[kimchee67]

So, in examining our parenting over the last six months, I think we made a huge mistake. You know how one of the main components of Attachment Parenting is balance? I don't think we did that very well. I've just realized that our daughter runs our household! I'm curious what things other AP parents have done to maintain balance without sacrificing AP ideals. TIA!

[twinzplus3]

You know, this is a really good question to discuss from the AP parenting perspective. I think for us, we practiced all the main components of AP until we had twins (funny I'm actually going to blog on this really soon) and well, it is impossible to meet the needs of the twins 100% on their cues all the time and so you just adapt. . . As a result my definition of what AP really means changed quite a bit.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by your daughter running your house. . .but here are some thoughts for you. (You also might want to read my blog for a different perspective.)

It is so true that in the first few years even, it feels like the world revolves around your baby and in so many ways it does. I know I've said this before, but I really think you must be a phenomenal person to have pumped for so long for your baby and I really admire the way you've chosen to feed her on demand. Right now you are teaching her all about how you'll respond to her needs. There will come a day when she'll have to understand that her needs are not the only needs in the family that need to be met. But she is still young and there is time for that. (I also wrote this blog on baby discipline that might be helpful?)

From the perspective of having 5 kids and being completely out of the infant stage (the twins will be 2 in June), I'll say this. While exhausting at times, I"m so glad we parented our infants the way we did. Our "terrible two's" (that literally came in a set of 2-!) Understand that although we say no, they are loved and while they may 'want' something, we'll still always give them what they need. So in short, promoting the attachment bond in your infant, in my mind makes for a solid foundation with regards to discipline later on.

You will have to set boundaries and perhpas that time has already come. Sometimes you'll have to readjust your needs or find ways to make it work with dh bc she's not ready for the boundary yet. . .and in those times it feels like she's running the household.

Okay I'm going to stop for now. . .sorry to have written a book. Hope you find the blogs helpful.

[mollymae]

You haven't messed up at all!

I've said this loads of times before my first was my learning curve we very much followed his cues and it worked great when his was really really small but as he got older, heavier and more demanding. I got to a point where I realized that letting him run the show wasn't working, he was a baby he didn't know to go to sleep when he was tired. He didn't know how to go to sleep alone. He looked to me to get him to sleep but was fighting me every step of the way. I had to for his sake and for mine too set some boundaries.

For me, my ap concept is gentle guidance and flexibility I can't and wouldn't embrace all AP concept fully but we do use components of it. The kids eat when they are hungry we have bedtimes but these are based around individual children's needs. Libby doesn't have a bedtime yet she just come up to bed with us. Discipline is different for each child. Jack needs very firm boundaries, Molly, I only have to speak to and Luke comes to me and tells me if he's been naughty. Josh has very very slight discipline because in my eyes he doesn't understand why something is wrong yet, He's a very laid back child doesn't hit and shares wonderfully. Libby, she's a baby she has no routine at all other than knowing nighttime is for sleep.

What parts of AP do you think you are struggling with?

[pattiewrites]

I've felt this way too, especially with my first. But it does change as they get older. When they are babies, they do run the house. Life revolves around meeting their needs. As they get older, it does get easier. Gradually, they become more self sufficient and need less from Mommy. It's easier to achieve balance as they grow. Hang in there, it does get better.

[kimchee67]

Thanks for the input. We're just having a bit of a tough time because we have recently gotten a lot busier. My bf has been going to school full-time working on his BA, which he'll get in October. He's recently started working a couple of nights a week though, meaning he's more tired from working and I'm more tired from being with Scarlet. I've pretty much put off all of my own studying for my doula certification to meet the family needs. I've been babysitting for one of my kids from the preschool. It's just gone from one night a week to 2 days a week. Scarlet can come with me though. What's hard about that though is that sometimes she'll get into a mood where she just cries when she's at someone else's house. We'll usually just pick up and leave, but I can't do that if I'm babysitting someone else. I'm also getting ready to restart my Master's program in June, and I'm afraid of not being able to do my studying.

