[Ohsotrying]

Hi. I am looking for a place of support. A place to find answers, to find means of hope and possibly provide a virtual stepping stone to me and my childrens healing and recovery. I've been knocked down as far as I can be brought (somewhat self induced) and I am now steadily trying to rebuild my foundation and rebuild a happy home for my children and I.

I sit here at this computer realizing it is now just 'me.' me and my boys. I have to do the cleaning and I am hoping to find some support in here as I've broken off all contact with local 'friends.'

If you have the time to read my story below, that would be nice. Maybe you'd have some advice as to where to go or where to begin. If not, that is okay too.

I wish you all the best of luck with anything you address in your current life and Merry Christmas.

Many of you probably popped into families.com because naturally you felt inclined to do so. Maybe you are the stereo typical mommies who enjoy providing and nurturing for their children. You spend free time thinking of ways to benefit their lives, you often miss out on activities that don't allow for children participation and you enjoy sharing photos and stories online.

I could be wrong about this assumption seeing as I've seen some most helpful forums within this site but I'm trying to differentiate between the norm and that of me.

You see, I have 2 small boys; 5 and 9 years old. I've always strived my hardest to be a good mother to them; protect them, feed them, clothe them.

I started very young at the age of 18 and am now 27. I tried oh so hard to stay focused on them and maintain a solid social and romantic life at the same time.

I worked often extremely long hours and did all I could to try and keep the house running. I worked really hard on supporting them and trying to take care of them emotionally but this came across a much harder challenge for me than that of my peers.

I have a lot of issues from childhood that curtailed my ability to attach to my children and I am also bi polar but never needed medication. I had a history as a teenager and early 20's of cocaine abuse.

During this entire 9 years of motherhood, I can honestly say I've been a good, upstanding mother who tried very hard, BUT, I probably only succeeded at fullfilling all of my motherhood duties for a combination of maybe 6 years; not in unison order.

While I was married; I became the "stereo typical mother and wife" I spoke of above. I was sound minded, a hard worker, level headed, researched ways to assist my children in growing, ect. ect. ect.


When my son was 4, I divorced my husband due to claims of sexual abuse.

I stayed straight and narrow and pushed with all my might to hold us up after this occurance.

Somewhere afterwards though, in the midst of recovering, I lost my footing again.


I became addicted to Meth and then spent a long 8 months trying to stay away from it.

Then, this past year, due to the subscribed anti-depressant, Effexor, I went into what; in Bi-Polar terms; is called "Mania." I ended up sending my children to live with my parents and spiraled completely out of control.

I caught a stupid assault charge, ran away from my now ex boyfriend multiple times, dissapeared for weeks at a time, you name it, I probably did it. (Well not fully, but it was all extremely non charicteristic of me.)

By the grace of God, I landed in an emergency clinic only a month ago where I prescribed Lithium to level me back out. Upon taking this medication, my 'vision' cleared and I suddenly wondered where the hell I was, what was I doing and OMG! I needed my children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So I am now back 'at home'; my mothers house with my 2 boys.

I am without a job, I had (had beeing the key word) a ton of issues linked to recent past circumstances, (God is helping me to work through them), I have nothing I once I owned,

I am as best described, "As new to this again as I was at 18." Both mentally, physically and spiritually. I'm trying to re-build our lives. I so very much want to be the person I was when I was married.

Since I have been running hay wire for the last year, I find it sometimes hard to slow all the way down and refrain from contacting friends who like to party.

I want to find contentment and peace in taking back on mommy life. I understand that Mommy life does not mean I have to walk around in slippers and watch cartoons all day. I easily incorporated a social life into my mommy life before. Barbeques and camping trips with friends were a normal occurance....BUT... it was with the wrong people.. who had the wrong 'stuff'. And I realize that........ So maybe I'm trying to put a fastforward on enjoying my life with friends and all of our kids; without the drugs though.


I have no other real memories to hold onto seeing as I've been running solo for the past year and I've pretty much blocked all of my memories from my marriage.

Who wants to remember the life with a child molester who prayed on your own children?? I figure, this forum may be a good starting point.

I remember participating when the kids were younger and how much I enjoyed it. It may be a good start, right? I'm really trying to succeed.


I'm really reaching out to you people on the other end of this screen that I do not know. I've never had a big head and I'm spilling my faults out for all to see.

Help me get back up. My children need mom.