[cajnhuny81]

I need some help. This is the only place I could think to turn. First off, let me please beg your forgiveness of my rambling but this has been a horrible time in my life. To start the year off, right before our 3rd wedding anniversary, my husband left me. He never gave me a real reason other than he wanted his freedom. We were seperated for 3 months. We do not have any children together, but he does have a son and I have raised him since day 1 and he calls me Mommy. He just didnt understand what was happening. 3 months into our seperation and several long arguments about immaturity, and him telling me that he didnt want me anymore and taking my wedding bands, we worked things out and got back together. During this time he spent all our savings so we began living paycheck to paycheck again. We had already been pre-approved for our first house together and everything! But that was ruined. Meanwhile, we both work on a 7 on and 7 off schedule, the exact same schedule except I work 12-15 hour shifts and he has to stay at his job for the complete 7 days. I work very hard for the money I earn just as he does. We are both in the oil field. I have never not even once doubt the fact that he works hard, I know he does and I show him how proud I am every chance that I get. But since I get to come home every night, he thinks my job is a peice of cake. Lives depend on my job as well as his! But in his mind, my job is insignificant. Also, I lost my Daddy on November 4th. It was completely unexpected and I'm having a very rough time dealing with this issue. I thought you were supposed to lean on your spouse in time of need but he said I need to get over it and move on. Thank God he still has both his parents, and his grandparents too! Daddy passed away at home, peacefully in his sleep and I still haven't been able to go inside the house to visit with my Mom. She has to come outside and sit on the deck. I've been in the house twice and I was only able to stay a few minutes before I ran out with what felt like an anxiety attack. I miss my Dad so much!!! Mom was very sick when I was growing up so she was in the hospital most of the time. Dad raised me. And during that we became best friends. My husband didnt want to go around them, so I missed out on so much time with them!!! But he tells me of all the 'sacrifices' that he has made for me. To me, I've given up time with my father that can now NEVER be replaced. It's been 2 months and he thinks the wombs should be healed by now. But I think it hurts worse and worse each and every day!!! I want my Daddy back and that is something that I know is not possible, so I want this pain to go away. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of feeling like a burden. My husband said I'm lazy because I am very tired when I get off from work. I haven't been sleeping since Daddy passed, so I'm never really rested and only getting 3-5 hours of sleep a night for 2 months does take a toll on a person. But I still make sure the house is clean, there is a fresh cooked meal on the table, and my stepson is cared for as well as my husband. All I ask for is a little bit of help keeping the house clean. But he doesn't help me!!! He said he does more at work than I could ever dream of doing so I should do the same thing at home. How could he do this to me? Now my sisters wont speak to me because they think I do not do enough for my mother, when I don't even have time to do the things I need to do around my own house! They live right next to my mother and I live across town!!! Also, my Mom leans on me like she leaned on Dad. So when she is upset about something, of course she turns to me. Well 2 nights ago she threatened suicide. She said the only thing that kept her from taking a hand full of pills is thinking about me, she said she didnt want to hurt me anymore than I'm already hurting. I really just want the pain to go away and all he is doing is making the pain worse. . . Thanks for listening.