[grandmotherfromhell]

hi everyone
i am new to the board and found it as a result of googling for help after having another devasting event with my 82 year old mother.....this one is taking a different twist though as it invloves my 9 year old daughter.....i am 46 and raising my girl on my own......please let me know what you think.....
last summer my daugher went to visit my mother on the other side of the cournty. they had a wonderful time and my daughter loves my mother.....my mother parades her around like a trophy and shows her off to all her friends....
this year we talked about my daughter going to visit her again....i was crystal clear with my mother that if she didn't intend on buying both of our tickets my daughter would not be able to come......
i took my daughter on a huge vacation this past christmas and could not afford to pay for more airline tickets this year......my mother agreed we would work something out......my daughter is too young to fly alone so that is why she would need to faciliatate me coming along.....the last thing i want to do is spend any time with this woman.......i was willing to go along with it for the sake of my daugher who as i said loves her grandmother.....
they had big plans to bake shortbreads together.....a very big deal in the eyes of a little girl.......
this past weekend i called to begin the process of setting dates and confirming how things would look only to learn my mother has now changed her stupid self centered mind! she is not willing to pay for my portion of the travel which means my daughter can not go.....she is too young to fly alone......i was so angry with her.....i told her my daughter would be devasted......she quirped back "things happen and life is full of disappointments".....i was/am furious....
this is the only grandparent my daughter has......she and i are both only children.....
so.....the converstaion ended poorly as you can imagine.....
i calmed down and explained to my daughter that the trip was not going to happen....she was devasted and cried her eyes out.....she is convinced her grandmother does not love her....it was awful....i tried to depersonalize it the best i could.....it's hard......
i told my friend what had happened.....this friend is also the godmother to my daughter....she offered to cover my airline costs with her airmiles.....imagine!!! i have chosen my friends a heck of a lot better than i chose my mother......anyway i gave it some thought and decided it was a great idea......
i phone my mother to tell her what happened and to get her credit card number so that i can make the reservations for my daughter and i.......
now she is refusing to even pay for my daughter which makes me know that this entire escapade was nothing but a joke to her.....she has crushed my little girls heart and mine....once again......
i hung up on her and was again furious!
then i came across this site and my life's experience with this person all began to make sense.....
here is a couple of more insights into who she is....
13 years ago my dad passed away....he was in a coma for 8 days in intensive care before he passed......she spent all of fifteen minutes on day one at his bedside.....the remaining days i cared for my father while she sat and fretted in the waiting room about how could he do this to her.....it was a nightmare.....i am an only child......my dad was the only thing that made sense in my family.......
when i was in my mid twenties i had surgery on my knee and developed blood clots in my lower calf post op......it was life threatening and i was admitted to hospital via emergency and placed on bed rest for 10 days.....not once did she come and visit me becasue she was angry and disappointed i did not get her a mother's day card....it is hard to shop when you are on bedrest and hooked up to iv's.....my dad came everyday.......
my entire life the line i have always been fed from everyone in the family is "you know your mother".......this has been ringing in my ears alot lately.......yes i think i finally do know her....
now what do i do.......
i wish she would hurry up and die......she is so afraid of life and so afraid of death she is immobilized with fear..stuck in her misery......at this moment i loath her for all she has done to me and more importantly what she has now done to my daugher....
i am anrgy with myself as well.....i should have know better than to let her take my innocent child down that path.....my daugher was sooooooo excited.....and now sooooooo heartbroken.......so am i......
please offer help and feedback......i really need the support right now......
thank you so much for reading my story......
lise

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board, Lise!

Apparently your mother has always been this way,
but being age 82, is even more so.

Being long distance away from you, it is difficult
to determine if she is in good health
or having some dementia creeping in.

It is one thing for an adult to disappoint you,
but it becomes entirely different when it
comes to your child.
Each of we moms become the Mama Bear
when it comes to our young ones.

It was really sweet of your friend to offer you
the miles to cover your ticket. What a dear friend!

Maybe grandma could come visit you.

Or just put the plans on hold for now.
That sounds like the best idea.

Let us know what you decide.

(((Hugs)))

[grandmotherfromhell]

Thanks for your warm reply. Yes I am lucky to have such a good friend. In particular I was looking for feedback around the issue of Narcassistic Personality type??? Am I on the right board for that?? Sorry perhaps in my haste to post I have posted in the wrong place???
The visit will not happen this year for sure. She will not travel here. Who knows how much longer she will be around? We will come to terms with this over time.
For now I am choosing to no longer have any contact with her.....it is just too painful.
Thanks again for replying. I hope more people do especially if they have experience with Narcassistic mothers....
This is all new for me. It does feel somehow easier to take knowing that she has a clinical disorder which explains her heartless behavior.
Sigh...
Lise

[browneyes01]

Are you sure you daughter is too young tp fly by herself I believe if you pay an extra amount on the ticket they get someone designate to fly with them so she can fly without you I think maybe you should enquire about this.

[grandmotherfromhell]

yes.......the airlines in canada do not allow unaccompanied minors unless the child is at least 8 years old and it is a non stop flight......my daughter wuold have to take at least three planes and be travelling for about 10 hours......too much.....going alone is not an option.......

[Samual]

Who paid for the flights last time? If it was your mother, how can you expect her to pay twice, shes a pensioner!

[mcmama]

Sam how do you know her mom's a pensioner? She might be wealthy.

However, it's a lot to expect an elderly person to pay for both flights. I've paid for my kids expenses to come and see me, (they're grown) but I really expect to see some contribution from them as well for the travel. Could be that is what your mom is looking for from you, some initiative in that direction instead of leaning on her financially to make it happen.

I visit my own adult children very seldom. They never visit me. They intend to for Christmas, but we will see what happens - and stuff does legitimately happen. I don't go because of the expense, and also where they live holds a lot of bad memories and experiences for me, and i no longer feel as though I can handle the strain of traveling there physically. I sometimes feel like I am the only one to compromise, make the effort - or fork over the money that I don't have.

Perhaps that is your mom's perception?

[grandmotherfromhell]

money is not a concern for her......she is very comfortable.......i offered to pay her back for my portion of the ticket over time.....no go.......
the point of this is my daughter's broken heart and that she offered and then refused to follow through.....one of many many many times this has happened......

[Samual]

Pensioner means too old to work.

[grandmotherfromhell]

samual......not relevant......she has not worked (outside of the home) since the mid 1950's