[wheresthespark]

Ok, I never thought this would happen to me. I have been married for almost 2 years and I have practically no sex drive for my husband (let’s call him Dan). All I can think about is all the “passionate” times I’ve spent with other guys in my past. I am 30 and he is 37 and we are both very attractive. Here’s our history: We first met on a one night stand. He was sort of a player at the time cause he just got out of a bad relationship. Time went on and I completely got over that bag, dated few others here and there, played the same game with a few other guys. About a year and a half later, a particular situation brought Dan and I together..we were in the same band. We were both in semi-serious relationships with other people, and coincidentally we both ended our relationships at the same time. We really enjoyed each others company and had no hard feelings about anything. He started showing how he could be a great gentleman and good friend! One thing led to another and the most amazing thing happened...we made love. From then on out he confessed his love for me, and we got married several months later. I knew he was the one. I was attracted to him, obviously, but not like some guys in my past that I "couldn't have". We have a great relationship except I nag all the time. Bet he didn’t see that coming! He’s busy with school and work. And now...sex has just become a chore! In fact, neither of us want it! And it’s not like we don’t have enough spare time or privacy, we just don’t care anymore. But it doesn’t scare him like it does me. I’m 30, in my prime and I love passion, which is what we lack. I guess passion is only there if you know you’re doing something bad, or with someone that you know won’t be there tomorrow. Am I just jaded and ruined because of all my bad-relationships-with-good-sex and one night stands with others? Now that I know he’s gonna be here forever I can’t be attracted to him anymore? See, I used to be terribly attracted to him. I won him. Now what? And I know it could be that he doesn’t want to me intimate with a nagging wife either. But why am I fantasising about having affairs? Oh God, please help me.

-wheresthespark

[Tracey with 6]

you both sound sooo busy and I think that is a big part of your problem ,you need to take some time out for each other , a relationship takes time, I have 6 kids and my dh and I try and take time out for each other every day even if it's just the 10minutes when we wake up together befor any one climbs into bed with uis, you need time to feel sexy or even in the mood for sex, if this is a s good a relationship as you think, fight for it!

[MJ7]

Whoa, you got married before you even got to know each other. Many misinterpret infatuation for love. You can't experience years of change and adaption of a person's character in just a couple months to determine if they are a good mate (yeah, yeah, I know, some people can date for a few months and it just happens to work out...). Infatuation fades but real love continues on. It sounds like sex was viewed as pretty casual in your past. If you have divied out peices of yourself to many people, yes, likely it will seem the norm for you to want to move on. If sex to you was always in combination with infatuation, then I can imagine you might have a distortment of what sex is and why now that the "honeymoon" is over, you're desireing that "newness" feeling again.

You made vows to your dh whether you really got an opportunity to know him or not and I recommend you and he take Tracy's advice and take some time for eachother. You need to rekindle your flame with each other. Having an affair is not an option--don't let it be. Things can work out beautifully. Marriage is 100%/100% not 50/50.

Take care

[SnapshotJML]

Why does passion mean having sex? What about Martin Luther King? He was passionate about equality. Mother Theresa was passionate about helping others. Jesus was passionate about teaching the truth. Heck, Tiger Woods is passionate about golf. Find something you both enjoy and do it together. Sounds to me like you need a common ground, something you can be 'passionate' about together before you're 'passionate' with each other.

[Huyana]

Passion is something that will come and go forever. Just because it is currently on the shelf doesn't mean it will stay there. Playing the field is a serious adrenaline rush. Especially when you include one night stands etc. Don't confuse adrenaline with passion. Passion (according to my dictionary... lol) is purely for someone you love. But you have to stop believing that what you had for all those other people was passion. Or even what you had with him on your one night stand. As soon as you think about how much you love him and decide to give it a go try this. Let go of any thoughts, which being female is hard. lol Don't think, just act. Seriously, stop thinking. Act purely on what your heart feels and your body wants with someone you have commited to. It is an adrenaline rush like no other. Don't expect to get a rush every time either. Expect to spend the rest of your life with the right guy.
You aren't alone. I will always miss the GAME of being single. But the grass is always greener on the other side. I also remember how much is sucked.
Hope it helped. Good luck!

[shazbo]

i have been with my partner for 15 years i am 36 he is 42 and i dont feel attracted to him and when we do make love very rarely i can live with out it . i some times think of exs or some one famous . i would never stray . but i often dream of having mad passinate love with different people but would never put it in patiece and i recken alot of men do the same think of other people even if they would not admitt it

[wheresthespark]

You are all so right, and I'm lucky I have a husband who doesn't freak out when I tell him stuff, unlike me. He's so calm and collected. I talked to him about it, and just by doing that, things are better. Huyana, you're so right about all the stuff you said, I was hoping that the reason why I feel this way is because I had such a permiscous past and alot of adrenaline rushes!! But that "not thinking" part was brilliant, it is amazing. And I do that sometimes and catch myself feeling elated. It's pretty cool. And it's true, when I was single it was maybe 80% horrible times and 20% great times. Not so fun. I just decide to remember the great times for my own sanity.

[oweirdo]

Love changes throught out a relationship for most people, that "puppy love" grows up. It feels sometimes like your not in love, when you are its just changed, grown up, matured. You do have to keep working at it, even fairytail love takes work. Just keep talking, find common ground, take time out for you and him. as long as you are willing to work at it chances are you will find the passion and spark coming back

[PamalaLauren]

I've been married 3 years and I'm not that much into sex. But I never really was in the first place. I just don't see the importance of it. And ever since I had Kaylee it's been really bad. First I'm tired and second her birth messed things up down there. But after her it was like I was done. I guess I've seen sex as a purely reproduction thing or perhaps I'm so scared of getting pregnant again I don't want to do it.

I think if you and your husband are okay with little to no sex then I wouldn't worry about it. My husband is trying to make it fun for me but I told him it might take a bit for me to return to normal.

[yahyah]

Okay, WOW. Been married 1 year and experiencing the same, no or very little sex. But I am wondering if anybody else experiences this.... My H is very affectionate, but shortly after being married his affection changed, from manly affection to baby talk.... ?
Tried to have this conversation last night and found I hit a big wall. He got really upset and kept announcing "how he was". "This is how I am, I don't need much sex" "It is a very low priority to me than most..."
Well, I am the opposite.
When we were dating, he was oll over me, (he also has withdrawn from many activities we used to enjoy) so I feel a little duped......