[shellshockd]

As I'm writing this I'm recovering from a whirlwind few days that have completely turned my life upside-down. I'm a 31 year old man who has been married for 8 years to the love of my life. About 4 years ago I started taking college classes to prepare to apply to medical school. My wife agreed that this was the right thing to do and she supported me 100%. Over then next four years she worked full-time and I went to school during the day and worked part time during evenings and weekends. At the same time my wife earned her degree online while working. I was accepted to medical school, and we moved to the school location in August of this year. Everything seemed to be going okay until I got home from school last Wednesday to find a note saying that she had left me, and that she hadn't felt anything in our marriage in several years.
Talk about having the rug pulled out from under you! Eventually I was able to talk to her (after following her back to the city we previously lived in) and found out that she hadn't been attracted to me or felt anything physically for me in a long long time. I knew that our love life was cold, and that she wasn't very affectionate toward me, but I just never believed that she would leave me. She never gave me any clue that she was seriously contemplating it!
So now I am starting to see things that I had been to busy attaining "our" goals to notice. She had felt like our marriage was all about me and my plans, and she was just there to support me. She had mentioned in discussions in the past that she had some resentment about that. But I was too ignorant to see what a danger that was and get counseling. I truly believe that she has lost attraction for me due to the years of resentment that have built up for supporting me. I have asked her if she will go to counseling with me now (I've put school out to pasture), but she says she needs space and doesn't want to make that decision right now.
Do you see hope that she could regain her feelings for me if we get counseling and I start to actually LISTEN to her, and maybe support her goals and dreams? She does say that she still loves me. I'm completely falling apart here!!

[JeanLynn81]

and I start to actually LISTEN to her, and maybe support her goals and dreams?

8 years of marriage, and you haven't listened to her? And then you'll maybe support her goals and dreams? Do you even have any idea what those goals and dreams are?

I think I see the problem here.

[mcmama]

Counseling always helps. If not rebuilding the marriage, then facilitating a better experience in divorce and parenting if it is applicable.

Medical school is a huge committment for a married couple. I know doctors who have successful marriages - and it cannot happen without a complete partnership and attention to the marriage on a daily basis. I know one doctor who has a thriving practice, and completed two residencies while her husband was achieving milestones in his career as well. BTW, they had two children who were prodigies, whose development they supported and who now are grown with successful careers. If that isn't attaining "goals" I don't know what is - and it was done with partnership and a lot of give and take, compromise, and continued respect and mutual adoration.

If the marriage has been about you and "your goals for the marriage" for 8 years, then it is unlikely that you will be able to change the dynamic, given the pressures that are involved in the profession you have been preparing for. Your wife may now be wanting to rediscover her own self which is likely lost after 8 years, before she is suffocated further. It is also possible that you married too young, and have grown along separate paths.

"Goals for the marriage" are goals that are mutually shared by the two individuals who are partnered as a couple.

A former neighbor who was married twice (second time around was the success story) once told me "Successful marriage is a 50/50 proposition. Each partner gives 100%". Unless you are both on the same page about this, and you are totally able to mutually be partners with mutual goals, I don't see much hope for the marriage - but you may be able to part as friends with counseling, and move on to rebuild your lives. And who knows, counseling may work for both of you if the intent is mutual. Just remember, you cannot control who your wife is, you can only be responsible for your own actions. Good luck.

[jatheul]

Yes, I think there is always hope. If you really care about her (which it sounds like you do - maybe you didn't realize how much until now) and she cares about you I do think you can work things out. I think it is going to take time and really listening on both sides - I think the two of you really need to talk things out. It sounds like their were unmet expectations and not a lot of communication. Best of luck to the two of you. I believe that people really do give up on one another way too easily. Although it is hard and painful to work through conflict it is well worth it in the end.

[shellshockd]

Thanks for that encouragement. The hardest thing right now is knowing what to do with myself while she is thinking. I literally cannot go one single minute without thinking about this situation. I'm having to force myself to eat, and medicate myself to sleep. I want to give her space, but every second is torture. My whole life has been validated by, and dedicated to my family (notice I don't claim to have dedicated myself to understanding my wife, I'm an idiot!). If my marriage is over, then my entire purpose for living is over. I know that I could, and probably would go on to be happy again, but at this point I just don't want to even consider life without my wife.

[Alejandros Mommy]

Even though its hard for you I am glad you are giving your wife space...I would suggest going to counciling yourself to see if this can help you with your marriage.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Well, I have to agree with the above friends.

Have you called for an appointment with a counselor? If you are serious, you'll do it.

Also, it would be helpful to take a communication listening class.
You seem to do well verbalizing your needs, but in a marriage,
you also have to listen to others needs. No maybe-s about it.

If you in the future become a doctor, it would also help you to
understand your patients better, if you hear what their problems are for needing a physician.

Maybe you need to start 'courting' (dating) your wife.
Think back to before you were married.

What are her favorite flowers? (Not yours, but hers?)
Send her some.

Ask her out to eat at her favorite restaurant. Make a reservation for the two of you. Better have a waiter, china, cloth napkins....not McDonald's.

Send her a love note with poetry.

Marriage is really alot of work. Certainly your goal was to go to med school. Somewhere along the way, the marriage was put aside for this big goal.

All the best!

[shellshockd]

Once again, thank you for the encouragement. I do have a question about the counseling though. Since obviously I don't know much about counseling, are you suggesting I go to a marriage counselor by myself? I guess I'm just so busy waiting for her to say "yes, I want to try to work this out" or "no, I'm through" that I haven't considered getting counseling in the mean time. I guess it would show her that I am serious about becoming a better husband!

[QueenAngie]

Yes, marriage counseling.

You can first go by yourself, then if your wife agrees, she could join you and your counselor.

[mcmama]

Shell, do the counseling for yourself, and if she wants to join you, great. Don't go into it with the idea that you are going to show her anything. Go into it for how much it may help you recognize what has happened, and heal the hurt, either alone or together.