[princessme618]

My 14 yr old son is going to a classmate's sweet 16 party that is a semi-formal evening affair (6pm-midnight). I cannot pick him up at midnight because I have an eight year old daughter who is long asleep by midnight and have no one to keep an eye on her if I were to leave. I told him that I would be happy to drive him & friends to the party if another parent could bring him home. I told him I want to speak with the parent who would be bringing him home (to verify he actually has a ride) -- well, he went nuts! He says he doesn't understand WHY I have to always talk to the other parents, that I am so old fashioned and so unreasonable. Well, I thought I was being reasonable trying to give him the opportunity to stay until midnight instead of making him come home at 9 pm!
He doesn't get why I make these requests and then gets so rude and takes such a nasty tone with me. He's lucky I'm allowing him to go at all due to his recent attitude ( he hasn't been doing his part here a home, not completing homework, etc.)
Don't I have the right to confirm plans with other parents? To know who's car he will be riding in? To make sure he has a way home at that hour? Isn't it my obligation as a mom?
Any feedback, advice, etc is appreciated!

[twinzplus3]

Um. . .yep! Perhaps you've been so reasonable that he doesn't understand what really unreasonable is like. Tell him that you've reconsidered and you'll be picking him up from the party at dd's bedtime. (Okay. . .I'm just kidding about the last part. . .) But it's your house, your rules.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Having survived 2 sons through their teenaged years (at least so far that is), I think you are being very generous in allowing him to go to the party and staying until midnight.

Yes, I would call the other child's parents to discuss the transportation home. That is simply a safety thing that concerned parents do.

Give him the choice: you will contact the other child's parents about the transportation arrangements
or
he will come home at 9:00 PM.

As far as the mouth issue: nip it in the bud now or when he is 16 - 17 it will be much worse.

Have one of those calm, quiet discussions at the kitchen table, where you are both relaxed and sitting down. No outside disturbances.

Do the Sandwich Discussion:
Bread: verbalize something positive that your child is achieving at this time
Meat: discuss the main issue of concern here and a resolution that you can both agree upon
Cheese: any questions that your child has (Twinz is the one that added this step and it is important)
Bread: end with a positive trait that your child exhibits.

Don't forget that teenagers still need the hugs, kisses, and "I love you's!"

[twinzplus3]

It's funny but as I was reading Angie's response I was also thinking. . .

If I were the parent that was doing the on the way home transporting I would be slightly annoyed/concerned for NOT having heard from the other parent. I think the way to explain it. . .(maybe it can be the lettuce in the sandwich ) is that it isn't personal towards him but a common courtesy to the other parent.

[sharinielsen]

I agree w/ QueenAngie. I am a high school teacher and listen to the kids talk about what they do at friend's houses and how they get away w/ stuff. It's scary! I would ABSOLUTELY inform your son that you will be making contact w/ the other parent this time and every other time or his social life will be very limited. I would much rather know who he is with, what he is doing, and that he is safe and have him a little upset w/ you - rather than the alternative!

I wish more parents were as on top of their child's social life as you are!

[mcmama]

Yes, I check up on people. If my son is someplace and accepts a ride home, I insist that it not be a teenager, but an adult driver. And he has to call me and tell me who it is. If it is someone I know should NOT be driving him home, I tell him to wait, I'll be there.

I have on at least one occasion picked him up and seen kids "walking home" - in the opposite direction of where they live, but toward the area where drug traffic happens.

I have on at least one occasion picked one of my sons up from a party which was supervised by parents who everyone trusted and thought they knew to find that someone had smuggled in weed and beer, and while the good parents were supervising the official party inside the drug party was going on outside.

You really cannot be too careful, especially when it comes to transportation. My ex is the opposite. He just tells the kid to find a ride home and not stay out too late. I let my son know that no matter whose visitation time it is, he is my son ALL the time and these rules still apply. So sometimes I am the person who my son "finds" a ride with, while my ex is just snoring away, safe in the knowledge that he is a really cool guy not smothering our son with all that worrisome checking up.

The youngest will graduate this year, and go away to school. I'll be happy to finally rest as easy as my ex does.

[1stTimeMomOf2]

As a new mommy and someone who is not too much older than your son I understand both parties. As a teen I didn't always agree with my parents, I thought they were being too protective and I thought I could take care of myself and they didn't need to worry about me. But as a mom, I definitely see where you are coming from. I would agree with the other moms who have replied - you do have the right to request a phone call to confirm your son's ride home. It's not old fashioned or unreasonable, it's logical. You're going to be sitting at home waiting up on him because you were nice enough to let him go, its just courteous of the parent to call and let you know that he is on the way home. My mom still makes me call her to let her know that I made it home when I leave her house in bad weather or late at night, and I am 22!

[MissyChrissy]

With that attitude he wouldn't be going. Period.

[princessme618]

Thanks to all of you who replied.... Here's the update:
Since my son didn't give me any info re his ride home, while at his baseball game I took it upon myself to ask his best friend if he was going and then to please get his mother on the phone. She procedes to tell me that sure, she can bring him home, but she's only letting her son stay until 10:30, not 12, and my son would need to be ready to go then. I told her thank you and that would be fine ( as I chuckled to myself) I told my son about pick up time, and he started to protest, so I told him he could stay until 10:30 or get picked up just before 9. He, of course, picked 10:30. They actually got home around 11 ( the party was less than a mile from home so I assume she let them stay for a little bit past 10:30- that's fine) He came to say hello when he returned, and he actually thanked me for letting him go at all, and for the new dress shirt - he said he felt awesome. He had a great time. He said he appreciated me making arrangements so he could be at the party and enjoy the night out.
I must admit, I felt pretty "awesome" myself after that exchange!
Thanks again all!

[Swimkidsmom3]

Good for you!! I have a 16 year old daughter and always check to driving plans. When friends spend the night, I get their car keys , if they have driven. One of the girls actually thanked me, it gave her a way out if someone called to meet them. I have been known to take cell phones when I'm sure that the parents have our home number. Several parents have their children call when they arrive at the home on the home phone.
Sounds like your son was greatful. He got to go and the time he had to leave fell on you and the other parent. Way to go mom!