support, taken care of the daughter, wasn't even recognized as the father, it started off as a paternity suit; only involvement has been a monthly visit for about 2 hrs starting after the daughter turned 5). He gets his day in court, lawyers advise us to get married otherwise it would draw out the custody battle.

We have now been married 4 months. About the time the custody battle started, my wife's level of affection started to falter. The wedding and honeymoon were great and saw a massive rekindling of passion and fun and was wonderful. However, ever since the honeymoon, she has not been affectionate. She is kind, but if I show up after not having seen her for a week or 2 or 3 weeks, she doesn't get up to greet me with a smile and a hug, she never seems excited to see me. She doesn't touch me casually (touch on the arm, the back anything) when we are out and about, and does not like to hold hands, all of which are contrary to what it was like when we were dating. She will not initiate cuddling on the couch, or even sit close to me.
Remember, this is still along distance marriage too and we are still in a custody battle.
On the positive side, if I sit next to her, she doesn't shy away. I can say, hey I want to cuddle , and she will smile and hug me. I can sit next to her and put my arm around her and sometimes she snuggles up, other times she will say shes not in the mood to cuddle.
OK...
but her sex drive is nonexistent. She will give me sex when shes knows I need it and because she wants me to be happy, but she is not ever interested or even desires it...though after a while of foreplay she does get into it and enjoys it.

Still, I reached a point where it started to destroy me, the fact that she just did not seem attracted to me, but tolerated me...there were lots of signs she loved me and lots of communication everyday (we do talk everyday even when apart)...but at the same time lots of actions on her part that just seemed like she didn't care. the most hurtful are that she does not seem excited to see me if we have been apart for a few weeks. That she does not touch me casually any more, public or private and that her sex drive is gone. She shows me very little physical affection, and I am not talking just sexual...but yet she shows her daughter lots of physical affection (example, she demands good night kisses from her daughter, but it never crosses her mind to kiss me good night, though if I initiate it she never refuses).

I brought it up twice in the last two months and we talked a lot about how I felt like I didn't mean much to her because she seem like she didn't care if I was around and her physical affection for me was absolutely gone. She felt horrible that I felt this way and explained that its not what she felt, that she was attracted to me, that the sex was great for her, that she wanted me around, she just didn't know why her sex drive was gone and so forth. the second time we talked, about 4 weeks after as things had not improved much, was not as focused on my feelings of unwelcomed or unloved emotions but rather just that it was hard for her because it feels like we live separate lives (which we do, my kids and I in New Mexico, she and her daughter in SoCal). She stated that maybe its just the feeling of I show up and she feels like I interupt her routine...she did meniton that she finds herself annoyed when I want to participate in her life, like attend her daughters dance recital, or that I will casually ask her who she just got off the phone pwith, and then shes tells me this shouldnt bother me, your my husband and I love you, but some psychotic (her word) thing in my brain just gets annoyed. She wants the custody over with, she is excited to move, wants to be with me and start our lives together, but right now its hard for her to enjoy letting me be a part of her life.
It has goten a little better the last few weeks because she is more aware of the fact that I need to feel like she wants me in her life and I am taking extra measures to relieve her of her stresses (for instance I flew out one week simply to take care of the daughter for a few days while she worked (she works long 12 hour shifts, sometimes 2 or 3 days in a row and is always needed to get babysitters and so forth). Still the lack of affection, sex drive, excitement of having me around is still a no show.

I believe she loves me, but I believe her single mother life of the last 10 years and lack of any serious relationship has left her rather un-affectionate, I on the other hand, having spent 6 years in a very loving and affectionate marriage, than devastated by betrayal, can't help but want to love her and shower her with affection and at the same time I am craving that need to feel like I am attractive to her and that she desires me, wants to be with me. The separation doesn't help and I know the custody battle stresses her to no end. (hopefully it will be over with in December)

My concern is how much of her lack of affection, non-existent sex drive, and lack of excitement over seeing me even after having been gone for a few weeks, should I take seriously and how much should I simply attribute to factors such as the separation, the custody battle and our very divergent backgrounds. Part of me knows men who have been married for years only to be miserable because their wives have no desire for them, and I do not want that to be me, and not having moved her out here yet, I hate to say this, but it would be easy for us to divorce and just go our separate paths...... but I love her very much, I hate the idea that I am thinking about divorce, and I believe she loves me a lot, but being the kind of guy I am (and mind you I am what most people consider close to an ideal husband--not trying to be arrogant....I am a hard worker, great provider, no vices, very attentive, I take care of the kids, clean house, cook meals...and I actually enjoy it, I love having a family and spending time with them, I travel 3 days a week for work and spend the rest of time at home, and I don't watch television or play video games, I prefer to spend time with my family and my spouse), I cant stand the idea of living in a marriage where my wife does not desire me or feel attracted to me (though she says that she is, shes acts like she isn't...I know too many many who tolerate that and they are all miserable. But I don't want to end it if its just the circumstances affecting us (it was great when we were dating and not suffering from the custody battle), at the same time I don't want to fall into the trap of believing that if this changes or that changes everything will improve. Would it get better, would her desire, affection and sex drive return once we were living together and starting our life together???

This sucks!

[mcmama]

Marriage to someone who lives in another state is a "compelling reason" for taking the child out of state. The fact that you are married but she has not moved indicates that they've got her over a barrel somehow. The father of her child is doing this to be abusive and controlling - likely a continuation of what went on in their relationship. So she has legal and personal issues to work out - and brings a lot of baggage into your marriage.

