[riad]

To give some history...my wife passed away 8 yrs ago, 2 kids were ages 7 and 4, now 15 and 12. Re-married 6 yrs ago and had another child, now 3 yrs old. Love my family like crazy. My wife is having a lot of trouble with my 15 year old. The main problem is that she is constantly on her about how messy her room is, how she doesn't take care of anything etc. I do support my wife on this 90% of the time but the rest of the time she is just very hard on her. I realize that their characters conflict and has gotten worse to the extent that my wife has become physical with her a couple of times within the last couple of weeks. When it happened yesterday, my wife was on her about sorting out some of the garbage that she collected from her room...my daughter tried to just ignore her (like most teenagers usually do) and she got mad and tried to turn her head. Of course there was resistance and I had to separate them. And, my other 2 children were crying etc. .... My daughter took off to a friends and stayed over night. I had a (what started to be) a calm talk to my wife explaining to her that I didn't want her to ever get physical like that again and that she needs to change her tactics with our 15 yr old.
It's not just with my 15 yr old's room but the whole house. She wants everything perfect...everything in it's place and it's very difficult all the time. I explained that just because something is out of place etc., that it's not worth losing control over. We have to find other ways to deal with this. I try to understand her point of view all the time. She takes it personal, even with me. The other day, put a tupperware dish in the wrong place and she told me that it was ignorant!!...and rude to do that. I said sorry and that I didn't do it to make her mad, I must have just been in a hurry. It's so hard because I love a clean house too but not enough to always be stressed about it. She brought up things like my kids don't call her anything...they don't call her Mom and don't call her by her name either. A couple of years ago, we really tried to get them to call her "mom" to the extent we would "make" them do it....but they still didn't stay with it....now they don't call her anything. My wife really wanted this so I tried as hard as I could even though I tried to talk her out of it. I think they have some resentment.
Things are just so good when they're good and so bad when they're bad. I'm backed into the corner right now and don't know what to do. I want to fix this as I love her so much. My kids also love her but I think she has some issues to deal with and she doesn't agree with that.
Anybody, please give me some advice. Thanks.

[grt8day]

Riad, I am glad to hear that you are protecting your daughter... most importantly. You are right that no argument is worth getting physical about. Period.
You need to make that clear and continue enforcing that in your home. It almost seems as though your children do not respect your wife. Do you think that is it? It is a bit odd that your children don't call her by her first name, or step mom, or mom.
As far as being a perfectionist, it sounds like she may be a bit overboard. Controlling? Obsessive?
Honestly, being a parent you really need to be a bit realistic in expectations. If your daughter's room really bothers her, maybe you can agree to have your daughter keep her bedroom door shut, and your daughter in return, can agree to help keep the rest of the house neat.
Have you tried talking calmly about it with your wife, maybe out to dinner... just the two of you. Then, perhaps, have a family meeting about some rules and respect that needs to be enforced at home?
Hope anything I offered can help.
Wishing you & your family all the best through this challenging time.

[Labhaoise]

Hello and welcome!
Getting physical with anyone over a mess or being untidy is not right at all. And the fact that your daughter is only 15 makes it even more wrong. I think you should sit down with your wife and talk through these issues and how you feel about this "obsession" with cleanliness. explain how it is making you and your children feel and if that doesnt work, maybe stop putting things away all together, then when she blows up about it simply say, "well we didnt want to put it in the wrong place for you, so we thought you would like to put it in the right place"
Hope that helps a bit.

[Samual]

Your wife needs to discover the option of closing the bedroom door, if your daughter wants to live in a smelly tip, then she will do until she gets sick of it.

[mollymae]

I agree! Sounds like you wife hates not have full control. At 15 your daughter can decide for herself if she'd like to sleep in pigsty or not. It's her room and as such it's her choice. Close the bedroom door ignore it.

With the rest of the house I do understand how frustrating it for your wife but she has to let go a bit and remember that a home is meant to be for living in and doesn't have to look like a show house.

[pattiewrites]

I agree and your daughter is at a developmental stage that will make the control issues even more of a power struggle. The teen years are a time where the person gradually begins to take more control over her own life from her parents. By the end, she will be a fully functioning adult capable of making her own decisions, or at least that should be the goal. When kids are under tight control, they will rebel against it, setting off power struggles that can make everyone miserable. Your wife and your daughter need to find a way to compromise. Family counseling may help in setting boundaries, finding common ground and facilitate communication. This won't be your last teenager, so your wife will have to go through it again and counseling can give her the tools to handle the other kids when they hit this age.

As for your daughter and what she calls your wife, talk to her. She may feel unsure, so calls her nothing. Obviously she doesn't want to call your wife "mom" and this is understandable. She misses her own mother and may feel guilt over calling another woman mom or just want to reserve that for her memories of her much loved mommy. She may not be comfortable calling her by name and need some advice or reassurance from you. Maybe take your daughter to lunch just the two of you and have a talk. Do the same with your wife. Good luck!