Feeding on demand is and always has been easier than any scheduled feeding, and so we are fine with that. I think we mainly have a hard time with her sleeping and with how much entertainment she needs throughout the day.

Scarlet usually goes down for the night at around 2:30am after and hour or two of crying and whining. She cries whether we try to put her to bed or if we let her stay up. This shows me that she is really tired, and that she needs to go to bed earlier. When we try to put her to bed earlier, she gets even more mad. The same pretty much goes on for naps. If I lay down with her, she screams. If I walk her around with me, she screams. If I put her down by herself, she screams. If I try to feed her during all of this, she's gets the most mad. She pretty much just screams until she's gets so exhausted that she conks out. I just can't imagine dealing with this and trying to get ready and study for school. During the day she wakes and sleeps as she pleases, which is starting to have a strain on me since I don't know what she'll be doing at any particular time. Lately, I've been thinking that we should do scheduled naps, just so that she learns to recognize her own sleepy cues. I'm picking up on them just fine, it's her that needs to now. It would also be nice to know that I have an hour or two to clean the house or read. Now, she may sleep for 20 minutes or it might be an hour and half. She might go back to sleep in an hour or maybe it'll be six hours from now. I guess, I just think that if she starts napping at the same time, she'll get tired at the same time. Then, I can kind of plan around when she'll be tired.

Also, my parents are over a lot helping. My dad lives 5 minutes away and is over almost every night. He comes over so that I can do some of the housework, since I don't have much time during the day. My mom usually comes over a couple of times a week. Scarlet loves having 3 or 4 people ooohing and awwwhing at her every move. My dad will usually stay until Patrick gets home from work which is about 12am, or sometimes later. So, she's used to having a group of people entertaining her until the wee hours of the night, and that's what she expects during the day. The difference is, I'm alone during the day. That puts major strain on me and what I'm able to do everyday. I know that I need to talk to my parents and let them know that we don't need that much help, but then again sometimes that the only time I get. Her demanding my time isn't really an issue, it's that she also dictates what we do during that time and where we do it. If there's a particular activity she doesn't want to do or a room she doesn't want to be in she'll scream bloody murder. So, for instance if she doesn't want to be in the kitchen, I just skip a meal or two.

I know that her basic needs are being met, and I don't have a problem with doing that on cue. It's trying to balance her wants with my needs. She wants to pet the cat (almost all day long, and I have to sit in between them since she pulls his hair out), and I need to go to the bathroom. I feel confident and comfortable with what I've done so far about her physical needs, it's the social emotional needs of her that are getting a little tough.

Sorry, I've gone on and on. I think I've just been really tired lately, and am ready to incorporate some of my own needs into our lives. Scarlet has been and always will be my main focus, but lately I've been feeling like I need to meet some of my own needs in order to maintain the health and sanity to be there for her.

[twinzplus3]

Nope--you haven't gone on and on. You've got a lot on your plate. For during the day have you tried a sling or a mai tei? That has been a life saver for me.

Scheduled naps and bedtimes are not a horrible idea. From infancy, we've always had a pretty rigid bed time routine: bath, nurse, story, lay down with parent. For the twins I also did a nap time routine bc if they weren't napping at the same time, lunch didn't get done!!!

It does pass though. It gets easier. This was a clingy stage for all of my babies.

[kimchee67]

I do wear her when she lets me. She hated it up until the past month, so it has gotten so much easier now that she'll go in the wrap. I got some information from someone who did sleep training. I don't think the sleep training is for us, but I did find some helpful information that I think might help us. One thing is a bedtime routine. I think that we are in desperate need of a sleepytime ritual. We had a discussion over dinner last night and decided on a routine to wind her down. Also, lots of times she'll wake up screaming, and I'll run and get her. I've noticed that she's screaming, but still sleeping and I have to wake her up to get to stop. I think next time I'm going to let her go for a minute to see if she'll stop and continue sleeping. I've noticed that we get her up a lot when she might still be tired. I think it will get better once our whole family gets used to getting up earlier.

