[suzanne50]

I have been divorced for 15 years. My ex left me and my 2 children at ages 5 and 7. We struggled financially for a long time. Their father was always behind in child support payments.

My daughter and son attend college. When my children left for college, I felt no "empty nest syndrome". My daughter, at age 20, wants to marry a boy she has only known for 5 months. She never really dated much. I tried to emphasize to her that it would be better for her financially if she waited to get a job and get that degree under her belt.

Well, she still decided to get married 4 months later. My ex husband, mother-in-law, son and nephew went to her wedding in Utah. Upon arriving in Utah, I had to keep a distance with my ex who always wants to come back home after 15 years. I have no interest in him but he has an interest in me. I can give him no encouragement because he will run with it. He has a g/f, the same one that broke up our marriage. Yet, in front of her, he always goes back to the good times we had.

I have a steady b/f and my ex is the furthest person I want to deal with. But because it was my daughter's wedding, I tried to put on a good face. I did do a lot of crying while in Utah, because of the fact that she is young, and most likely will struggle financially. And very likely my daughter will get pregnant, since she loves being a mother. She will also stay at home with the baby and not attend work. In turn, they will be 2 struggling students financially. Of course, this may not happen at all. I could just be projecting.

My daughter called me last night and said her wedding pictures came back. And in every picture that I took with her, I was crying. She said there was not one picture with her that I was happy. She was crying and telling me, that this was her special day and how could I not be happy for her. I couldn't help that my feelings were so transparent that it was portrayed in the pictures.

I will be having a reception for her when she comes home in August to celebrate her marriage. What can I do to make it up to her?

[mrmnmom82]

You soun kind of like my mom when I got married. Her exact words when I told her, "Well, I can make all your decisions for you!" Between our first date and the wedding day, were 6months. Pretty fast, yes, but he got accepted to college in Utah, I wasn't about to let him go for 2 yrs, and be without eachother, he agreed. My father was supportive, my parents had been married 36 yrs. at that time.

My mom eventually came around when she saw what a supportive person I had on my side. My sister's were angry that a man was taking me 5 states away from my family.

The plan was to go out there for 2 yrs., come home and have a baby. Well, the baby came before the 2yrs. were up. I knew many young couples who were working, being parents, and going to college out there. It's pretty normal. The had to wrack up a few more student loans, but it worked out. Will they struggle financially? Don't all college students.

She's happy, and doing what's best for her new family. Every aspect of this you had something negative to say, why? Do you assume he will leave her after a few years, once she's popped out a few babies? Just because you weren't treated well by this person, who doesn't seem to take anyones feelings into consideration, doesn't mean she will be in the same situation.

Will she finish college? Maybe not. But maybe that's no longer her biggest priority. You may completly disagree with her changes in priority, but she's an adult, and has a new family now.

At the August celebration, I would consentrate on putting your feelings and opintions in check. It can't be about you, and how you feel. Your love and approval are obviously very important to her. You should give it willingly.

[mcmama]

Hey. ALL mothers of the bride cry. And if this was a thing where you were not involved except as a guest who showed up and took her place, well, it is a lot to expect you to behave on cue. Dealing with an ex who is re writing history in front of you is torture. And weddings are often a place where they do this - the father of the bride puts on a grand show, and the divorced mother of the bride is a wreck. Happened to a friend of mine. You raised the girl, but you are the outsider at her wedding because you are the voice of reality. Sounds to me like you had some misgivings (we all do) and everyone else cast you in the role of the poor sad thing who just can't get over it.

I had a similiar situation with my ex at our older sons wedding, and I let it be known that it was up to the bride and her family to make sure the seating was done in such a way as to not have him in my face. They obliged. He does not respect boundaries, and rather than trying to get back together, he is always looking for a way to humiliate me while pretending to be a nice guy. He did manage one last passive aggressive stunt - driving off with our younger son's gear that he needed next day to enter the coast guard academy still in his car without a word to anyone before the cake was cut, necessitating me and my son leaving early to hunt for him in order to have time to make the 2 hour drive and either find him or replace the gear before reporting at 7 am the next morning - but other than that it was fine. (Said he was tired - truth was, no one was paying attention to him so he left without regard for any consequences)

Now I have a great relationship with my older son and DIL. But I am sure the brides family thought we were really rude. No biggie as far as I am concerned - they boycotted the rehearsal, and so the events leading up to the ceremony were chaotic, which also fell on me to unscramble.I didn't have time to mope, because I was too busy solving everyone elses problems, as usual. And I made no attempt to cover how angry I was about that - it was beyond my capability. So most of the time I just sat to the side with a few "safe" people and nursed my cold and tried to remain together. I did enjoy the reception, and the ceremony was lovely once we actually got the brides family to stop ignoring the priest and pay attention and do what the bride and groom wanted them to do.

It is very natural for us to have fears for our children entering marriage, because we know how horribly wrong it can go. We also know that we have not had the opportunity to give them appropriate role models for what a good marriage looks like, and so they are on their own, guessing, and sometimes making the same mistakes in front of us - but how they deal with it is up to them. Sometimes it adds insult to injury to hear that they are "not going to end up like you, mom". When you have the marriage starting with the lie of the good father of the bride giving a wonderful wedding everyone happy happy happy while you have to shut up and bite your tongue till it bleeds so you can pretend its all good, happy happy happy instead of being honest and having time to deal, it is just torture. If you haven't had time to prepare for this and deal with it, it is much more difficult to keep all your emotions under control.

When you give this reception this month, your attitude should be that the marriage is what it is, and this is your opportunity to shine. Your opportunity to gather friends to wish them well, mark the passage, celebrate the transition, and help them feel like they are getting a good start. And you will enjoy this more, because it will be safe for you to be yourself among friends and family.

I wouldn't worry about making it up to them. You can't change things. Just tell her all mothers of brides cry, and since this was so sudden you were in shock. Let her see how much more supportive you can be in an environment that is safe for you to be your own self.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Congrats on gaining a son-in-law recently!

Perhaps, just maybe, the photographer was at fault because
he only took photos when you were crying....
and not when you were smiling and happy!

Yes, make every effort to smile and put on a happy face
during this next wedding reception.

Put vaseline on your teeth (like they do in beauty pagents
to keep smiling.)

Do the best you can with this reception and have plenty of
photos taken with you smiling.

If you have to, take some Tylenol to help you relax a bit.

Whatever your misgivings are (and I can certainly agree with you that there are some), make every effort to put them aside this one
day for the party.

Peppermint oil hand lotion
or
peppermints with real peppermint oil
to pop into your mouth
will help keep your emotions in check.

Good luck!

[KR258]

My mom cried too. I don't know what about it made her cry and I didn't ask. I thought it was my job to make her smile in the photos and at the reception she didn't cry as much. I know it is hard to let them make their own choices but maybe she will do what you imagine and maybe she won't....but whatever she does She'll be doing it because thats what she thinks will make her happy. Try to be happy for her. It may not be what you want but she's doing what she wants.