She married you on the rebound. And even though you were planning to be married anyway, your marriage took place for the wrong reasons. Having a long distance marriage with all that takes place with travel is very difficult under the best of circumstances. Your wife has probably married too soon and has not yet worked out all the feelings she had about the first marriage, particularly since she is subject to the abuse of a post judgement custody suit from a father who never was involved before.

Why did her first marriage break up? There is more to that than what you are saying.

Single moms, particularly those of us who endure adversity as a result of actions by the father of the children, often develop a tighter relationship with the children than is usual. Anyone coming into the household in a parental role can feel like an interloper. That might have been a factor in the first marriage, and it is intense with you now because she is threatened with the lawsuit. But it is easier to say there was no chemistry, or something else.

Your family needs serious marital counseling. Did you have any premarital counseling?

[StrangeLife]

Hi Mcmama,
I think I need to clarify timelines, as I don't see how her marrying me was marriage on the rebound...

10 years ago....she gets pregnant by short term boyfriend, he bails out while she is in her 3 month pregnant. They were never married.

7 years ago...has first real long term relationship...weekend only and party activities...last 14 months.

5 years ago, marries a good guy but is not in love or attracted... marriage ends in 2 months, officially in 5. He is not the father of the daughter...though the father of the daughter did start coming around at this time to visit daughter and was a major stress on the marriage, he played games with her husband at the time and created tug-O-wars between her and her husband...she ended up dating the father again immediately after divorce, thinking that if it could work out it would be best for the daughter... but that lasted two weeks as she realized he was not interested in actually being a father rather wanted to screw up her marriage.
Marriage broke up because of a few reason, no real love, married for desire to be married to good guy, he had major insecurities issues due to father of daughter, she couldnt place loyalties between him and allowing her daughter to see her dead beat dad, she also became emotionally involved with father again while married due to stress and negative reactions coming from her husband due to fathers involvement...basically, she screwed up and admits it.

1.5 years ago...we meet. She has dated many men, but no serious relationships (all less than 2-4 weeks) in the last 4 years.

10 months ago, we are engaged.

6 months ago..father files restratining order..custody battle, after finding out we are engaged.

4 months ago we are married.

He does have us over a barrel, and I have been involved with the lawyers and everything so I understand exactly what is going on...even though, as according to our lawyers and several Court Psychologist we have met with, he doesn't have a case but he still gets his day in court..right now we are under a court appointed family evaluation (3rd month of 5 required).

I do agree with you on the aspect of a second person coming in as an interlooper, and we have talked about that a little.

I agree we need couseling, so does she; I am just worried at this point that once we get the judgement, and I do move her out her and we start our lives together, that the physical and affectionate nature of our relationship will not return...even with couseling..especially considering we have been married for such a short time.

I guess I should add that part of my concern is if my own fears and insecurities are exacerbating the problem...yes she never seems excited to see me when I show up, heck she didn't even get up off the couch last time to greet me when I walked thru the door after not having seen her in 3 weeks...but she does accept my gestures, she likes it when I touch her or massage her, she does warm up if I am effectionate..I guess my problem is that if I do not initiate it, she never would, and that is what makes me feel unattractive to her. I know when I have talked to her, she does feel many times that everything is fine, even though I am feeling like she doesnt care if I am around or not, she says that she wants me around. Is most of this in my head??

-SL

[Momof2kids]

Well, you have two options, try and make it work or end it now. You have both agreed to counseling..try it. What do you have to loose? Also, consider the stresses--once your wife have found happiness her daughter's father comes into the picture, creates chaos and then moves on. She recently married you and living apart from the man she loves, has to uproot her life and move into another state away from family? or friends including the new changes for her daughter. Your wife married you, you are living apart and raising a ten year old, and working 12 hour shifts. Sounds stressful? I think so. As long as the lines of communication are open try counseling and wait until they move in with you. Hopefully once her life gets settled the romance will resume. Good Luck!

[StrangeLife]

Thank you Momof2,
That is what I want to believe, that once we settle down that our relationship can resume and the romance rekindle.
But its hard because, in my own situation, I have 2 kids under 5 that I take care of full time, and run my international consulting company from home which means I am up at all hours and work non-stop on top of taking care of the kids and the house and everything else. For me the stresses act to increase my desire to be with her and see her and want to spend time with her, and because the stress has the opposite effect on her, that is one of the reasons I am worried and scared.

[StrangeLife]

I guess I want to add, I really have no intention of ending it, I love her dearly and would do anything for her. I also take hope in little things she does that tells me she loves me.
I do blame a lot of her lack of affection on the distance and custody stress, etc, but I also believe that part of the problem is she never really has had a true long term loving relationship, ours is the longest she has ever been in and I think she just may not know how to be affectionate in a marriage...which is something that can be taught.

I just want to talk about it, and I have not been able to open up my schedule to visit with my therapist (havent seen her in about a year, but its time I think, unfortunateoly my schedule does not make it easy to sync up).

Ultimately I want to believe and hope that at some point we can have the affectionate relationship that I expect a marriage to be (an note I am not talking just sex drive).

Thank you all for listening to me.

[chio88]

Give her time. She had been single for quite a long time. Maybe when she comes to settle in with you, she'll learn to be affectionate "from" you.