[shawn418]

I was curious if I could get some feedback on problems I'm having in my marriage. I've been married for 6 years. We have no children together but we both have 2 each from previous relationships.

My marriage in the begining was fantastic, new, and exciting. We got along great. Slowly things from my wifes past has crept in and has created issues. During our marriage, she has had financial issues (bouncing checks and unpaid credit cards). She told me that she never bounced checks before she met me. During one of our breakups I found some of her old bank statements. In those she had bounced checks.

Now mind you we are currently on our 4th separation. This has been every year for the past 4 years. Only to have her call and say she's not ready for divorce. Usually in the early summer and lasts till around Thanksgiving. I by no means am the perfect husband. I try my best and provide for my family. I go to work evey day and do what's expected of a husband.

1st of all as to what started this last separation, we were going through our usual financial issues. Well while we were sorting them out, my wife was going out and applying for credit cards. She didn't talk to me about this. I feel this is a family decision. She said the reason she didn't talk to me was because I would be irrational. The real reason is she didn't want to hear that we couldn't afford them.

My wife also puts no effort into our marriage. She places high expectations on the relationship. When I try to meet her expectations, she then raises the expectations higher. I feel nothing is good enough for her. She also seems to only look out for herself. She told me a few weeks ago that she thought I needed medication to take the edge off. Well when I said that if she thought that, make me an appointment. She told me that it was my responsibility. The way I see it, the spouse is supposed to look out for the well being of each other. Am I wrong in thinking this??? I had to do the same for my wife about a year ago. She was having a breakdown and I called and made her an appointment and took her to the doctor. When I mentioned this she said "Yea you are the husband of the year".

She has alot of issues and she seems to push them on me. There have been several times where she has made me feel worthless and question my manhood. She has told me that I'm not a good parent and that i'm uncaring and uncompasionate. I feel you get what you give.

My question is, why do I still want this relationship? I know its unhealthy but I do love her with all my heart. She has made this failed relationship out to be all my fault. I do take some responsibility, but I feel she has the most blame. When I try to talk to her about it she says that I'm attacking her and being abusive. Could there be an underlying mental issue? She says that this is it. I have embarrased her and humiliated her. Is this a sick game she plays for her enjoyment?

I guess I'm looking to see if I was not at blame and that I did everything in my power to make it work. We haven't seen a marriage counselor. She says I can't change who I am. But I feel she WON'T change who she is. You have to want to change. She has gotten by this far and now the heat is getting to hot to handle. I feel she has used me for all i'm worth (mentally and financially).

I'm looking for comments and advice. Any is definately appreciated.

[gaby12]

Sounds like the two of you might be having difficulty communicating... I just read "the relationship cure",,, it is about communicating and relationships. You should check it out,,, some of your story sounds awefully like the book examples where people just have completely different styles of communicating, but the good news, according to the author, is that you can learn to communicate better...
Also, it does sound like your wife has a spending habit problem. Everyone has some way to "escape" from life's problems,,, some people go to the movies, eat, exercise to excess, some use alcohol, or drugs, and some people spend money. I don't know much about this but I have a friend at work who used to have a spending problem, at one point i think she had 70K credit card debt on a 19K a year salary. Anyway, she went to counseling and somehow worked it out. She said she used to not like herself, and now she is a very healthy and strong happily married woman...

[JeanLynn81]

Gaby that is some great advice. There's only one thing I want add, but you almost covered everything I was going to say!

I wanted to add that it sounds like she is competing in the "who's the better spouse" marathon. Meaning she wants to be the better half, but she's not, so she's pointing out every single tiny flaw that she can find in you. She's going to continue to do it until she feels better, and how do you get that accomplished? You see a marriage counselor, who can balance everything out, and give you a different perspective. She needs to see your side more clearly, and you hers. As Gaby pointed out, it is clearly a communication problem.

Good luck!

[mrmnmom82]

I read a book by Dr. Laura and in part of the book she says, basicly, the way to get affection or a compliment, is to give it. It can be difficult, but it works. It's more difficult if the person is narsicistic, which I don't think your wife is, it sounds like she may have a low selfesteem.

I just had a friend whom I suggested the "give compliments to get them" and her husband wasn't very receptive. so it's not a sure fix, but worth a try I think.

[shawn418]

Originally Posted by mrmnmom82

I read a book by Dr. Laura and in part of the book she says, basicly, the way to get affection or a compliment, is to give it. It can be difficult, but it works. It's more difficult if the person is narsicistic, which I don't think your wife is, it sounds like she may have a low selfesteem.

I just had a friend whom I suggested the "give compliments to get them" and her husband wasn't very receptive. so it's not a sure fix, but worth a try I think.

I see the point as far as communication. I have tried to communicate. She is reluctant. I have told her on several occasions that "you get what you give". She wants me to be loving and touching and warm but she don't want to do the same for me. She only sees things one way, HER WAY. The low self esteem my be the thing. I have and always tell her shes beautiful, looks nice, smeels good, and so forth. Just not sure where it stems from.

When I recently went to talk to a counselor by myself, he calls her condition "The Princess Syndrome". She wants everything done for her and handed to her. Just not sure if thats the life I want to lead. She treats me like one of her children. I've told her that I already have a mother.

Thanks for all the comments so far.

[gaby12]

have you told her what you really need from her?

[shawn418]

Yes I have been very specific as far as emotional, mental, and physical. She uses the excuse that I don't provide for her. I try but if I put my arms around her while in bed she'll say she's hot. There is always an excuse. If I hold her hand, she says it hurts. Not sure what is going on but I know that I'm a mess from all of it.

[mrmnmom82]

She sounds very self-involved. Marriage is about giving. Do you know why her previous marriage ended? Do you think this could be the reason, and she still hasn't changed her ways? This, in my opinion, is how some people end up married 5 times, they jump from relationship to relationship, continueing the same bad habits, continueing to push people away.

It is good you don't have any children together, that would make things more complicated.

I hope you are able to figure things out.

[grt8day]

The financial part is really about her saying your financial future doesn't really matter. Yes, I believe that if you are opening credit cards and not telling your spouse there is a serious problem. It really is going to take the two of you to try to do some work. If she is in denial then I guess the work that needs to get done won't. If you are working hard and trying to support your family, then it seems that your wife is not understanding how give & take works. It is really no way to live. How long can a spouse continue in a situation when they do not feel appreciated or loved? Hopefully, she will see what she has before she loses you, and then only has regret to look back on. Keep us posted, and wishing you all the best. Dr. Laura did write a book "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands." Buy that for her and put it on her pillow, maybe with a sweet note or something. Just a thought.

[gaby12]

Yeah, no,,, I probably wouldn't buy her a copy of that. I have that book, thought it was a funny title. Although she makes some good points, she is using reverse culture sensationalism to sell her book.