[vanaden]

You have a 3 year old, is that when things "changed?"
She could suffer from post partum depression or OCD and not realize it.
I have been in that prison too where you just want to make everything look clean on the outside, because that is what you can control. When inside everything's a mess and you can't gain control over that.
Ask her what would give her some relief?

[mcmama]

You should not have cleaned it up. You are enabling her. She'll do it again. She made the mess, she should assume the adult responsibility of cleaning it up. She wants to be a little girl. That is not acceptable.

You are married to someone who has serious mental health problems. She needs a psychiatrist. This is not normal mom feeling dumped on rage.

Take control of this with professionals before it gets worse. And it will get worse.

I would not stay married to someone who treated my children like this.

[purelegance]

i completely agree with mcmama. your wife needs help. get her some before you, your children or herself gets hurt. trust me, it will get to that point.

[lavatea]

Well, I'm in the minority here on some things. I do agree that she should not get physical with your daughter, but did your wife initiate it? That matters to me, although of course, your wife should not have retaliated even if that was the case.

As for the messy room, yes, your wife should just close the door and let the girl have a pigsty. However, both of your girls should be helping out around the house.

I am totally on your wife's side with the "mom" issue. No, you cannot make your children call her "mom" (nor should you even try), but they HAVE to call her something. How do they get her attention? Do they say, "hey, you"? It seems completely disrespectful to me for them to not call her some sort of name. She has raised them for quite some time. I imagine your wife feels like a ghost in her own home. And I understand the viewpoint that the 3 yo might get confused as to why his mother is not being called "mom" - or at least some variation of a parental name.

I'm also in agreement with your wife about the tupperware dish/her organization system. Yes, she may have control issues (and I'm DEFINITELY not agreeing with her tear-up-the-house outburst - although at least she made her point), but if she's the one responsible for the majority of the housecleaning, I feel that she should be the one in control of what goes where, and the rest of you should follow her lead. You've lived with her for how many years, and you can't remember where the dishes go? I think either you were being lazy, or you're showing disrespect for her by not following the organizational system she's worked hard to put into place.

Your wife may have mental issues, or she may just be tired of feeling like an outsider. To me, it sounds as if you and your daughters are ganging up on her. It may not be intentional (I sure hope not), but the little things combined do add up. I agree that you could all benefit from some counseling.

[mcmama]

I wonder if the fact that they don't call her anything shows disrespect or ambiguity. If they've been told they HAVE to call her mom and nothing else, they may be avoiding the issue by just not calling her anything.

Talk to them about it. What do they WANT to call her?

And yes, I have been in households where the mom is just called "she" and "her" and "the wife" and "the missus" - but not mom, not dear, not her name, or anything like that. That is pure disrespect. Would be helpful to clear it up.

[riad]

lavatea, you are exactly right and have pinpointed my wife's perspective on the whole situation. I think things have built up and built up. She does feel "ganged up" on in some ways and does feel disrespected when things aren't done the way she wants them. It was so hard to see this in the "heat of the moment". I do realize that she is in the house and does most of the household duties the majority of the time. We just talked about this and I also suggested that we need to figure out something for her to do (by herself) to get out of the house and at least have a break. I know she needs and "out" once in awhile. Obviously, more than what I expected. The girls and I DO do a lot of things in the house as far as cleaning etc. but need to put in some extra effort in raising our expectations as well. My 15 yr old is very resistant some of the time when she gets told to do something so that is definately part of the problem. My wife and her do "conflict" when discussing a lot of things. Other than that, my daughter is a good kid as far as listening to us, curfews, etc. We do all have a lot of fun together and are a very loving family (when things are good). We have a lot to work with relation to her feeling like a "ghost" in her own home. I think that this is very little of the time but I know she feels like it's more. I've talked to the girls about calling her by her name etc. They really seemed to understand so we'll see what happens.
Thank you for your perspective on things as well.

[JeanLynn81]

I had to reread your second post and edit mine. I seriously thought it was your 15yr old that messed up the house. But your adult wife? Oh c'mon....its like a teenager fighting a teenager. It'll go on FOREVER. Someone has to be the adult. Yes, completely agree that your wife may be getting the short end of the stick here. But teenagers are very socially awkward. They are still learning and the adults need to set good examples in order to change unwanted behavior. Not sure what you should do as far as discipline goes, but because I used to be that age, grounding and yelling don't go nearly as far as they used to. Good luck!

[lavatea]

Gosh, re-reading my post I feel as if I came off a little harsher than I meant to. But I'm glad it helped give you another perspective anyway.

Glad to hear things are looking up for you guys and some of the issues have been talked through.

[cheekychums]

If your wife spends a lot of time at home not working,or not meeting friends I can understand why she is compulsive about tidyness,etc If she doesnt like to go out of the house it can also suggest depression.thats why things may be getting on top of her and that one tiny problem which may seem trivial can be so over the top with her. The problem with the girls messy room can just be an added problem which she is taking it out on the girls.Its often the people you love that get the brunt end of it all when really she loves you all to pieces.
Try to get her out of the house more, mixing with friends to show what she may be missing out on,try new things together and if the girls eventually agree do things together as a family.For example fun activites to make you laugh adn become socially intereact with each other ie 10 pin bowling. when she finds new hobbies etc things may not get to her as much and gradually find she has a sence of purpose not just "a nobody".
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http://www.cheekychumsonline.co.uk

[riad]

Cheekychums,
Thanks for the input. I totally agree with everything you've said. I've been working at that exact thing for awhile. I agree she needs to "get out of the house" and do other activities. The trouble is, she's not the type of person to sit around and "relax"....she always has to be working on something. We do go out once in awhile. (at least once/week) and it does make things better. We're continuing to work on it and the last few days have been great. I've left a lot of things I need to get done around the house to help out with her priority items. It's made a huge difference. Wow, I can't believe how complicated things got. It was so stressful. The kids have been a lot better as well. I've been "stepping" in a lot more to provide discipline with their chores, activities etc. I think I may have taken some of the load off my wife's shoulders.
Bowling is a great idea. We'll see. Thx again. R