[kamt1]

hi, what if you have tried everything to get a family member sober and nothing has worked. i know 'they have to want to change' well... thats not working so well. what. i know its a stupid thing to say but how do you make someone change? i feel that he will be like this forever and that it will probably be the cause of his death one way or another. do i just sit back and watch him? if i do and he doesnt change i will spend the rest of my life wishing i had done more. please please please advice for a daughter (only child), i have pondered this question for 17 years now.....

[babydawn]

Originally Posted by kamt1

hi, what if you have tried everything to get a family member sober and nothing has worked. i know 'they have to want to change' well... thats not working so well. what. i know its a stupid thing to say but how do you make someone change? i feel that he will be like this forever and that it will probably be the cause of his death one way or another. do i just sit back and watch him? if i do and he doesnt change i will spend the rest of my life wishing i had done more. please please please advice for a daughter (only child), i have pondered this question for 17 years now.....

I know how desperate you feel. My brother has been an addict for many years. It has been such a difficult roller coaster ride. My family has tried everything as well, including spending very large amounts of money to send him to the "best" rehabs. Even through being in and out of jail and prison, my brothers addiciton still has control over him. I know you hate to hear this, but there is only so much you can do, and once that is done, you have to just leave it alone and let things go the way they go. You can still intervene when you feel it is necessary, but ultimately, he is responsible for his choices, not you. I am not saying give up, but you can not change this person. This person (is it your father??) has to make that decision himself. Unfortuately, addiction affects many more than just the addicted person. Keep in touch.

[MissyChrissy]

(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry. He DOES have to be the one to want to change, and to make the change. Judging from your post, you already know you cannot change him. I'm sorry to say, but yes, the only thing you can do is to let him go and do his own thing. Stop helping him. Don't bale him out, make excuses, loan him money, cook for him or even do his laundry. Do not do one thing for him. Once they hit rock bottom, that's when they find the motivation to pick themselves up and fix their life. It's a big IF, but that's the only thing you can actively do to try to motivate him...pull out of his life altogether & let him go it alone. It would help if EVERYONE (sober friends/relatives) did that as well.

Do you ever watch intervention? The addict is told, "go to rehab, we're not here for you any more." and it's the entire family that does it...the reason is because that's what works the most often. It's still only 20-35 percent of the time, but helping him out won't ever help him sober up.

(((HUGS))) go for counseling. You need to get help for yourself so you don't end up in a codependent relationship yourself. Seriously. It's an ugly cycle you're in...you need to take steps to end it.

[mcmama]

On another thread, the OP mentions that the addict is her dad.

[tracka]

Addicts have trouble seeing past their addiction. Its not that dont care they have a disease. Unfortunately its a disease that is very difficult to overcome. Saying the want to change and actually doing so are very different things. Most people who have a substance abuse/misuse problem have underlying issues they have not dealt with. To really help these must be addressed.Councelling helps, but the person has to be ready to admit to not only their physical addiction but also to what is propelling them in to self destructive behaviours in the first place.
Good luck to you both, its a long hard road ahead.

[For little Elza]

Addiction is hardest on the ones the addict loves and is loved by. God Bless.