[sosotired]

I am so overwhelmed I dont know what to do. I have suffered from depression since i was a child, and havent realized mentally ill both my parents are until just recently. I am 26 now and need to break away from the intense control i let both of my parents have over me, especially emotional control. Unless you have time to read war and peace i will just give you the edited version of our last issue.
Things you may need to know to understand me alittle... Well i have a low self-esteem, i have never thought i was allowed to believe in myself with out being totally selfish (i was made to believe that is how i am, but my friends and other family tell me this is not the real truth) I try to make everyone around me happy and i would tell lies (little white ones if that even matters) so that i will not be judged, humilliated or abandoned by the people around me( this is a huge issue for me) so i have been changing these negative behaviours to be more positive, honest and mature.
Did i mention i have the greatest husband and daughter in the world?? Well I do, around them i feel like i can do anything even if it is standing up to my mother. My husband tells me to try to let these things go, or i let her win by getting so upset and letting whatever issue it is effect my whole life. But I dont know how to let go without trying to make everyone around me happy.
Well my daughters Baptism was last Sunday, and it was the first time in my life where i felt great, i was able to arrange and organize her whole baptism on my own and i actually did a great job (which if you knew me all of this is so hard for me to say) Well my mom always has to be negative and make everything an issue or really really hard to handle and that is what she did at my daughters baptism.
Katerina (my daughter) is 17 months old, so we expected that she would cry/scream when she had to go naked and be dipped in the water for her baptism... Well she did and when it was over she was fine. The day was going beautifully, like i said i felt great and for the first time in my life i felt in control of my own life and how i wanted to live it. So off we went for the reception afterwards to celebrate this wonderful occassion with our families. Well guess who didnt show up, no phone call, no little conversation after the actual baptism to let me know she wouldnt be coming. My mother... So instead of totally enjoying the lunch and being relaxed i called my mother 100 times to make sure she was okay, with no response. 60 people waited for her to show up for lunch, until everything was getting cold and I told everyone to just start to eat and not to worry. ( should have listened to my own advise)
That evening i finally talked to her, she said we were torturing my daughter with that baptism and that she couldnt handle it, since it made her so upset that we would do such a thing to her. My husband and I are Greek Orthadox... nothing really strange or mean about any part of it at all.
I confronted her about how it was not okay how she handled the situation and i felt she was acting very immature and when i voiced my opinion she HUNG UP. So it has been almost a week and she wont talk to me... somehow this is becoming my fault. She said to my sister that she wont talk to me until she calms down so she doesnt say something she regrets. All i did was confront her for the first time in my life and i wasnt rude or hurtful. My husband was sitting right beside me when i was talking to her, so it isnt just my opinion on this.
It seems like anytime i am lifting the depression i am in or doing well for myself she has to make an issue to be upset about it. I am so tired of this and i dont know how to handle this, make her happy and still have some self respect. I am not going to say sorry this time for something that i did not do. Will it always hurt this much to stand up for myself and my family? I dont know how to have a relationship with my mother, it feels like i have to tiptoe around so that she will not be enraged or upset. How do you deal with a person like this? How do i take my power back and be mature and sensitive all at the same time?
I am sick of being sorry that i am alive and that i have my own ideals and thought... why cant things be easier??? Am i totally losing my mind or do i not have the right to say how i feel?

Hurting a lot inside
Diana T.

[vanaden]

I understand you. I can truly say that without a shred of doubt. My mother is ALOT like what you have described. Very selfish and self absorbed. She cannot see past her life into anyone else's pain or problems. She is the only one that exsists in her world.
All I can tell you is pull back for your own sanity. I have stopped being around my mother as much and if she does something/says something messed up, I stand up for myself, which has made her withdraw as well. I have tried hard to make things good between us and she wants to live a dramafied life. I will not do it! I will not let satan work in my family and i have to protect my kids from it. She has hurt me enough and it's time to say you're not doing it anymore.

Do it for your daughter and for your marriage. I'm sure your husband is not happy that you are unhappy, if he's anything like mine. Mine has said "screw your mom, she's nuts."

[mcmama]

Her behavior over the baptism is SO ridiculous. Is she Greek Orthodox too, or did she leave the church, or is this all new to her?

Here is a video of a traditional Greek infant baptism. Only I think the baby is supposed to be dipped three times. Babies cry when they are sprinkled too. So this does not seem cruel - unless your mom's experience is with someone who really dunked the baby three times. There are several other videos on Youtube at that link - and you see the babies cry, but they are dried off and loved immediately.

But why did you call her and call her? You know, if one of my parents hurt me like that, I would have cut them off. You know what your daughter needs, and perhaps you would like your mom to be the kind of mother to you that you are to your daughter. But you cannot change her.

Of course it is upsetting that she won't talk to you, especially having willfully missed this happy occasion to welcome your daughter into the Christian community - and in Greek Orthodox tradition, infant baptism isn't just a symbolic act for the baby, it is seen as a transformation, washing away original sin. So it is very joyous, and your mom missed it on purpose. She has a pretty sour view of it.

But....YOU live YOUR LIFE. Maybe that is what is irritating her the most. YOU are not your mom. And you don't have to explain yourself. If your mother separates from your happy, loving, normal family, that is her illness, and you are likely better off without it. Don't chase her, live your life, and set limits where her behavior is concerned.

You want your mother, but you cannot have her as a sane supportive person. You are a child of God. I hope your daughter's baptism is a chance for you to rejoice in that for yourself. Don't let anyone take that away from you.

[MissyChrissy]

You're on the right track. Realize you cannot make anyone else happy except yourself, live a life of integrety and follow your own moral code. That's all you can do.

Good luck...I know it isn't easy.

[Adara]

Don't even try to make her happy anymore. She will never admit if she was. She wants you to suffer for her weakness. Don't let her win. Stop calling her and things, it's up to her to make up her mind. Cut her out of your life if need be. She's not good at being a mom anyway. I have tried to make my mother happy for like over 30 years with no success. Now that I don't let her have any more power I feel free, am happy with MY choices, can see clearly that she only tried to manipulate me for her case, so don't let her do that to you. You seem to be a wonderful person. You don't deserve this.

[whoababe]

I too have a narcassistic mother and I have tried to deal with the hurt and pain she has caused for 50 years. She still wounds me with her words. As a child, I was "kicked out" of the house with my bag packed if I somehow upset her. I was very young - 8 or so. Now, I wish I had left home; but instead I sat in the porch till her boyfriend came and let me in. My father died when I was 2 months old; I figured he was the lucky one.
I had noone to protect or stand up for me; nothing I did/do was ever right, she was never wrong; all my opinions were wrong; everything I do is wrong, etc.
It screws my head up; and I have cried for years over this. She moved near me 2 years ago; and now things are worse. She is constantly manipulating me. If I don't call her, she gets furious and rakes me over the coals with her abuse.
I don't want to see her or speak to her; but she is the only member of my family. I do have a great husband and daughter; but still resent the lovelessness of my mom. She is arrogant, nasty, lies, and treats me like a piece of trash.
How do I handle this rudeness? She recently told me she shouldn't bother saving her money since when she died, it would be "thrown away". (by me). I told her I had to go and have not heard from her since then. I really don't care to. She has had me walking on eggs since I was old enuff to remember.
How do I handle the pain and rejection? Thanks,