[vanaden]

I think your wife is asking a lot of your children to call her "mom". Even if it has been 8 years, noone will ever take the place of their mother. Noone has the right to demand that.
I believe children must have chores and responsibilities tailored to their ages and should be rewarded, not physically but emotionally for the good things they do. Tell them how great they are for the good things they do do in the household.
If you don't stand up for your daughter, she will resent you and it will become your fault. In a teenage mind, the blame usually falls on someone else for how they are being made to feel. I'm not saying give her all the control and join sides against your wife, but if your daughter is being mistreated, she will feel you are letting it happen.

[mcmama]

You can't make your children call her mom. That has to be a choice. I have a friend who called her step mom "mom" and her younger brother did too. But her older brother called the step mom by the first name. It's really a question of development.

I have a young friend who has been told to introduce her step mom as "mom" - and she won't. That's not really mom, although she recognizes the step moms authority. After years of family rifts over this, the family got counseling and now they respect her perspective - and the relationship is much smoother.

Your wife needs to respect your daughter's wishes as well. Sounds like the whole lot of you need counseling for step families.

[purelegance]

your wife reminds me of my dad's wife. i never called her stepmother because she was no mother to me -- a mom is nurturing and loving. she caused me 4.5years of therapy.

your wife seems very hateful and really needs to relax. it is never okay to be physical with your daughter. even just once. and about trash or a dish? seriously? is that the most important thing going on in this world right now? i would hate to think what your wife may do if your daughter came home with a "D" on her report card! forcing the children to call her "mom" is the complete opposite thing you could do. it would seem like you're trying to replace their actual mother with this woman who does not seem very nice and freaks out if a piece of tupperware is in the wrong place. it sounds to me she has control issues that need to be dealt with.

i'm a bit biased, but i would sooner divorce (something i really don't believe in) and live alone before i ever let somebody treat my children this way. Only because i know what it's like to live with it and effects of it afterwards.

[riad]

Thanks to everyone for the replies and words of advice. It's definately nice to talk to someone.
To add to the whole story, I came home yesterday after work and the house was "trashed"!! By this I mean drawers, cupboards, etc. were all open with things hanging out of them. All organizational shelves etc. were taken out and put on the floors, kids toys dumped out in the middle of the floor, the utensils in the drawers were just dumped inside on a pile, and pictures hanging on the walls were either all crooked or laying down on a shelf, etc, etc, etc. Wow! She had told me before I got home that she disorganized some things, took out some baskets etc......but I was in shock at the mess. She said that she didn't do any of it in rage, that she felt better, and yes....less stressed to not worry about having things disorganized in the house. Of course, I said that this was insane and she made her point!! I told her that I certainly didn't mean for the house to be in "shambles" but if there could be some sort of happy medium so that anytime something is put in the wrong place by accident, she shouldn't freak out and make it into such a big deal. I said I'm not cleaning this up! She said that she's not either that the girls can clean it up! (the girls are 15 & 12). I was calm when I talked to her (but hard!), but I said that this was no way to get back at anyone for having a messy room etc. etc. I asked our 12 yr old to take our 3 yr old son to the park for awhile. ( so I could talk to my wife). So, I just said to her that if she was mad at me or trying to make a point with me that's fine but don't do this with the girls. I told her that the kids don't need to be exposed to this type of behavior. I think...well I know that it is emotionally disturbing to the kids. Anyways, I ended up cleaning up everything myself last night. Hopefully it doesn't happen again today when I get home. She is definately "controlling". It's been that way for a long time on little things but never to this extent.
She asked me what I wanted. I said that I just want us to respect each other and be Nice to each other....just for starters and just as simple as that. I agree that there are much more serious things happening in the world today and that small trivial things just aren't worth the stress and friction. We have even talked about this before. I asked where did it all go wrong?? She said that when the girls (my girls from my late wife) stopped calling her anything (not Mom or not by name). She said she's always been comfortable if they call her by her name. I know this wasn't true before because she said that she didn't want them to call her by name because our son (who we had together....love him like crazy to!), would start calling her by name too. She said that she sat down with the girls before (I wasn't there), and had a calm talk to them about how they want to see her.....as a mom, as a friend, or what they wanted to call her....and that she was fine with them just calling her by her name. She said that they just sat there and wouldn't say anything...they just looked at each other. That's as far as she got with them. So now, she says that she is "nobody" in the family and that she doen't have a name etc. (This is the part that I struggle with)...I try to reassure her that the girls love her and that our 15 yr old doesn't really show it...but she doesn't show a bunch of emotions with me either. I think is very typical for a teenager most of the time. Our 12 year old always gives us hugs before she goes to bed and is more emotional. So...I just don't get most of this.
I actually had a talk with my 15 & 12 year old daughters last night and discussed the fact of calling her by her name and not to be shy about it and not to be scared...that it's ok. I explained that it was ok with my wife too. I really try but can't explain totally why they don't call her anything....it's so hard. If this doesn't work, I think I'll take some of the advice given to me and have All of us have a talk TOGETHER. It might be more controlled and maybe we can make some progress. I've asked her out for a coffee tonight to see if we can talk about some things so we'll see if she wants to come. I definately want to work this out. She was so awesome with my kids for the first few years, she was so loving and so much fun....and then ??? If something doesn't change soon, my next step is to seek some family counselling. I think we should probably do this anyway.
Let me know if anyone has more insight on any of this please.