[spnishangel33]

I need some advice to see if what I am feeling is wrong? My boyfriend of over a year wants to continue visiting with his ex's family. In the beginning he introduced me to them and I thought they were okay although I was a bit uncomfortable. They (niece & her family) would come over for cookouts. Well my bf came home upset & told me the reason was that someone took it upon themselves to do a background check on me. Well I wrote a blog stating how that affected me and how it also affected my bf not knowing that it was his niece that actually did the check. Well since then, over a year ago, they have not come over and during the past holidays he said if I wasn't welcomed then he wasn't welcomed. Of course I felt good about that decision since I would've done the same. Anyways, I do know how much his ex family meant to him so I invited them over for Easter & of course they were a no show. Well this past Mother's Day he told me that he was taking his mother over to their (niece) house to spend time b/c it would make her happy. BTW, I wasn't invited either by them or by him. I got upset & he said that I was being selfish & this day was about his mom not me. I got upset b/c I felt he was alienating me. I told him that the only way for us (niece & I) to work things out is by being around each other & he said that the holidays wasn't a time for that. I asked him if all holidays were going to be like this & he said that he shouldn't have to give up his family (only by marriage) b/c she & I can't get along & that families always share the holidays. I have tried by asking them over for Easter & I went to dinner w/ all of them about two weeks ago when a member of their family was leaving for Iraq. He says that my attempts aren't genuine and till they are it will be like this. Is it right for my boyfriend to continue his relationships w/ his ex family? I feel like it's not normal. I read all of these help books on blending families where they talk about keeping old friends w/ a new relationship & normally you shouldn't. Also they talk about being friends w/ the ex on a daily basis & you shouldn't but I have yet to find anything on your boyfriend wanting to continue being a family w/ his ex's family. Help & truly be honest.

[MissyChrissy]

I'm a little unclear, at one point you said they're related by marriage? If your bf is related, then you need to work on sorting things out. He should either help you, or perhaps you can go to the niece directly & have a one-on-one conversation & really clear the air.

If they're not related (by marriage or any other means) then I don't understand how he would place them above you for holidays, and that would be a red flag imo.

All that being said-I do consider myself very friendly with one ex and his family. But the circumstances are that his mother & father were good friends of my father's when he was a young man...the two families were friends for years and I saw no reason to stop that just because our relationship didn't work out. I was 14-16 then too, and I'm 31 now. I'm not going to stay mad about something from so long ago My dh doesn't feel threatened by it either-he even helped my ex work on the mother's car once.

So, there are situations/circumstances where ex's can remain totally platonic friends. Every situation is different.

[fairy101]

I am in a similar situation .... about every 4 months something comes up about the ex's family. Stll pays for mothers day, x-mas presents, etc... even a vacation for them ... he is divorced from them for about 10 yrs -- he got the ex's family in the divorce .... they didn't want anything to do with the daughtor because she left this wonderful man and cheated on him. (when the grown kids want to buy this side of the family a present it always comes from his pocket) He has 3 children ages 22-30. He does'nt visit the ex's family much just pays for stuff -- he does get calls, invitations to b-day, weddings etc (someties he does go)....
Sometimes i just want to slap the ex's family for being so ridiculous.
If I wanted to see & do things for my ex's family i would - but i would also realize i am still attached to them ... so i don't get it.
We've talked about it but basically he wants to continue this relationship with them ... .... it is very hurtful to know he has not let go of that past relationship --- he in my mind is still part of that family and he and i will never bond completely util those ties are severed.
Tell me how things are going spanishangel33

[ahermitt]

unless there are kids invovled, it is strange. If there are kids involved and he does not want to include you, I really think you should leave him.

[shepatna6319]

My husbands ex is still involved in his family, and he asked them to cut ties with her. They refused, so now we just don't talk to them anymore. I can not imagine being on the other side of that mess....

[Das]

He's made friends with them,I can see you might be uncomfortable but maybe he just sees them as family now.I'd worry he might want to go back but I'd try to see it as he's got close with them.They are individual people & they must all like each other to be friends after the break up.
Not everything is black & white.