[aquadog]

I have three daughters ages 14, 17 & 19. I have been married (#2) for 4 years. It feels overwhelmingly complex. I very deeply love my wife, and my kids. But, I just can't seem to put it all together in to a family, at all. We have probably spent a total of three weeks together in the last five years. I go to see my kids (they live 80 miles away) every week for an overnight (on my comfy boat), and I used to spend one week a month with them (in a house I kept there). My wife never accompanies me on those trips.
That I know of, my daughters have never been overtly harsh or rude to my wife. They have been a little cold and disengaged here and there, but being kids....I would have expected a lot worse. My wife, however, is incredibly picky. I have honestly never heard her utter a single nice thing about my kids. She has read some parenting books and she says all the buzz phrases (unified front, our relationship comes first, give her "standing"....). I want to do all that, but you actually have to be together to even try.
I think she needs to establish a relationship with my daughters, I tell her she could change everything in one afternoon. I ask her to pick up the phone and invite a SD out for a bike ride or a shopping session, or anything, really. She has never done that. At this point my kids have absolutely no interest in coming to my house and it breaks my heart.
Even though my wife treats me really well and is superb in (almost) every way I am about ready to end my relationship or else change it radically. I have no passion for someone who can't stand my kids. I can't even talk to her about the things the kids do (like normal parents). I have been a married single dad for 16 years now (my ex worked nights). I guess I should have seen this coming 5 years ago (but she was gung ho about the family thing then....).
How do I either get through to this woman, or find a way to accept things?

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

You're a Dad to 3 teenaged daughters. How fun!

I'm Angie, married for 26 years, and we have 2 colleged aged sons
(18, 21.) Keep in mind that I am not a stepmother. Just a Mom.

You and wife #2 have been together for 5 years, married for
4 years.
That's a long time.

Just curious, why is it now after 4 years of marriage,
that this has come to a head?

Must not have been such an issue 1, 2, 3 years ago, and
now it is a big deal for you.

Why doesn't your DW have a relationship with your 3 DD?
I don't know.
She knew when she married you that you came with 3 DD.

Have you asked your wife about this? It would make sense to sit down as two adults, calmly and quietly
at the kitchen table over a couple of cups of coffee
and have this discussion.

Am certain that other new friends online here
with step-children will offer help.

[aquadog]

Thanks Angie-
I am not sure why it has become a crisis. Maybe because it is the holidays. It has always smoldered. I am good at looking on the bright side too much.
We have talked about this at length, even calmly.
I don't think there is an answer to this stuff. I'll just have to decide what I can deal with.

[BonusMom]

First question, does she have any kids? does she have any with you? Has she been married before? Did she ever have a relationship with them?

You mentioned that she read parenting books. Maybe she didnt read them as a way to make your family better, maybe she was looking for things to use as an excuse. When you say "our relationship comes first" it strikes me as something someone would "use" to thier advantage if they wanted to feel more important.
Its my opinion that the relationship comes first because you do need a united front so the kids dont turn you against eachother. but in reality, when it comes down to it, the relationship with the kids and thier parent comes first. As someone who has been divorced before you can see that you can divorce your spouse, but you cant divorce your children. You cant replace a childs life that exsisted without you. You dont get a do-over if you miss it the first time.

I'm going to tell you something, when my DH divorced his exwife she didnt take much with her. She said she didnt care much for material things. When my husband and I unpacked in our new home and all the boxes and furniture were brought from his parents garage I opened them like it was christmas. Then later, after I was done, I heard DH make a comment about how his ex never liked the couches either. thats when it clicked, this was HER house. It was ours, but it was filled with her stuff with him. She ate off these plates, probably even picked them out. These were her couches. I brought nothing into the marraige because I had never lived on my own before. Then I sat there one night and realized that it was much more than the items surrounding me. He had a marriage before, he had a child. When I have a child with him, he will probably be giving ME advice because hes been there done that with the first couple months of learning. It was a tough pill to swollow. I was a Second Wife. Something that didnt bother me when we were dating, but all of a sudden did. He had someone else he loved before me, married, and had children with. then the insane happend. BM wanted to switch custody and have thier 2 1/2 little daughter live with US for the school year and with her for the summer. Because we were married and stable and she wanted to go back to college. So now I was married to her ex husband, and raising her child.

Seeing that you have teenage children, and a boat to live on, I would guess that your old enough and established enough that your wife isnt enduring a house full of your ex's memories. But I posted this story to show you that sometimes a second wife can feel as though she missed out on a big part of you. Your first's. And she might resent that. expecially if she wishes to have children with you.

