[justaguy]

Forgive me for posting here, but I am looking for advice, help or understanding in an attempt to save my marriage.

disclaimer: I am an athiest, but not what I call a nazi-athiest. I became an atheist in my teens, and for me its just right. Its not right for others, and I have no problem with any other religion. To me religion or lack thereof, is a personal choice, and I am not foolish enough to think what is right for me, is right for everyone.

I've been married close to a year, my wife who was formerly a pagan (wiccan/witch etc) has chosen to convert to Islam. The conversion does not bother me in the least, if she has decided that Islam is the choice for her, then great. My problem is that she now wants to wear the head scarf, or hijab i think it is called, because she claims islam requires it.

This is a problem for me. I love my wife, I think she is absolutely breathtaking and beautiful. If I could have created a life-long soul mate, it would be her. I love her personality, her intelligence, her beauty, she really is everything I could ever want. However; I don't want her to wear the hijab. Both of us are born and raised in america, and I suppose that factors in, to the fact that I want at least an american looking wife. She doesn't have to wear short skirts, or short shorts, but I want her to still be physically attractive to me.

Please don't be offended when I say, that wearing the hijab, will make her physically unattractive to me. I didn't grow up around people wearing hijabs, so for me it takes away from her beauty. I can understand her need to wear a hijab while praying or going to the mosque, and I support her to that endeaver, but in daily life, I don't see why she needs to wear one.

Now, lost in all of this, is that our marriage could end over "just a headscarf". To her she is required to wear it because of her faith. To me, it will make her unattractive, and I know it will slowly but surely tear me away from her.

I guess I'm just looking for advice, knowledge, chew me out if you want to, but I'm trying to gain an understanding. I don't want to lose the woman i committed my life to over this.

[mcmama]

You posted this same post in the Muslim forum. Normally I don't allow double posts, but I will let this one stand until you receive some answers, and then merge the threads.

It sounds like your wife has found a new direction, and she is very committed to it. Hijab is more than just a hat or scarf. It is symbolic of a personal faith.

You would not be the first person to marry someone who grows and changes in ways you did not anticipate. I think this is your real issue, not just the head covering.

[hennypenny]

I am no expert on this religion, but I was of the understanding that muslim women don't have to wear the hijab, but many choose to? Sorry if I'm wrong.

[mcmama]

That's true, many don't - but it would be consistent with anyone who converts to a religion to practice it with fervor.

We have a discussion of hijab in the Muslim forum here.

[Jocelynbell]

The Kuran (or Qur'an is the Holy Book of the Muslim faith) suggests women dress in a modest manner. There are many references to modesty and reserving privacy for one's husband only. Various scholars interpret it differently. It is really amazing how beautiful a modest way of dressing can be. Some women find wearing a full burqa covering quite liberating and have amazing designer clothes underneath that are revealed only with other women or male relatives. (no, it is not for me and North Americans find it unusual) I think modesty is a value North Americans may not always appreciate, but above all "choice" in dressing has become a religious decision and politics in faith seems to override this in fundamentalists societies.
I agree with McMama who has great insight on many threads and cuts to the heart of the matter many times.
Now, as far as your wife is concerned: she is on a journey on her own isn't she? Are there children involved? Have you read about the Muslim faith or met at the faith centre with her? Do you truly want your marriage to survive?

I am not Muslim but the faith itself is really a positive way of living if one truly understands it. You may want to meet with some wise men and see if you can open your heart to what your wife is seeking.

[justaguy]

I apologize for double posting, I wasn't sure which forum would be best to post in.
As for my wife changing, everyone changes, and I can accept that. My concern, and it looks like I didn't mention this in my original post, is that 60 days before we got married, she told me she had an interest in becoming muslim. She also made sure she pointed out to me, that if she did end up converting, she would not wear the hijab. The hijab is the issue. In the beginning i went to some of her "new muslim classes", when she didn't wear the hijab. Now that she does wear the Hijab to the classes, I don't go (although, I understand she is to wear them whenever she goes to the mosque).
She has made the conversion on her own. She has a daugther who is 6, who she isn't pressing to covert as of yet.....which makes me happy, as the child would just be confused. She grew up with not much religious influence in the house, but picked up a concept of "god and jesus" from her real father's family, and she seems comfortable with it. As she grows older I assume she'll have more questions and want to explore a faith of her choosing, but I don't want to force anything upon her. This is also my stance if my wife and I were to have children. However, the wife wants any new children to be raised muslim, so we probably won't have any. I would love a child of my own, but I do love my step-daugther like she is my own so I would be okay without children of my own.
I really want my marriage to survive, but I don't feel the need to change my life to a muslim way, just because my spouse is converting. I think that would be selfish on her part. I admit I haven't become a scholar on the religion, and really have no desire to learn anymore than what I currently have learned from her classes, and previous knowledge.
I want my marriage to survive, but I'm really getting tired of fighting.

[mcmama]

Sometimes when we embrace a religion, we cannot tell what steps we will take on our spiritual journey. That is likely why your wife first thought she would not wear the hijab, and now wants to. It is part of the process for her.

Raising the children is a two way conversation, but you need to be open to the idea that any spiritual influence may be more than peripheral, it may be pretty deep.

You may not need to change your own life to the muslim way, but it sounds as though you will need to find ways to accomodate your wife's religious beliefs. This can be difficult when a new path is chosen and it is very different from the one you imagined.

[mrs_ray]

Originally Posted by Jocelynbell

The Kuran (or Qur'an is the Holy Book of the Muslim faith) suggests women dress in a modest manner. There are many references to modesty and reserving privacy for one's husband only. Various scholars interpret it differently. It is really amazing how beautiful a modest way of dressing can be. Some women find wearing a full burqa covering quite liberating and have amazing designer clothes underneath that are revealed only with other women or male relatives. (no, it is not for me and North Americans find it unusual) I think modesty is a value North Americans may not always appreciate, but above all "choice" in dressing has become a religious decision and politics in faith seems to override this in fundamentalists societies.
I agree with McMama who has great insight on many threads and cuts to the heart of the matter many times.
Now, as far as your wife is concerned: she is on a journey on her own isn't she? Are there children involved? Have you read about the Muslim faith or met at the faith centre with her? Do you truly want your marriage to survive?

I am not Muslim but the faith itself is really a positive way of living if one truly understands it. You may want to meet with some wise men and see if you can open your heart to what your wife is seeking.

I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading your reply

[MommyFun]

I'll preface my response with this, just so you know I'm not an expert in this issue - My husband and I have shared the same faith since youth and nothing bonds us closer together than our faith. I can only imagine how tough this must be for you, and your wife. (She must aslo feel misunderstood.)
That being said, let me remind of a trait every successful marriage shares: unconditional acceptance. And the only way that trait will happen in your marriage is when ONE of you chooses to demonstrate it...
MommyFun