[troubled_houston]

I am contemplating divorce (again) and just need more people's opinion on things. We have been married what is going on 15 years and have 2 children under 12. We dated for several years before marrying and quite honestly, it just seemed like the thing to do after being together so long. It seemed to be what was expected and that is what I needed to do.

She is a good person, let me get that out right away. She is an excellent professional and excels in her field (to a fault) and is a good mom. She is however, not a good wife to me. No, I do not mean that she doesnt clean up after me or cook my meals or do my laundry. I am a neat freak and leave no "trails" around the house and I do my own laundry. It's that I do not feel as though she loves me, she pays me no attention and I get no level of affection from her be it a simple touch or sex. Only when we have a period where we are disconnected from one another do I ever get any sort of affection; but that generally feels like I am kissing my sister.

I had filed for divorce last year, but we decided to try to work things out. 10 months later I feel like we are right back where we were. We went through counselling last summer, but I do not think it did any good. My needs and wants were expressed as were hers. In the early stages things seemed to improve a bit, but not anywhere near what I had hoped and over time it all disintegrated once again. I have not gained any feelings back for her other than that she is the mother of my children. I look at her and see a woman in my house who lives here with me and helps take care of my kids. Nothing more.

There is no attraction and no love. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. Granted, that is by choice, but without feeling any love from her I do not think that sharing or not sharing a bed is of any consequence. She could just as easily ask why I don't or better still, invite me there with her. She seems indifferent to it all. It has gotten to the point where as I look back in time it is extremely difficult for me to pinpoint happy moments that really stand out in my mind.

I am no longer attracted to her and I ultimately feel no love for her. At this point I am truly staying only for my children. I have no interest here other than them and I feel that if I continue to live like this it will affect them at least as much as a divorce. They never see any affection or love between my wife and I...ever. There is no playful banter, no innocent hand holding, no touch of the leg, nothing. Just day in, day out life together taking care of a homestead and kids.

This has become a cold relationship and yes, I know I have responsibility in that as well, but it is hard to maintain feelings for someone that either seems constantly disinterested or has flat out denied those simple affections to you. Or worse, has seemingly participated out of some duty as opposed to actually having any desire at all.

Any input would be appreciated...I love my kids and want what's best for them, but I am torn with the idea that living in a house without love may be as bad or worse for them as living through a divorce.

[Chipwag64]

Houston,
What did you take from the counseling you received, and are you both equally working on those things?
Do you each make a point to save some time after work and chores and parenting for each other, even if it's just to talk?
So many times when there is lack of affection, it's due to lack of communication or committment, maybe a depression or just tiredness or fatigue?
It's hard to give advice when there are always two sides to every situation, lack of specific details, the inability to personally know each party involved and their desire towards working this out etc.
Obviously, as long as you are both committed to working it out at any cost, you need to keep encouraging each other through gentle talks and showing through your priorities how important the other spouse is.
These problems are common, especially in this busy world; and love expresses itself when your spouse is valued and appreciated through words, touch, gifts, deeds done without prompts, sacrificing your most cherished time or activities for her sake etc.
Just keep doing these things even if you are not receiving back and every now and then make it a priority to sit down and get her input about your relationship; ask her if she feels loved FIRST and what she would have you do more or less of, THEN tell her how YOU feel and what you would like to see more or less of in her.
I believe that the worst things you could do is to get loud, aggressive, demanding, focusing only on her short-comings, withdrawing in silence, sarcasm and worst of all even mentioning a divorce.
Women need to know their husbands inside and out, what they are thinking, what they like, their opinions, even someone just to talk to.
Men tend to be closed books, only offering these things if forced to, or nagged several times during the big game....
So, give her time, space, love and...all that you have...see what happens!!!
After I reply to people in this forum I always make a point to pray for their marriages, let it be known that your marriage will be prayed for!

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Every marriage goes through the hills (good times) and valleys (not so good times).
And there are several different stages in a marriage.
It all can't be like when there were just the two of you on your honeymoon forever.
You've added children and the dynamics of a marriage change.
That's life.

Sounds like you need to return to counseling together.

Maybe a little romance on your part would certainly help.

* * *

Start a weekly date night with just the two of you.

You arrange for the babysitter and ask her where she would like to eat out.

You make the reservations for the dinner. (We are not talking McDonald's here, but a nice
sit down restaurant.)

Do the normal hygiene stuff (shower, shave, shampoo, brush your teeth & gargle,
clean clothing, deodorant, good aftershave, nice outfit, no hat, you might even wear a tie.) You probably think I am going overboard explaining the details,
but for somebody else, this will be an eye opening surprise.

Open doors for her.

Compliment her sincerely. Like:
Tell her how pretty she looks. That her hair is lovely. Her perfume smells so delicious.
Tell her that her shoes are exceptionally nice.

Choose one dessert together and get 2 spoons. Romance, remember?

* * *
Every evening, after supper, ask how you can help her relax.

Offer to put the dishes in the dishwasher, or if she'll handwash them, you'll dry and put them away. (Something you can do together!)

Take a walk together after supper. The kids can go too.
Hold hands. Romance is the idea.


* * *

Have you ever dreaded going to a social event, a family reunion, etc?
You grit your teeth, put a smile on your face, and just go.
Once you are there, you discover you are having a good time
and truly enjoy yourself.

That's what you need to do sometimes in marriage.
Especially when the going gets tough.

Do the right thing.....
Stay together....
Work hard on being an exceptionally good husband....
Bring some romance into the marriage again like when you were dating.....
View your wife, in your mind, as lovely as the first time you met her......
Be kind.....
Never, ever be brutally honest in a marriage.

Kiss her with a hug, every morning and every evening for a full 30 seconds, on the mouth, with a hug, and no interruptions. Romance.

Please try this for a month or six weeks. You'll surprise yourself how things can change.

Write back and tell us your progress.

[mcmama]

What happens when you try to initiate small intimacies - a kiss, hand holding, etc. Does she respond, or is it like fondling a dead fish?

Is there someone else in her life?

Seems to me you have to get to the root cause of the lack of intimacy and lack of responsiveness. Otherwise it just goes round and round.