The parenting books she read, where they about stepparenting, or just parenting? Sometimes those books harp about how a stepparent should take a back seat because the children already have parents. They can be very demotivating. Expecially ones that focus on teenagers. They talk about how it takes the equivalent of a childs age to accept you. A five year old will fully accept you in five years, ect. It seems like a lot of work.

I think its important that you dont tell her that you expect anything. You dont expect her to love your kids, thats an unrealistic expectation, they are not her kids, they or more-so strangers with a mutual family member. Sometimes even stating you hope they would be friends can be scary, because what if they dont like her? Then she will feel like she failed.

I would love to hear more about your situation. I've been a stepmother for 5 years, and although my SD is living with us full time, I remember having a lot of feelings that made me want to run far far away.

[aquadog]

Bonus Mom, thanks for replying. This stuff is ripping me apart inside.
I'll answer your questions. My wife tried to have kids with her first husband and couldn't (this alone makes for a major head trip). All my stuff is in storage or gone. Our house is all hers, except for my coffee table and tools (and she is very particular about her stuff). I do keep some things around that the kids and I shared in our prior life. She read step-parenting books, but when I read them and then we talked about them.... it was like we read different books!
You said that I should not expect anything from her re. the kids. I'd like to get to that point in my mind. It hurts to keep parenting alone. It hurts that my kids don't feel welcome in my home. It hurts to not have anyone I can share kid stories with. She tells me there is a lot I can do to make things better, but she can't bring these things to specifics and when we are never all together I can never execute the step-parenting advice (and am worried about not getting it right).
She knows what is going on. She feels horrible about things, but she can't do anything about it.
The root of unhappiness is unmet expectations. So, I need to change my expectations, if I can't meet them. Even if we split up, my kids would hardly see me. They are really busy, and Dad's pad is not much of a home.
Regardless, I am going to plan and do fun things with my kids. I am going to spend as much time as I want to with them. I will have them come to "my" house for weekends..... my wife can leave for the weekend if she can't deal with it. I will not have expectations of anyone except me (and my daughters, of course).
This stuff is coming to a head because of the holidays are kind of a milestone and are a time for family.

[BonusMom]

I think thats a great Idea, after all, its your house too. Just tell her, hey the girls are comming over for the weekend. and leave it. If she complains ask her why your kids shouldnt come to your house? This is where you live isnt it?

you probably sounded like you were reading two different books because you were trying to get two different things out of it.

[JMSPGH]

I think a lot of the problem is that you waited so long to address/deal with this problem. I'm guessing she doesn't know what to do or how to act as a step-parent especially if she hasn't had to for so many years. You are asking her have one on one time with your girls & I doubt she would be comfortable with that yet. Maybe if you do somethings as a family she might just click with one or all of them and can start a bond from there. I don't suggest the ultimatum of this is the way its going to be...or else. She might feel like you are pushing her out as you pull your girls in. I don't think that would help anyone in the situation.

[stevesgirl1289]

I hope that you are patient and you have to choose to be a loving parent and a loving husband.Don't assume how she feels and talk to her about it other than when it comes to a head.If it's hard for you and you are the natural dad then you can imagine how hard it's for her.Maybe it's unresolved resentment on her part because she feels like they are taking you away from her.

[mcmama]

She can't be the person she isn't, and all these books with all these expectations for both of you just don't get to the heart of what the reality is.

Does she actually hate your daughters, or just is not a warm and fuzzy person?

If they didn't come as part of the whole package, with you spending significant amounts of at home time with them from the beginning, then likely she went into the marriage not seeing this as an obstacle. And so she reads and prepares, but likely has no role models.

Just do it. And deal with it. All of you. Take each issue as it comes.

Start out small. Dinner. A day at a certain attraction. She joins you on the boat. For a few hours.

Sounds like they are all just terrified to get to know one another. And your girls probably want daddy to themselves.

[IsabellaSoriano]

you know, i did some stepparenting reading myself. most books and therapists recommend looking at 3 years minimum to establish a stepparent relationship. well, the kicker is, your children don't live with you and aren't alway around you to establish a relationship with the new member of the family. they can't love her for fear it will make their mother upset. most don't bother even liking the new stepparent.
i can only imagine how the wife might feel about not being able to have children of her own. she may not want to get attached herself. the girls eventually go away.
you can really only ask yourself, when the kids are not an issue, does your marriage really stand a chance? because believe it or not, your daughters will get married and not be daddies little girls anymore. they won't be around and not be required to visit for a court order.