[torn]

I have been seeing "Mark" for almost two years. We both have two kids each... the youngest of them is 21. Now I understand that our kids are most important in our lives, but I'm trying to figure out where I fit in here? I feel that I should be a very close second to his kids, if not tied for first. But I'm not getting that feeling anymore. Here's an example of the stuff he does... he didn't know what to give me for Christmas so January 9 he gave me $150 to go shopping for new clothes (they were desperately needed and he knew that). The next day when his son was getting ready to leave back to college he asked me for the money back and gave it to his son. He said he'd write me a check instead but I have yet to see it. My first question is... is it just me or was this a crappy thing to do (especially in front of his son)? and two... when you're kids are grown, is it wrong to want to be first in his life? How do I approach him with my feelings without him telling me I'm being a big baby?

[Labhaoise]

wow thats got to be tough! I think maybe you could say that you don't like that telling him your feelings makes you seem like a big baby (for the record I dont think you do), but its something that you want cleared up. You want to be able to spend time with him without fearing that any second he's gonna "rescue" one of his kids. It's hard because he was and is their father before he was your bf. I don't know if that's helpful at all, and I don't know if it makes much sense either.

Goodluck with it all!

[jessicaluvsfamily]

But I can't help but answer. My parents divorced when I was seventeen. My brother was sixteen. My mom is in a serious relationship. They have been together 5 years. My dad has dated off and on. From a couple months to a year in length. I don't believe there will ever come a time when either of my parents will put my brother or I as second to their significant other. When you have children, no matter how old they are, they will always be your children. Your love for them is not stronger or weaker depending on how old they are. Furthermore, I don't believe it is possible to 'rank' the people you love in your life.
You may have been dating this man for a few years, but not only have this man's children been in his life for their entire lives, they are also part of him and he is part of them. While there is nothing remotely wrong with wanting to be a priority in your significant other's life, I think you might want to think a little bit about expecting to be a higher priority to a person than their children. You know, I mean, it's nature to love your child and always give them the best and everything you can.

That said, I think a cash gift isn't very thoughtful and to ask for it back, in front of someone no less, is even more unthoughtful. I think you have a right to be hurt about that incident.