[twinzplus3]

It's funny but I have to say (and I hope I don't offend anyone in saying so) that of the parents that I've met that are rigidly "AP"--no bedtime routines, no scheduled meal times or nap times, none of it. ..they only have one child or their children are spread very, very far apart. They have the time necessary to run around and let the baby run the show. People that I know that have a lot of kids or have them close together who also practice AP are much more 'balanced'--for lack of a better word. But you've really grasped that idea well I think. I'm with you--the sleep training was not for us, but the routine was HUGELY helpful I think. Also, do you think she could be having night terrors? One of my children had them from very early on. What we did was let her scream. Waking her up wasn't helpful and sometimes made it worse. But we'd come and watch her and if she was sleeping, we'd watch to make sure she wasn't hurt or didn't wake up. If she woke up, we'd pick her up of course. But more often than not--she cried--and then quieted into a deeper sleep. Once we figured out not to wake her--it was generally easier and the episodes were shorter.

[NikkiLDS]

Originally Posted by twinzplus3

the parents that I've met that are rigidly "AP"--no bedtime routines, no scheduled meal times or nap times, none of it. ..

you didn't offend, but I wanted to point out that I don't agree with this definition of "rigidly AP"... after all, Dr Sears, who coined the term "Attachment Parenting", has BALANCE as one of the 7 B's of AP.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130300.asp

Reading that, I thought of night terrors too... although it does seem young for night terrors to start. But if that's what it is, I agree that not waking her is better. Waking her will just disorient her even more (or so I've read...)

About the hour or two of crying before falling asleep - has it always been this way with her, or just recently? She's at the age to be going through another growth spurt, and I wonder if she's just uncomfortable & going through lots of changes?

Oh - and I definitely think you should not be skipping any meals just b/c she supposedly doesn't want to be in the kitchen!! Do you honestly think she doesn't want to be in the kitchen? Or is it perhaps that she doesn't want to be set down while you prepare something? Either way though... I love leftovers for lunch. We always make dinners that are too big so that lunch is easy for me during the day. Or you can just take some time when she IS happy in the kitchen to prepare some stuff that will be easy for you to throw together. It is definitely worse for both of you for you to be skipping meals. You need nourishment to keep healthy & balanced & be able to provide for her. Don't skimp on that!!

Good luck!

[twinzplus3]

--this is semantics Nikki. I wouldn't consider Dr. Sears "ridgidly AP" even though he coined the term! Although I could've worded my response better.

Let me better explain. Among the people who I've met who are AP there seems to be those who understand and embrace the idea of balance in reading cues. The idea of attachment seems to be one that embodies the whole family. However, there also seems to be a group or body out there who really embraces the "practicalities" of AP and takes some of the principles to the extreme. I used to think it was just a few select people but the more I talk about attachment parenting to MOMs (mothers of multiples) the more I realize that there is this sense somewhere that AP embodies a set of behaviors rather than a philosophy. To give you an example, the twins have spent more time in a stroller than any other of my infants. To me, this makes sense. I had a 2yo when they were born who wanted to be carried on occassion plus they were born full term so while I could double sling in the beginning (and I did), after a short period of time I just couldn't do it anymore--it was killing me. On the rare occassion when I double sling them now their weight would be equivalent to my 6 yo son--it's like carrying a kindergartner. Anyways, a woman that I know from the place my kids take classes asked me if I knew they made double slings. I do know that. She then, in a rather disgusted tone of voice, pointed out that slinging promotes attachment and it's sad that I've had so many children that I can't properly attach to each one. She did not have twins!

So rather than saying then saying that the parents I've met who are "rigidly AP" I should've said the parents who define AP as a set of behaviors rather than a particular way of looking at parenting'. Does that help?